Found out I have half brother my mum stopped my dad from seeing

[MayaYanney]

Hey guys

a few months ago I learned from a relative that I have a half brother one year older than me.

my father fathered a child in Russia when working there.

the story is allegedly my mother learned about him when she was about to give birth to me.

Allegedly the woman kept quiet she was pregnant and till the kid was one and then decided to tell my dad when my mum was about to give birth to me.

my father kept in contact by phone and visited him till I was 3/4. Think this Lady didnt know about me/my mum, not sure.

then one day she calls mother told her over the phone when she called “it was your choice to give birth. You were 38, last chance to have a kid. You wanted the kid for yourself so now raise him yourself” and hanged up.

some time later this woman called my mother had her friend say wrong phone number, this phone was sold.

my father never spoke to him after that. I guess he thought she disappeared again and wanted nothing to do with him? Idk? I am not sure if he continued paying child support.

now obviously you can’t stop a father who wants to see his kid but my father is a very weird man. He also has a relationship with my other much older half sister from previous marriage because her mother kept in contact. I really believe if my mother didn’t do this he would still be in contact with this boy.

now my mother says

it’s not her fault she found while married and pregnant he has a kid and she was very sick of this woman being annoying and calling non stop, very often, for hours when they were busy chatting about their son. Says “I was just sick of her calling constantly! We couldn’t get anything done! Maybe if she didn’t call everyday and wasn’t so annoying!!!”

I don’t know how to feel about all this. I am disturbed my mother did this. Am I right to think this was very cruel? And look at her differently now? My sister says I’m over reacting.

Op, it is clear that you don’t even like your mother
Save your vitriol for your father who abandoned his child

Your mother was shitty and I understand that she was in her feelings and pregnant at the time, but she shouldn’t have done that. That poor child grew up without Their father. And the fact that your father would have been involved was it not for your mum’s actions especially deleting her number off of the phone - I agree that she is awful. I don’t understand all the past posters on here saying that your mum isn’t to blame when your mum Played a massive part in why this child grew up without a father.

I doubt it was like today where he could’ve hunted her down via social media if her number went and he didn’t have any mutual people in common and she moved House then how of course is he going to find her and the child?

I find it interesting people are saying I am mysoginistic and blaming my mother for what my father did but then they are blaming this innocent single mother for something my father did.

excusing the nasty stuff my mum said to her. When this woman never did anything to my mum.

excusing and even praising a woman saying such horrible things to another woman, a single mum.

doesnt feel very feminist

very disappointing seeing this from women.

Op, you are clearly angry at both your parents, so angry you are SHOUTING at random strangers on Mumsnet.

I get that you are very disappointed in your mum’s actions, but think on - you are already estranged from your father, are you comfortable creating an estrangement from your mother too ?

Sorry, it sounds like you do have a lot to deal with.

Why on earth re you going on about a ‘single mother’ who was never horrible to anyone? She kept the presence of a child from the child’s father for 2 years. It doesn’t get more awful than that. You’re painting her as a saint - she is far from it.

going to go against the grain and say it’s not that black and white.

Yes, the father should have been the one to keep in touch with his child. The mother isn’t responsible for the fact that he didn’t.

However, as the mother knew about the child, she is responsible for having kept that information from the OP.

There have been numerous threads on here from posters whose DC have siblings they don’t know about because the father has buggered off and fathered children elsewhere or alternatively had children prior to them getting together. And the advice is always that they deserve to know, and that given she knows she should tell them, because if she doesn’t, when they find out and that she kept it from them this will cause resentment from them.

How did your Dad know for certain that the child was his?

Anyway, op, do you wish to meet your brother?

That doesn’t make what my mom did ok

she never did anything to my mum.

also it was a one night stand. I’m never going to blame a vulnerable pregnant/woman with newborn for being scared about tracking down and telling a one night stand foreigner this and worrying what he’ll say. Maybe she was he wouldn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy.

she also did end up doing the right thing and wanted them to have a relationship

Well your dad was a real prize. And he didn't tell your mum until she was about to give birth to you. The principle still applies this woman was nothing to your mum and apparently not much to your dad either having married another woman and had another child within a year of having had that child.

I agree with others if it was a one night stand who knows who the father was. It could be your dad, but if that was her lifestyle there may be others in the running. You need to find the possible half brother and get a DNA test before you blame your mum for anything.

Yes. Very much.

but I think it will be impossible. Especially with the war

also 23andme is not really effective in Russia.

I found out I had an older half sibling too.

My mother was aware, I'm not sure exactly when she found out but at the latest it was when I was around 2.

I did judge my mother for being ok with my dad not seeing the other child. I don't know if she tried to stop him from doing so but I would say that's highly likely. If she did then yes I would judge her more harshly for it too and I'd be disgusted so I totally understand your perspective OP.

And like you I obviously blamed my dad a lot more.

Do you have a name or anything to go on?

I think I’m also judging my mother for being ok being with a deadbeat.

her new husband is also a deadbeat father. Doesn’t see his 2 kids from previous marriage

Yes name and surname. But nothing on social media

They still have a number, and it was in your dad’s phone. There is also such a thing as the phone book, even in Russia. This woman was not lost to your dad. He is just a deadbeat.

Your mum probably had enough to deal with being with him and kids coming out of the woodwork. And why was that woman calling constantly? Your dad should have set up contact calls and visits and sorted out his mess.

Ok, we get it OP. Your mum is the devil spawn as she said something not nice once to someone she didn't know. What do you want from this? Do you want us to join in the damnation of your mother?

Chances are this child isn’t your sibling.

Further, your father is the issue here. Not your mother.

She deleted her phone number. And threw away notebook that had her number written down.

Yes he was a deadbeat and I’m disgusted she was ok being with one.

her new husband was also a deadbeat.

I wouldn’t be disturbed if it was my mother.

Imagine being married and pregnant then finding out that. None of us can truly say what we would do unless we were put in that situation.

If it was me, and my husband had gathered another baby I would be absolutely devastated, especially if I was pregnant. Chances are that I would have divorced him, but then I would be left as a single mum to struggle.

It’s a hard one, but I don’t for one second believe any of this is your mothers fault.

Are we sure this isn’t a reverse? OP seems oddly supportive of a woman she’s never met, and knows that this woman wanted a relationship with her dad at the point she told them about the baby. OP was only just being born so how could she know this? OP are you the Russian mum? You blame the woman he ended up having a baby and staying with, even if only for a little while?

I agree with op. Her dad is a pos but I have no time for women who do all they can to prevent their husbands from seeing previous children.
I know it happens because I know a couple who were married and she actively said she would leave if he saw his son from a previous relationship and like an idiot he stopped seeing his son. I lost all respect for him but she is a vile human being and he should have left her. They had a son and then she cheated on him and won't let him see their son. She actually is a cunt and he's spineless.

amazing how she managed to track down a one night stand in a different country but your dad was unable to find her because your mom deleted her phone number even though he'd literally visited her and his son before

that makes what my mother said and did to her ok then! And my mother being cool with a deadbeat who hasn’t bothered seeing his kid not a bad thing!

btw her second husband was also a deadbeat.

I think op is the russian woman and if shes not, her reaction is very odd. op,you need to grow up.