Found out I have half brother my mum stopped my dad from seeing

[MayaYanney]

Hey guys

a few months ago I learned from a relative that I have a half brother one year older than me.

my father fathered a child in Russia when working there.

the story is allegedly my mother learned about him when she was about to give birth to me.

Allegedly the woman kept quiet she was pregnant and till the kid was one and then decided to tell my dad when my mum was about to give birth to me.

my father kept in contact by phone and visited him till I was 3/4. Think this Lady didnt know about me/my mum, not sure.

then one day she calls mother told her over the phone when she called “it was your choice to give birth. You were 38, last chance to have a kid. You wanted the kid for yourself so now raise him yourself” and hanged up.

some time later this woman called my mother had her friend say wrong phone number, this phone was sold.

my father never spoke to him after that. I guess he thought she disappeared again and wanted nothing to do with him? Idk? I am not sure if he continued paying child support.

now obviously you can’t stop a father who wants to see his kid but my father is a very weird man. He also has a relationship with my other much older half sister from previous marriage because her mother kept in contact. I really believe if my mother didn’t do this he would still be in contact with this boy.

now my mother says

it’s not her fault she found while married and pregnant he has a kid and she was very sick of this woman being annoying and calling non stop, very often, for hours when they were busy chatting about their son. Says “I was just sick of her calling constantly! We couldn’t get anything done! Maybe if she didn’t call everyday and wasn’t so annoying!!!”

I don’t know how to feel about all this. I am disturbed my mother did this. Am I right to think this was very cruel? And look at her differently now? My sister says I’m over reacting.

You are very close to your mother but you want a lot of strangers to condemn her behaviour?? You know that what she did was unfeeling to your half brother and his mother. How does it help to be agreed with?

I don't think her reaction is odd. I'd feel the same. I judged my mother for being ok with my dad being a deadbeat to his other child, and would have been even more disgusted if I knew she did what the OPs mother did.

With this logic you and the people being ok with this are women who are ok with deadbeat partners and want your partners not to see their kids.

Why is it odd I’m very disappointed my mother said this nasty stuff to a woman who did nothing to her.

Basically blaming her for something my father did.

why is it odd I’m imagining being a struggling single mom trying and hoping my child has relationship with his dad and one day having someone say something so nasty to me one the phone out of nowhere?

why is it odd I’m upset to learn my mother was not just ok with one deadbeat (her second husband who left two kids) but with TWO!!!!

Experiencing validation can be very helpful for someone in the short term when they're processing something.

That’s if he actually is your brother.

Was this the 90s/early 2000s, by any chance? Because that was a shitshow of a time in Russia, and it wasn’t at all uncommon for women to, actually quite understandably, look for a ticket out by way of a western man. To the extent that there was an entire industry built around it. The child may have been your father’s, but it’s entirely possible that she just said he was because it was more infinitely more beneficial for her to do so. Without a DNA test you cannot know, and with the wider context being what it was, you’d be wise to extremely cautious when it comes to what you’re willing to believe without one.

I’m half Russian and fully Slavic myself, and I’m not saying this with any moral judgement.

I was thinking this too but I saw a photo of him. My aunt kept it. He looks exactly like my dad.

I’m astounded at the people who claim your mum did nothing wrong. Failing to tell you about a sibling is awful behaviour! It’d take a lot of work for me to forgive that tbh.

He may do, but that doesn’t actually mean that he is. All I am saying is be cautious.

Some (a lot!!) of women just don't care if a man is a deadbeat. I think some are also flattered if a man puts them before the child.

You seem determined to be angry at your mum and feel justified in that.
You sound ridiculous.
Everyone was an adult.
Your mum told the lady to go away, the lady didn't have to.
Your mum apparently threw the only phone number in existence away 🤣
Newsflash, if either parent wanted to their child to stay in contact, they would've found away, I guarantee your mum's actions that day didn't contribute to anything.
And so what if ur mum said/did that?
You seem to be determined to think the worst of her 🙄
Ps, stop writing in cap locks, that's weird.

You have absolutely no idea what conversations your dad and this other woman actually had. Or the impact her calling 'non stop' was having on the adults at the time. Or what life the other woman has actually lived. All you have done is make a shed ton of assumptions about her being some poor, innocent single mum who never hurt anyone and only wanted her child's dad to contribute and be involved.
For all you know, she married someone else and was calling your dad to ask for permission for her new husband to adopt the child. Or she was calling because he had stopped paying maintenance. Or she really was just a constant nightmare who made life a living hell for your parents . There are any number of possibilities as to what was actually happening at the time , none of which you would have a clue about because you were four years old.

Agree with this. ^ I feel really sorry for your mum @MayaYanney Not only did she have her husband shagging another woman, and getting her pregnant, and discover this WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT, but also, her daughter (you) won't fight in her corner.

Why on earth are you so defensive of this OTHER woman?

Your father is the one in the wrong here, affair woman is also in the wrong (but not as bad as your dad,) and your mum has done nothing wrong.

As I said, why are you so defensive of this woman?

Really strange thread........

Well, if you never speak to her again, I think she’ll be relieved… You are mean and spiteful.

It was not for the mum to tell the OP anything. This other child was nothing to do with her mum.

How lovely that the bad guy - the OP's father - gets off scot free.

Ah, the patriarchy! Gotta love it!

It can be but it's also a dangerous game asking strangers online what they think of your mum!

He didn't.
OP hasn't spoken to him in decades and thinks he is a piece of shit.

I cannot imagine how devastated your mother must have been. Then to have the other woman harrasing her when she was newly postpartum. She obviously did what she thought was best at the time, she didn't want resources being taken from you or for you to be impacted emotionally by your father's actions. If she had told you what impact would that have on your childhood? Why is your Aunt telling you all this now?

I think you should allow your mother grace, she should never have been put in the position she was put in.

Your poor mother

She wasn't harassing her.

I have a headache from all the OPs shouting

You seem to have detailed knowledge of precisely what was said by who, what was done to make it "impossible" to contact this woman again, even to the extent that you know the phone in question was a "top up credit" one (which you earlier said was later "sold"). Since you were a toddler at the time, we have to assume that you got all these details from your conversation with your mother. Either that, or she gave you a broad outline of why she didn't want this woman contacting your father and that she put a stop to it and you are filling in not only the details, but everyone's motivations for doing so. I'm sorry that you're so upset over it and that you feel so strongly for the young man (your presumed half-brother). But, as others have tried to explain to you, you may not have all the facts or understand the true situation. And even if you do, what good is getting so angry with your mother going to do about that now? I'd concentrate on trying to get in touch with the brother. You've a photo, a name and if you wanted to know more, could conceivably even ask your father what his explanation is.

Wonder what the responses would be if the woman in question had written "I had a child with a man (he was single at the time) and when I called him about our son his wife answered his phone and said "He wants nothing to do with you or your child, quit calling!!". Now I haven't heard from him, what should I do?". I think the answers might have been different and the wife would have been blasted for interfering.

I understand your feelings. My feelings of anger at my dad would be that he didn't try to keep in contact with his son. I know your mum threw his phone book out, but I'm sure he probably could have found her number some way. And if he dropped contact because your mum told him to, then shame on them both.

From what you said, he didn't cheat on your mum, this all happened before they got together. And I think he didn't know about the child til right before or after you were born? If I'm wrong and he knew and didn't tell your mum then shame on him. But if he didn't know and found out the same time as your mum then shame on her for what she did. As a mother herself, she should have been encouraging your dad to live up to his responsibilities not making it difficult or impossible for him to do so. It doesn't mean your mum had to have a relationship with your half-brother, but she shouldn't have impeded your dad in doing so.

So yes, I don't blame you for being angry with her. She should have just handed the phone to your dad and stepped away. She should have encouraged him to meet his responsibilities to ALL of his children.

Neither of your parents behaved well. All three of you have lost sibling relationships, and your hb has been denied a relationship with his dad.

Sad all round.

I'd be tempted to try to find your brother. Some kind of acknowledgement would be nice. Even if only to exchange Xmas greetings once a year.

..

But what is it you wanted your mother to do. She wasnt going to maintain a relationship with this child after your dad was gone, what do you want. Did she block the number or just delete. This women could have tryed to contact your dad again using the phone or a different phone. If all it took was your mom been angry do you believe she didnt find someone else to help her.