Found out I have half brother my mum stopped my dad from seeing

[MayaYanney]

Hey guys

a few months ago I learned from a relative that I have a half brother one year older than me.

my father fathered a child in Russia when working there.

the story is allegedly my mother learned about him when she was about to give birth to me.

Allegedly the woman kept quiet she was pregnant and till the kid was one and then decided to tell my dad when my mum was about to give birth to me.

my father kept in contact by phone and visited him till I was 3/4. Think this Lady didnt know about me/my mum, not sure.

then one day she calls mother told her over the phone when she called “it was your choice to give birth. You were 38, last chance to have a kid. You wanted the kid for yourself so now raise him yourself” and hanged up.

some time later this woman called my mother had her friend say wrong phone number, this phone was sold.

my father never spoke to him after that. I guess he thought she disappeared again and wanted nothing to do with him? Idk? I am not sure if he continued paying child support.

now obviously you can’t stop a father who wants to see his kid but my father is a very weird man. He also has a relationship with my other much older half sister from previous marriage because her mother kept in contact. I really believe if my mother didn’t do this he would still be in contact with this boy.

now my mother says

it’s not her fault she found while married and pregnant he has a kid and she was very sick of this woman being annoying and calling non stop, very often, for hours when they were busy chatting about their son. Says “I was just sick of her calling constantly! We couldn’t get anything done! Maybe if she didn’t call everyday and wasn’t so annoying!!!”

I don’t know how to feel about all this. I am disturbed my mother did this. Am I right to think this was very cruel? And look at her differently now? My sister says I’m over reacting.

You’re expecting a lot from someone that has just had her world turned upside down by the actions of your father. She was almost undoubtedly in shock, and suddenly finding herself having to deal with a relationship and family that had been totally destabilized out of nowhere. Her priority was you, and it’s very likely that she saw this woman as someone that was threatening to destroy the life she had put all her effort into building. She responded in very human way. You specifically speak of compassion for this woman, yet you seem to have none for your mother.

Your mother wasn’t denying her anything she was entitled to. The only person doing that was your father, who was also denying your mother respect as his wife.

At any point he could have taken action to lessen the distress that was obviously being caused to your mother. He could have been honest with her from the beginning. He could have put boundaries in place regarding the phone calls. He could have retrieved this woman’s number and put actual effort into having a relationship with his child. He didn’t.

How old is this alleged half brother of yours?

Yes, I would very horrible and sorry for my mother. It is a horrible situation.

but what she said to that woman who never did anything to her feels very cruel and unnecessary

I get not being rational, but decades later she now keeps saying she doesn’t regret saying what she did. (Even though her and my dad broke up 2 years later anyway)

He could have called customer service and retrieved the number that way.

Your mother was lashing out in distress.

She didn’t just find out.

she picked up my dads phone 4 years later and tells this woman this.

also decades later she says she did the right thing.

You’re excusing him by looking for someone else to blame for something that is wholly 100% his fault.
Even if she did tell the woman to leave them alone, so what? The waste of skin that fathered you made his own choices after that point about whether to see and support yet another child he’d fathered or not. He chose not.

What did you expect your mother to do? Welcome her with open arms? In the circumstances under which she discovered this information and a time in her life when she was also vulnerable? There would also have been an element of her protecting you, her small child.

You’re disgusted by her? I imagine she is equally disgusted by you.

Let’s hope, if you ever find yourself in a situation where a man treats you in the way your father has treated multiple women and children, other women aren’t queuing up to place the blame squarely upon your shoulders.

4 years later??

she also told my dad when she found out she was fine with it.

Spend your energy tracking down your half brother not blaming everyone. Your father did bad your mother did good in some ways forgiving your dad, but bad in your eyes by (understandably) not wanting anything to do with the other woman or the 'love' child. If you are interested in getting in contact with your half brother get on with that.

She probably doesn't need your sympathy. She probably needs a break from your irrational shouting.

no.

I am only blaming her for saying what she said to that woman.

You really believe telling some woman who did nothing wrong and nothing to hurt anyone what she said is ok??

they were both victims in this situation. But my mother chose to attack her instead of my father and placed blame of her

let’s hope if you ever find yourself in situation as that woman or your daughter, you wouldn’t have to hear these kind of words from another woman.

i hope if this happens to me ill never have another woman treat me like this

She did do the right thing, for her. Her husband was as weak as water for not establishing boundaries in the first place.

Why your Mum did wasn’t kind, but it wasn’t as terrible as you are making out either.

You have to look at the whole situation in context. Maybe your Mum did feel that her family was being harassed and threatened by this woman. Maybe your Dad had been such a POS to her that she wasn’t thinking in the same way she usually would. She was trying to protect her own family. If you are close to her and wouldn’t have expected this of her, then she must be a good Mum and a decent person. She did one questionable thing at what was probably a difficult time in her life. Think about how you can begin to let this go and forgive her. Any lingering anger you have about not knowing your brother can be directed at your father for putting all of you in this position in the first place.

come on OP. if your dad wanted a relationship with his child he would have made it happen.

would you abandon your child because your new spouse didn’t like your ex? i mean lots of men do this but women don’t. because the men in question are shitheads.

Why have you bothered writing this post? You’ve already made your mind up and aren’t open to listening to what others have said, all your responses are argumentative and refuse to consider other perspectives. I feel sorry for your mum.

@MayaYanney your first post is written in such a way it implies your dad had an affair. You didn't make this clear.

What are you wanting to get from this? Are you wanting contact with your half brother?

You feel sorry for a woman who said some horrible unnecessary things to another innocent single mother woman who hurt no one?

You say it was a 1 night stand in Russia. Your DF found out about the child two years after this 1 night stand. How did he know this child was actually his? How did this woman have his phone number after a 1 night stand? Why did she wait two years to tell him about this child?
I smell a great big rat here and would be extremely surprised that this child, if it actually exists, wasn’t actually your DFs child.

Were you there? Did you hear what was said from both sides? Why should your mother be friendly with this woman who your father had a child with, she is no one to your mother except a continual reminder of her husbands unfaithfulness. Your father could keep in touch and support the child, your mother need have absolutely nothing to do with it.

How would you feel about an affair partner of your husband who had a child by him, would you welcome her with open arms? And talk to her endlessly on the phone or let your husband do so?

Your mother had no obligations to a random woman. This was solely your father’s responsibility.

if your mother had known about the child before getting pregnant it might have been different. Since she wasn’t given all the information, she had no obligation to accept anything.

Yes, even four years later. People don’t always just get over or learn to live with something like that, even if they say they do. For all you know she said to your father she was fine with it not because she actually was, but because she was trying to keep her own family intact. Clearly she wasn’t fine with it.

She may or may not feel regret about it. You’re very obviously disapproving of and sitting in judgement of her, so it’s unlikely she’d tell you even if she did. You are not her moral authority she must answer to.

we can feel sorry for both women involved and the baby but none of that changes the fact that it was your father that abandoned his child and only he is to blame for that. So what if your mum said some hurty words? He should have jumped on a plane to fix it immediately if he relationship with the child was at risk.

My father didn’t have an affair!! He impregnated her before he met my mum!

not friendly, but at least not say horrible things to an innocent woman who did nothing to hurt anyone

She may have been fine with it, as in forgiving him. That doesn't mean she wanted this woman in her life.

Not saying nasty stuff to some innocent woman who never hurt anyone is “an obligation”??

where did I say she had an obligation? All I said is she shouldn’t have been nasty to her.

What do you want op.

Your mum is your eyes is nasty.

Ok so now what?

What are you hoping to achieve by being hopping mad at something she did when you were 4 years old.