Found out I have half brother my mum stopped my dad from seeing

[MayaYanney]

Hey guys

a few months ago I learned from a relative that I have a half brother one year older than me.

my father fathered a child in Russia when working there.

the story is allegedly my mother learned about him when she was about to give birth to me.

Allegedly the woman kept quiet she was pregnant and till the kid was one and then decided to tell my dad when my mum was about to give birth to me.

my father kept in contact by phone and visited him till I was 3/4. Think this Lady didnt know about me/my mum, not sure.

then one day she calls mother told her over the phone when she called “it was your choice to give birth. You were 38, last chance to have a kid. You wanted the kid for yourself so now raise him yourself” and hanged up.

some time later this woman called my mother had her friend say wrong phone number, this phone was sold.

my father never spoke to him after that. I guess he thought she disappeared again and wanted nothing to do with him? Idk? I am not sure if he continued paying child support.

now obviously you can’t stop a father who wants to see his kid but my father is a very weird man. He also has a relationship with my other much older half sister from previous marriage because her mother kept in contact. I really believe if my mother didn’t do this he would still be in contact with this boy.

now my mother says

it’s not her fault she found while married and pregnant he has a kid and she was very sick of this woman being annoying and calling non stop, very often, for hours when they were busy chatting about their son. Says “I was just sick of her calling constantly! We couldn’t get anything done! Maybe if she didn’t call everyday and wasn’t so annoying!!!”

I don’t know how to feel about all this. I am disturbed my mother did this. Am I right to think this was very cruel? And look at her differently now? My sister says I’m over reacting.

Irrespective of what your mum said to this woman , if your dad wanted to maintain a relationship with his son, he would have.
Your mum may have stayed in her marriage, but she was perfectly within her rights to choose to have no involvement whatsoever with the OW.
I think your dad was cruel, not your mum.

That still doesn’t mean this was your mother’s problem. It wasn’t. The onus was entirely on your father.

She was not responsible for your father’s actions or lack thereof. This was his own father work, not wife work he was free to dump on her. His son was not her responsibility.

I’d be pretty disappointed in my father if he hadn’t moved heaven and earth to stay in touch with his children.

What your Mum did wasn’t “immoral”, it wasn’t the right thing or the kindest thing to do, but look at it from her perspective- she was heavily pregnant and discovers your father has a baby she doesn’t know about. She must have been devastated.

If she’d known your Dad had a new baby would she have got together with him? Probably not.

Her behaviour is open to challenge but it’s hard not to have compassion for her.

The charge of immorality sits squarely with your Dad I’m afraid.

1. There was no affair
2. what she said was nasty to the innocent boy who had nothing to do with it, and that poor woman
3. she deleted her phone number

Ok so he didn’t cheat.

Why did your dad not have his child’s mother number written down somewhere? Why did he not try to visit sooner than just assuming the mother had just disappeared.

Even that part still makes him look bad alone. He just shrugged his shoulders like oh well she’s gone again.

Your mother isn’t responsible for getting your dad to stay in contact or not.

Your mother just wanted her to stop calling her.

Your dad should have been calling her to ask about his own child.

Of course but You think it’s ok telling some innocent single mother “get lost”??

Can you not empathise with what it must have done to your mother? About to give birth and finds out her husband has fathered another child? That must have been devastating. You were a baby and this is nothing to do with you, stop judging her.

My mum threw away notebook with her phone number.

No, but presumably she was hurt, distressed, harassed, exhausted (you were tiny after all), betrayed etc etc

Under those circumstances, I’d have some compassion .

No one is deflecting, you’re just not being agreed with like you think you should be.

Of course it wasn’t the child’s fault, but what does that have to do with your mother? This wasn’t a problem she created, and it wasn’t one she was responsible for solving or compensating him for.

Your mum signed up to your dad with the one older daughter. Then about to give birth finds out he has another child.

Then in your mums version this woman is constantly calling her phone, for hour chats daily.

Id be sick of it and telling her not to call my phone as well.

Your dad could get his own phone and call the mother of his child, your dad could have set boundaries to not call every day. Your dad could have chased when she went from daily to poof gone.

Basically it’s all on YOUR DAD

just as devastating for some single mother innocent woman to hear what she said.

Actually she never called my mum. my mum picked up my dad’s phone and said this. She also got rid of her phone number and threw away notebook with her phone number

she could of asked for less phone calls and set boundaries. Instead she said

he wants me to say he wants nothing to do with you or your kid, get lost

Yes, absolutely. This innocent single mother was entitled to nothing from your mother, and had no right to continue harassing her when she had repeatedly been told ‘no’.

An innocent single mother who wasn't bothered about her child meeting his father until he turned 1? So almost 2 full years she kept the pregnancy and baby a secret?

Also, yes the other mother should have had a bit more respect than constantly ringing while your mother was heavily pregnant or with a very young baby.

At the end of the day... your Dad is estranged from you, didn't bother with the Russian brother for his entire life and also has at least one more child? Your poor mother is lucky to be rid of him.

Calling the father of her child is “harrassment”? She never called my mums phone, but my dads phone.

and she was never told no. I asked if my mother if she at least tried saying call less first, she said no.

Wow, why attack OP? She is upset. She has said her DF is a bit weird, I don’t see that as an endorsement.

She has every right to feel upset with her mother, her father, the other women, with every and anyone. None of them is blameless. But she has a half brother that she has just been told of.

And as for the misogynist comment, come on!

thank you

he is extremely weird

my father is an awful human and I haven’t spoken to him in a decade.

i didn’t expect better from him.

but I am shocked my mum would do this. Tell some innocent woman “get lost, he wants me to say he wants nothing to do with your kid”

and get rid of this woman’s phone number that was written down

You seem very, very determined to not forgive your Mum for this.

You must be fairly young if your Dad had a mobile phone when you were a baby.

Our parents aren't perfect and that’s disappointing, because we secretly expect them to be.

Your Dad sounds less than ideal, I’d hang on in there with your Mum.

Presumably your Mum knows the boy’s name, you might be able to find them and reach out, if that’s important to you and your sister.

Ok.

Whatever we say your mums evil, what a bitch. Better?

She wasn’t ringing when my mom had a baby, but when I was 3/4

also, I’m pretty sure my aunt says she didn’t even know about my or my mothers existence.

the “constant ringing” is my mums Defense. There’s no proof she constantly rang. She also could of set boundaries first but she didn’t.

I’m not going to blame her for keeping a secret, it was a one night stand, maybe she was scared or worried. Pregnant women are vulnerable. Anyway it’s not the child’s fault

Anyway even if she kept preganncy a secret or constantly rang doesn’t make what my mum did ok.

Got a random pregnant in Russia, then came home to the UK and within a year, he’d met and got your mum pregnant. All a bit grim really.

If your father had wanted to communicate with her he could have done. He chose not to. So what if she deleted the number? He could have retrieved it. He knew her address, so he could have written to her, or even travelled to Russia to see her.

Your mother got this dumped on her out of nowhere. Of course she wasn’t welcoming it, or tolerant of constant phone calls causing her nothing but stress when she was shocked and reeling.

The only person responsible for this situation, and for managing it, was your father. He was all responsible for demonstrating to his wife basic respect, care, and consideration. He failed to do that too.

The phone number would have been on your phone bills. So it wasn’t gone. Your dad could have called her. Stop making excuses for him.

Your mums reaction was understandable. Regardless of her doing it, your dad could have found a way to be in contact with this woman and his child and facilitated a relationship between you if he wanted to. I wouldn’t put blame on your mum in this situation, I’d only have sympathy for her.