Found out I have half brother my mum stopped my dad from seeing

[MayaYanney]

Hey guys

a few months ago I learned from a relative that I have a half brother one year older than me.

my father fathered a child in Russia when working there.

the story is allegedly my mother learned about him when she was about to give birth to me.

Allegedly the woman kept quiet she was pregnant and till the kid was one and then decided to tell my dad when my mum was about to give birth to me.

my father kept in contact by phone and visited him till I was 3/4. Think this Lady didnt know about me/my mum, not sure.

then one day she calls mother told her over the phone when she called “it was your choice to give birth. You were 38, last chance to have a kid. You wanted the kid for yourself so now raise him yourself” and hanged up.

some time later this woman called my mother had her friend say wrong phone number, this phone was sold.

my father never spoke to him after that. I guess he thought she disappeared again and wanted nothing to do with him? Idk? I am not sure if he continued paying child support.

now obviously you can’t stop a father who wants to see his kid but my father is a very weird man. He also has a relationship with my other much older half sister from previous marriage because her mother kept in contact. I really believe if my mother didn’t do this he would still be in contact with this boy.

now my mother says

it’s not her fault she found while married and pregnant he has a kid and she was very sick of this woman being annoying and calling non stop, very often, for hours when they were busy chatting about their son. Says “I was just sick of her calling constantly! We couldn’t get anything done! Maybe if she didn’t call everyday and wasn’t so annoying!!!”

I don’t know how to feel about all this. I am disturbed my mother did this. Am I right to think this was very cruel? And look at her differently now? My sister says I’m over reacting.

One outburst I get, but decades later she says she doesn’t care. She can’t admit it was not right and she not only cool with my father being a deadbeat but her second husband after my dad was a deadbeat too

It wasn’t one word either. Second time after a while she called my mum had her male friend say “You have the wrong number”

the woman didn’t know about my mums existence either.

he wrote and visited but she no longer lived there/moved

i mean I know my dad is disgusting, but im just disappointed in my mother. Idk I just feel very strongly about men who abandon their kids and partners who are ok with it/support it

I swear I am not. My father would always leave his phone laying around/forgetting at home. Why do you think I’m so angry?

I really don’t get why this thread has gone this way.

Correct me if I am wrong.

A man has sex with a woman, woman gets pregnant. Said man, does not know that the woman got pregnant.

Man gets into relationship with OPs mum, OPs DM gets pregnant. OP is born.

At some time the first woman calls OPs father to say she has a now 1 year old DS. OPs father has contact with his DS until OPs DM one day intercepts a call and tells OW to get lost, and hangs up the next time OW calls hangs up and contact between OPs Not so DF and his DS stops.

Now OP wonders if her DM saying this to OW had any impact on Not so DF loosing contact with DS.

OP doesn’t have a relationship with Not so DF, he is a deadbeat man.

Ok! So we have ascertained that she is not making excuses for him, as she was earlier accused of.

OP is upset that her DM would speak to another woman in this way. What’s wrong with that. OW did not attack OPs mum, she was just trying to maintain a relationship for her DS with his deadbeat DF.

But PPs have accused OP of all sorts, she needs to love bomb her courageous DM and head off to therapy!

Ok, so I haven't read the full thread but I've read all of your comments and replies. You seem to have a lot of anger issues OP. Firstly, I would look to get some help with that. You've had some pretty shocking news about your parents' past. Your Dad sounds like a dick. It also sounds like you've relied heavily (emotionally speaking) on your Mum and have had the rug ripped out from under you when you've found out about this incident. I'm not saying your Mum wasn't in the wrong, but she is human. Man or woman is irrelevant. She reacted in a very human way and she doesn't regret that. That is her right. If you don't agree with what she did, that is your right. I wouldn't, however, recommend judging her entire personality on this incident. You also keep referring to the Russian woman as innocent. You don't know that. In fact, all you do know is what you've been told by those who were around at the time. If this thread is anything to judge by you're going around in circles about something that you know very little about. Good luck.

Oh, and before you say it, my husband is not a deadbeat. He's a hard working and loving husband and father.

Think about what you have been told. It doesn’t add up or make sense.

Your mum snapped once at her calling according to you - Yabu to consider that a crime of the century. We’ve all snapped at someone once - sounds like she had cause and was at the end of her tether. What makes NO LOGICAL sense is that the Russian mother responds to one snappy comment with a) never calling that number again b) never bothering to ask for child maintenance again c) never contacting your dad by any other means again (remember she still has HIS phone number even if you are gullible enough to believe he no longer had hers).

Your dad did not tell you the whole truth about her contacting him or his ability to continue to contact her. (or potentially who she was to him - perhaps your mum speaking was the first time your brother’s mum learned of your mum?)

i know you are angry to not know about your brother. I feel how upsetting that must be, but that reality and loss of contact was not caused by one snappy comment and deleted-in-a-rage phone number. Please forgive your mum for this minor one-off thing.

Why so rude ?

She doesn’t have to admit it wasn’t right if she doesn’t feel that way. You’re looking for her to answer to you, express contrition, and affirm your view as the only valid and correct one.

You aren’t entitled to that from her. She has her own opinions, and you don’t have to like or approve of them. Piously lecturing her isn’t something she needs to entertain, and it isn’t going to make her sympathetic to your opinions, either.

You want something from your family that you aren’t going to get. You would be best served working on what is actually within your power to control, and coming to terms with that.

I would be wary of your aunt tbh, based on what you’ve said so far in reference to her suggests she’s got her own motives that have nothing to do with what is in your interests. If you have little in the way of family connection and mourn this, then alienating a mother you are close to may be something you end up regretting.

Put your self in your mothers shoes for a minute.

Some random women calls them when she is at her most vulnerable to give the news of the offspring of her husband.

Of course she was going to be angry and insecure. What she did wasn't right but it's understandable.

Redirect your anger at your dad who couldn't be asked to put anything on the end of it and ended up making babies with multiple women instead. Who knows how many more are out there.

You do not know anything about the Russian woman really. Is she totally 'innocent'? Being a single mother seems to give her saintly status in your eyes. Maybe she married later on, maybe she had many children by different fathers - you just don't know. Sure, your mother could have been kinder to her but what a mess (of your father's making) she had thrown at her at a challenging time of her life with a new baby. You seem irrationally angry at only your mum for this and there must be a reason for that.

Her mum wasnt cheated on. The two women just got pregnant around the same time, but the boy is older than her mom's first child.

Her mom deleted the womans phone number.

I wouldn't. Women like the ops mom are selfish, and narcissistic. They only care about themselves.

I’m with your mum. What a whole pile of shit.

Her mom is a pile of trash.

The number would have been on other bills.

Also laughing at the thought that the dad took long enough for the women to move her entire home to bother going to look or trying to ever call her. But it’s still the mums fault.

Aunty has photos dad has the address but zero back up of a phone number 🤣 dad wrote zero letters and made zero attempt to call or text to realise the number was missing. A Russian women not known for being meek women took one angry women over the phone to basically go into hiding. I think the whole story is rather strange.

Mum made a hasty angry fuck up of a fuck off answering the phone.

Dad just gave zero fucks. But odds are the sibling gives zero fucks about some half sibling as well which is what really seems to be bothering op.

It’s that she wants this half sibling. Because she wants a sibling her other half has zero interest in her either.

Many half siblings raised well apart actually don’t want to know the other and find it annoying and a pain in the arse when these halves come crawling out wanting some instant family from them.

Your sister is right.

YABU but clearly won't listen.

If he was a deadbeat nasty man, you sure don't seem to have any empathy for your DM.
You seem hung on wanting her to suffer somehow.
Is your life perfect OP?

Are you at all disturbed about your dad's egregious part in this? FFS, blaming your mum for your dad's mess! Your dad walked away from his kid.

Didn’t I mention I’m estranged and haven’t spoken to him in decade?

no I am blaming her for attacking a woman and blaming this woman who did nothing to her for her husbands mess

I am glad you understand it’s terrible a man walks away from his kid. So what does it tell you about my mum if she was cool being with a dead beat and supported a man walking away from his kid.

I really do wonder if this woman made a thread asking for advice

how she got pregnant, single mum trying to be in contact so her kid has a father and a woman says “get lost he wants me to tell you he wants nothing to do with your kid”

would the comments be the same?

”his poor wife, leave him alone”

A woman being ok with having a deadbeat hubby, supporting his deadbeat ways and supporting that deadbeat dad not seeing his kid will always be immoral and gross

Wow, your mother prevented your father from having a relationship with his son. She stopped an innocent child from having a relationship with his father. And he let her.

If she was a step mother on here doing that she'd be torn to shreds. What a strange place MN is.

Your mother isn’t going to give you what you want here.

She didn’t. OP’s father was a grown ass man perfectly capable of deciding that for himself.

‘He let her’
That’s entirely on your dad.
OP is your real issue that you’d like to have contact with your half brother, and you’re blaming your mum for depriving you of this?

I’d tell her to contact the man and make sure it’s the man. Even if that’s meant a solicitors letter if needed or via the aunty.

I’d also say if that’s what the man wanted then he was a weak man and that her child was better off without such a useless father, who would pick a woman over his child.

Id also advise her to look into if child maintenance payments could be done between her country and ours.

Because ultimately the relationship is between the man and child and it’s about what’s best for child not if the women are or are not innocent or mean.