To tell friend she can't come on holiday if she doesn't pay her share?

[Glitterinthegrey]

My friend and I agreed to go on holiday together in May half term. It's me & my teenager, and her & her three children aged between 11 and 16.

I booked it, and she was meant to give me half of the money. The final date for payment came and she said she didn't have it, so I paid it on the understanding she would pay me back.

She's now saying she won't be able to afford their train tickets if she has to pay me, too. Neither of us drive, so we holiday in coastal towns with good links.

I'm in a better financial position than her, but I still have to work and save to afford holidays. I don't mind subsidising her by paying more than my share, but feel like excpecting me to pay the whole lot is taking the piss.

Would IBU to tell her they can't come if she doesn'tpay at least some of the cost? It feels mean, but equally I don't want to be a doormat.

That's crap. Don't do it.

I actually find it unbelievable that she think it acceptable not to pay her way. This isn't up to you OP.

I disagree, I think her kids will be fine, holidays get cancelled or rescheduled all the time. And if they are a bit upset that sucks but it’s not OP responsibility and ultimately they will get over it.

Enabling her to be a CF won’t motivate her to be more responsible next time. She will always just be sponging off someone else.

She needs to either pay up or face the consequences of this by not going, which will make her think twice before promising to take her kids anywhere else she can’t afford.

Well, that's your opinion, which you're allowed to have. I disagree. I think OP helped to put herself in this shit position and this will be a good reminder to her not to do it again and to be on the lookout for cheeky fuckery into the future.

Of course the kids will be fine. They'll also have hurt feelings and miss out on a holiday, which I don't think is necessary if the OP can afford it.

Up to OP, she asked for opinions, and that is precisely what I would do, and then I'd move on from the friendship and never be such a pushover again.

She’s taking the P.

None of that is the OPs problem the friend created this mess no one else

I disagree, OP was a daft doormat. Now she knows better. Up to her, but this is exactly what I would do. OP asked for opinions. This is mine.

Thing is OP stated quite clearly - by saying that they only do UK seaside breaks because they cannot afford anything else - that she cannot afford it?

So, no, she really shouldn’t be manipulated into letting the friend and her 3 kids come without her coughing up first, not least as others have pointed out because if she cannot afford her share plus the rail fare, how will she afford her share of everything else on the holiday. Why should OP be forced to play lady bountiful and risk becoming even further out of pocket when the friend states she cannot afford her share of the grocery shop for her 3 kids too?

No, OP really should stop this now.

That's your opinion, and you are entitled to it. I disagree, and would do precisely what I suggested to OP.

Good for you. You are in the minority. And clearly have more money than OP as your position is predicated on being able to afford to pay for her friend - OP has clearly indicated that she can’t. It’s very easy to spend other people’s money, isn’t it? You are, in effect, no better than the friend.

No chance. She’s taking the piss!

So further being walked over.
Nope the friend is in the wrong, she cant afford the holiday, doesn't sound like she can afford anything when there. No way would I let her come, she fucked around and is finding out. Her kids are not ops responsibility.

I think the bit about "I paid with THE UNDERSTANDING she would pay me back" was your first mistake tbh. If she hadn't clarified that it was just a temporary loan and that she would pay you back when she had the money then I can't help feeling you've done your own legs. Don't get me wrong, it was a very nice thing to do for your friend but it seems like you assumed so maybe she got the wrong end of the stick. It's also very selfish of her to assume you're paying for them though and she should never have agreed to go if she couldn't afford it. I would rather lose the money than pay for a "friend" like that!

Agree. I think it would also be a very fraught holiday. If you knew you had paid for the accomodation and ordered the food (already paying more than your fair share being 2 People compared to 4) then saw your friend dishing out money to her kids at any point or spending money on drinks at the entertainment for example you would be a bit peeved. As they are teens imagine they want to play in the arcades (assuming this is a caravan park type holiday). If friend gave her 3 kids £20 each you would be quite annoyed that she didn't use this money to contribute to the holiday.

So look at this way, the money you covered her for is your spends. Now tell me if she should go! No, she shouldn’t and she needs to stump up or you sell it to Someone else, as you need your spends which you covered her share with! Simple, she already took the mick when you paid more than she did for the equation of whose going.

Which is why she does it to you. Sadly she’s using you

You're feeling guilty, do you think she feels guilty? Unlikely!

I'd try and find someone else to come.

And just tell her, let's leave it this time and let me know when/if you've some money saved for a trip and we can take it from there. Don't book anything until she's handed you the money next time.

You’re acting like a bit of a mug

if you holiday with friends, friends pay! She should be paying more than half surely, unless her lot are only using the same amount of rooms as your lot which seems unlikely

have you for another friend to step in and come instead?

it definitely is awkward but you absolutely do not want to get into the habit of paying for her holidays!

I think you need to try to find your indignation here. Your friend is seriously trying it on.

As you seem to be a kind and lovely friend, the temptation will be to address it in an apologetic way…‘I’m sorry but I don’t think I can afford to pay for your holiday, do you think you can give me the money soon?’ But this will just give her a foothold to wheedle and appeal against your better judgement. You need to address it in a confident and no nonsense manner: ‘Flaky Friend, it’s now become clear that you can’t afford to go on this holiday and obviously you can’t expect for me to pay for it as it’s a household expense so I’m just letting you know that I’ve started to make enquiries about other friends who can join us instead. Unless I have the full money in my account by 5pm on Friday I’ll assume you’re not coming.’

Then prepare yourself for emotional blackmail and promises to pay you after the holiday. If she does, just say on repeat ‘No that doesn’t work for me. If the money isn’t there by Friday I will be asking someone else.’ You may well find the money appears in your account….

Havent read any other comments so i am answering your original post, in case there are updates - Sounds like she had this whole thing planned from the very start. I would not accept it or she gets what she planned. A free holiday, courtesy of you.

She's the reason her kids don't get a holiday.

Do not feel guilty.

This!!!! She is the reason, not you so dont feel guilty. She is taking the P!!

Heavens! I go on holiday with one of my 3 children and her 3 kids (2 of whom have disabilities) to help with child care (so not especially restful😧) and I pay half the holiday despite them being 4 and me 1 so she absolutely needs to pay her share!

I would ask straight out "are you expecting me to pay for your holiday? If so, that is not going to happen and very unfair of you to even ask."

I would find it impossible to stay friends with someone who had so little respect / consideration for me.

Is this "friend" worth the maintenance cost? There are two on your side and four on her side. You and your teenager can have far better holidays with far less baggage.

That said, her kids are probably excited about the trip, which seems to be imminent. So if you have the money you might want to indulge them... whilst making clear it is absolutely the last time.