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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

412 replies

Sharktale2020 · 27/04/2026 20:30

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

OP posts:
PoppinjayPolly · 27/04/2026 21:12

She walked out on her 6 yo ten years ago? My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth. Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.

SALaw · 27/04/2026 21:13

Sharktale2020 · 27/04/2026 20:46

She doesn't want to share which I get.
It's a sad situation-she has 8 brothers and sisters from mum and dad getting with different partners.
they have never all lived together and she is not close with the sister who lives with me.
She has said she doesn't want to go into care and would stay with me as a last resort(my little one really is hard work)
Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.
She isn't a viable option hence why her sister is with me.
Social services may say they will help but believe me i wouldnt put my trust in that!

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How did she walk out on them 10 years ago if the youngest is 6?

PinkyFlamingo · 27/04/2026 21:13

Helpboat · 27/04/2026 20:55

You will have to take her. Both of your sisters are utterly selfish.

That's not fair. Both the parents are at fault here but it's not right to say a woman is selfish if she doesn't want to raise someone else's child, family or not!

SALaw · 27/04/2026 21:14

Sharktale2020 · 27/04/2026 20:46

She doesn't want to share which I get.
It's a sad situation-she has 8 brothers and sisters from mum and dad getting with different partners.
they have never all lived together and she is not close with the sister who lives with me.
She has said she doesn't want to go into care and would stay with me as a last resort(my little one really is hard work)
Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.
She isn't a viable option hence why her sister is with me.
Social services may say they will help but believe me i wouldnt put my trust in that!

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How many of the 8 are your sister’s children rather than her (ex?) partner’s? Where are the rest of them?

RealEagle · 27/04/2026 21:15

PoppinjayPolly · 27/04/2026 21:12

She walked out on her 6 yo ten years ago? My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth. Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.

i was just gonna write this

PoppinjayPolly · 27/04/2026 21:17

RealEagle · 27/04/2026 21:15

i was just gonna write this

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Awaiting a knuckle rap for being judgy pants! 😆

Imaginingdragonsagain · 27/04/2026 21:17

You’re angry with the wrong sister.

NameChangeAgain48 · 27/04/2026 21:24

You are angry with the wrong people. It is not this sisters responsibility to parent her niece. She has been minding her and it clearly doesn't work for her. She is entitled to the life she wants. This isn't her child. She isn't shirking her responsibilities. Its sad for your niece. If you can help great but don't be angry with your sister choosing not too. Presumably she's raised her family.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 27/04/2026 21:27

Also to add OP you have had the 6 year old from birth, so you have bonded with her has a newborn and raised her yourself. Although she is hyper, 6 is a cute age. Your sister is dealing with a teenager, they are notoriously difficult to raise at the best of times, but your niece has whatever traumas she has suffered at the hands of her parents to add to the equation. Walk a mile in your sisters shoes before you judge her.

localnotail · 27/04/2026 21:27

You cant force someone to take on child they dont want - relative or not. You should be angry with your sibling who keeps breeding like its going out of fashion... Not the one who doesn't want her life disrupted - which is of course selfish but fair enough.

I would try to get the girl and if she does end up going into care temporarily try to have her at yours as much as possible. You are a lovely caring person and I just want to say I really admire you - but not everyone is like you...And its ok, this is how life is!

zukinizen · 27/04/2026 21:27

take in yours and put her in the same room with her small sister?

Idratherhaveafishsupper · 27/04/2026 21:31

Sharktale2020 · 27/04/2026 20:46

She doesn't want to share which I get.
It's a sad situation-she has 8 brothers and sisters from mum and dad getting with different partners.
they have never all lived together and she is not close with the sister who lives with me.
She has said she doesn't want to go into care and would stay with me as a last resort(my little one really is hard work)
Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.
She isn't a viable option hence why her sister is with me.
Social services may say they will help but believe me i wouldnt put my trust in that!

Show quote history

I wouldn’t trust SS either!

ChristmasCwtch · 27/04/2026 21:32

Your niece has shitty parents. Your anger should be directed at them.

You’re being massively unreasonable to expect your other sister to take on the burden of having a teenager.

You are being incredibly kind by taking on a kid that’s not your own. I don’t think you should expect someone else to do the same.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 27/04/2026 21:33

Sorry but I think you are being unfair on your sister, just because you have chosen to take 1 niece does not mean that option works for everyone.

She has tried to help and it isnt working out for her. As hard as that is, you niece would be better off with people set up and happy to help out than someone forced out of family loyalty.

Who are the 4 other people she lices with that aren't young children?

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:34

Bloody hell, the niece is 14, not a toddler, and just needs a roof over her head and meals and some support for the next four years. I cannot believe your sister. To toss your teenage niece into care, where there's a high chance she'll be abused, just because she doesn't want her to live with her for a mere four years, is absolutely wicked. I have no idea how anyone can be so callous. It's not like she has 18 years of growing to do, or needs her nappy changing or can't be left alone or needs bottle-feeding. Jesus fucking Christ.

SidekickSylvia · 27/04/2026 21:34

PoppinjayPolly · 27/04/2026 21:12

She walked out on her 6 yo ten years ago? My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth. Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.

There are 8 children, it'll be a different sister, not the 6 year old.

BarbiesDreamHome · 27/04/2026 21:36
  1. Your sister didn't want more kids. Your other sister being unfit has nothing to do with that. Your sister is recognising she needs to do what's best for her and the kids she has.
  1. With respect, I think you are coming from a place of love but creating chaos. The current placement with you isn't ideal for your own kids, never mind taking on another, and that assumes that you only take 2 of the 8 kids. Clearly you love your nieces, but your one sister having multiple kids she can't raise doesn't mean her sisters need to take them in because "family".

Your family living in an overcrowded situation or your sister, who by the sounds of it is done raising children, taking on another child, particularly when your unfit sister has more kids, is not a solution. It's an emotional, panicky reaction to a crisis.

Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff · 27/04/2026 21:40

OP is giving the 6 year old the best life she can. If she somehow took the 14 year old as well, both girls' quality of life would suffer. And as someone else said, it is unlikely that children's services would agree on a shared bedroom for kinship care/ special guardianship children. It's a tough road. Good luck, OP. 💐💐💐

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:41

NameChangeAgain48 · 27/04/2026 21:24

You are angry with the wrong people. It is not this sisters responsibility to parent her niece. She has been minding her and it clearly doesn't work for her. She is entitled to the life she wants. This isn't her child. She isn't shirking her responsibilities. Its sad for your niece. If you can help great but don't be angry with your sister choosing not too. Presumably she's raised her family.

Entitled to the life she wants, eh? If the day comes when she needs help from the family, and none of them are there for her because they're all "entitled to the life they want," then fine.

God, why are people so selfish these days. It's all "You're not responsible for their happiness" when the person in question is an immediate family member, like a spouse, and "You're entitled to do what you like" when there is a close family member needing help.

As long as people who subscribe to this way of thinking are one thousand percent self-sufficient and never, ever ask for help or blame anyone close to them for making them unhappy, all well and good. Mum said something really nasty to you and you're very upset? Well, she's not responsible for your happiness, doncha know. Broken your leg and need help washing your hair? Well, no one has time and they're entitled to their own lives. 😡 Selfish, selfish, selfish.

BarbiesDreamHome · 27/04/2026 21:41

Whatever you might think about your sister being cold hearted, her decisions have not negatively affected her own children.

On the other hand, have tried to do a good thing with the 6yo but admit your lives are now really hard. Yet you're looking to spread yourself thinner. That's not a good decision.

DisappointedofMeryton · 27/04/2026 21:41

PoppinjayPolly · 27/04/2026 21:12

She walked out on her 6 yo ten years ago? My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth. Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.

There are 8 siblings. Maybe a different sister, not the 6 year old OP is caring for?

OttilieKnackered · 27/04/2026 21:43

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:34

Bloody hell, the niece is 14, not a toddler, and just needs a roof over her head and meals and some support for the next four years. I cannot believe your sister. To toss your teenage niece into care, where there's a high chance she'll be abused, just because she doesn't want her to live with her for a mere four years, is absolutely wicked. I have no idea how anyone can be so callous. It's not like she has 18 years of growing to do, or needs her nappy changing or can't be left alone or needs bottle-feeding. Jesus fucking Christ.

Edited

Out of order. That 14 year old probably has multiple issues given her history (not her fault). She will likely be a huge disruption wherever she goes (again not her fault).

OP’s sister is probably protecting her peace and that of the people she lives with (guessing partner and adult kids?). I don’t see anything wrong with that.

The only wicked people here are the inadequate parents having child after child despite being unfit to care for them.

fabstraction · 27/04/2026 21:45

I think that when the child's own parents abandoned their kids, that's where the blame should start and end. Ideally, yes, your sister would step up and offer a home for your niece, but she didn't choose to have this child and it's not her fault that your niece is in this situation. She's taken her in for a while, at least, and she didn't even have to do that. Ultimately, you can't make her do something she's not prepared to do. You can be angry, but it's a waste of your energy. You won't change your sister's mind, and if she's determined not to have your niece in her home, it's best not to try to force that, anyway.

Rachie1973 · 27/04/2026 21:48

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:41

Entitled to the life she wants, eh? If the day comes when she needs help from the family, and none of them are there for her because they're all "entitled to the life they want," then fine.

God, why are people so selfish these days. It's all "You're not responsible for their happiness" when the person in question is an immediate family member, like a spouse, and "You're entitled to do what you like" when there is a close family member needing help.

As long as people who subscribe to this way of thinking are one thousand percent self-sufficient and never, ever ask for help or blame anyone close to them for making them unhappy, all well and good. Mum said something really nasty to you and you're very upset? Well, she's not responsible for your happiness, doncha know. Broken your leg and need help washing your hair? Well, no one has time and they're entitled to their own lives. 😡 Selfish, selfish, selfish.

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Of course she’s entitled to it. It’s not selfish to want the life you planned for.

JohnofWessex · 27/04/2026 21:55

How did the 6 year old come to be placed with you and do you get any help from Social Services.

They should provide a significant level of financial support but often dont.

I would suggest getting some specialist advice as to what you should be getting support wise and making sure that you get it.