AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

As if it isn’t selfish to expect the sister to accept the responsibilities OP’s trying to dump on her.

Yes, she very much is entitled to live the life she wants. She did not bring this child into the world.

What OP is asking is no small favour, but a massive commitment. Not just for her sister, but for the family she lives with and is actually responsible for. They are not obliged to sign up for this by virtue of being related to the girl.

I think that I'd save my anger for her actual parents tbh

Your niece has been living with her aunt for 10 years and now they are throwing her out? That is really awful. Has something happened to prompt this?

It's her life and her choice. You may think it's selfish. I think it's better for her to be honest now than to take on a child that she doesn't want. Having a child full time is a huge commitment, and it's long-term. You're talking about a 4 year 24/7 commitment. This isn't a broken leg or looking after someone for a few weeks with the lurgy. She has raised her family. She has fulfilled her responsibilities. Would it be nice of you took the child in? Absolutely. But, it would be wrong to judge her poorly for not wanting to. No one really knows what is goingbon in someone elses life. She's making the right decision for her and her family.

If it was one of my nibblings I'd like to think I would do it but I wouldn't do it to the detriment of my own kids wellbeing.

The op said the 14 year old was living with dad when removed by social services, not been 10 uesrs with aunt............but agree doesn't explain the 6 year old🤷

Ok thank you I am getting very confused. Poor children

I say the sister went on to have another baby by a different man, that baby was more likely taken off ops sister and given to op. Thats what I'm reading it as.

Why is the sister who has done nothing wrong to blame for this, no one should be guilt tripped into having a child live with them maybe if more thought went into all this mess before conception no one would have to pick up the pieces of the mees adults have created

Yes that's what I've assumed as op has had the 6yo since birth.

There have been a fair few times over the last 15 years that I've almost been in your sister's shoes thanks to my feckless brother. I'm child-free by choice and if I'd chosen to house my brother's children because he couldn't/ wouldn't, then my marriage would have been over.

It's not as cut-and-dried as some people might think.
As much as I wouldn't want to see my nieces/nephews taken into care, if I stepped in, then I wouldn't be able to house them long term as I'd be homeless myself.

YANBU and your sister sounds selfish - but it’s her life and she’s entitled to spend her time how she likes. Suddenly having a teenager moving in with you and having to cope with that and change your whole lifestyle is a big thing to ask of anyone.

Perhaps it’s best that your sister is honest - it doesn’t sound as if your niece would be likely to be very happy living with her, or made to feel at all welcome.

Um, the OP describes the teen in question as "well-behaved." So your musings about how much trouble she'll be are completely unfounded, which you would know if you'd read the OP.

Choice 1: Have your well-behaved teenage niece live with you for a mere four years until she's an adult.
Choice 2: Put her into the care system where the chances of her being physically, sexually, verbally, and emotionally abused skyrocket.

And you don't see anything wrong with that? REALLY? You would subject your niece to the care system in order to "protect your peace"? You think that OP's precious fucking peace is worth making a teenage girl so vulnerable?

"Oh, yeah, I let my teenage niece go into the care system where she was raped, but I was protecting my peace." 😡😡😡😡😡😡

God, why are human beings so wicked.

Are you fostering your niece ? or is she with you on an SGO?

Your anger needs to be directed towards the parents.

Leave your sister be, she can't, or won't take on your niece and she doesn't have to.
You take her.

The excuses for not housing a vulnerable female teenage family member on here are utterly shocking. I'm referring to both the Cruella of the OP and to those saying that if it was them, they wouldn't be able to because of X excuse.

There is NOTHING more important than keeping a "well-behaved" (as the OP says) young female relative out of the care system. Not your stupid fucking peace, not your "entitlement" to your own life, not your space issues, not your marriage, NOTHING. I appreciate it might not be possible if the girl is seriously disruptive, but OP says she is well-behaved.

All of you who would turn her over to care are wicked. How would YOU like to be thrown into the care system as a vulnerable youngster because your family wouldn't give a roof over your head for the mere four years left of your childhood? How would YOU like to be made vulnerable to all the people who prey on youngsters in the care system? Children in the care system experience very high rates of violence and abuse.

I would sleep in the bath before I'd let a fourteen-year-old niece of mine into the care system.

It’s better that’s she’s honest. Your niece deserves a home where she is wanted.

couldn’t imagine not having her but I’m not your sister. She’s allowed to say no.

Excuses, excuses. If your marriage would be over because you'd given four years over to save a young female relative from the abuses of the care system, then it's a horrible marriage to a horrible person and you're best off out of it. As for being homeless, come off it. She could sleep on the sofa and it would still be a million times better than going into the care system, where abuse is high and where no one would give a stuff about her.

I hope this horrible sister who would rather subject her teenage niece to the high rates of abuse in the care system instead of giving her a home for a mere four years comes back in her next life as someone in her niece's shoes.

Sorry - I mean OP's sister's precious peace, not OP's. Typing too fast.

This is what it boils down to really.
We can all bleat about entitlement and peace. Of course the sister never asked for this, nor did op. I’m not saying I’d be happy about it but I would do whatever it took to keep a relative out of the care system, especially if I had the room. The notion of the sister counting down the days til she’s rid of her is horrible. I feel so sorry for the 14 year old. A useless, feckless mother and a wider family none of whom give a shit. What a sad situation for her to be in.

Me too!

How did your sister walk out on her 2 x DDs ten years ago if the younger one is only 6?

I can appreciate you being disappointed that your more stable sister doesn’t want to care for one of your shared nieces but your anger is being misdirected - were you as forceful with your opinions to the children’s mother when it became clear she was not capable of caring for her progeny? Eg. letting her know that contraception /sterilisation /abortion were options that were available to her?

No one should be forced to take responsibility for children they had no involvement in making, it’s completely your DSis choice how she lives her life, her being a certain age or having a certain income does not mean that you can decide how she should spend her time and money.

I was "in the system" through no fault of my own as a teenager and can confirm the above. Housing a well-behaved 14yo is very different to agreeing to raise small or challenging children and when you consider what is at stake, it's almost a no-brainer. There really is something phenomenally sheltered and ignorant about most people who have never been in the system.

The thing about adults who allow children to be put into the system and abused is that somehow nothing is ever their fault and they were in a "really difficult position", which does usually look exactly like "but I want to go on holiday six times a year without a second thought".

You sound fab OP, and I really think that if your sister isn't willing to house/look after your niece she should find a way to financially support your taking her. But I suppose if your sister wanted to, she would have offered already. If worst comes to worst and your DN enters the system, she will be lucky to have a caring aunt (you) looking out for her and fighting her corner.

Why do you have to change your whole lifestyle to have a well-behaved fourteen-year-old living with you? Maybe some things would have to change, but she's hardly a toddler, and it's only four years. The poor lamb just needs a safe place away from the horrors of the care system until she's old enough to go away to uni or out to work full-time. Four years out of this selfish cow's entire life. I hope her precious lifestyle bites her in the arse.