AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

She still hasn’t answered how many teenagers she has rescued. I wonder why.

Logical fallacy soup.

You realise fostered and SGO kids, with their families still have a multitude of issues stemming from childhood traumas right?

Itsnot always the magic fix you imagine it is.

Are you alright?

I never said any of that about myself or my views.

I just said maybe the sister feels that way and that’s okay.

And it IS. Because isn’t it also awful to put a child with someone who doesn’t want them??

Its not selfish to pick your life and want to live it.

People suggesting that care is the worst thing that can happen to a child are missing the point that she's already been removed from both parents.
Many kinship carers are amazing. But not everyone is capable of being a great kinship carer. The girl is already 'in care', just that she's being fostered by a family member not an unrelated foster carer. There can be bad outcomes with kinship carers just like there can be with unrelated foster carers. A child being with a foster carer who isn't invested in them and regrets taking them is a recipe for disaster, whether that foster carer is related to the child or not.

If only it were that simple!! Obviously at a point the aunt did step up to avoid the neice going into care. Things seem to have changed for whatever the reason, not least that the aunt doesn't seem to be handling things appropriately.

You have no idea of that aunts capabilities. It may be an entirely inappropriate placement if its breaking down in this way and potentially quite abusive in and of itself. Equally placements frequently break down when a child hits puberty and suddenly you're looking after a moody teen rather than a younger child. If you don't have the skills and support to deal with that it's going to get tough fast. The aunt saying she'll enjoy being in care is a major red flag to me that this is not a great placement.

Obviously going into non family care is far from ideal and kids who are supported to stay in kinship care generally have better outcomes. But that highly depends on how safe and supportive the family member is in the first place. If this really isn't working then best scenario is actually that the neice moves in with op who may be better equipped to support around trauma given her experience supporting the younger sibling already.

So I don't know why you're attacking another poster for looking at the reality of the situation.

No come on, why is that a logical fallacy?

Such strong feelings surely must be underwritten with some action?

Ultimately, whether she goes into care or not, this poor 14yo needs at least one adult looking out for her who is heavily invested in her wellbeing and her safety. The real danger is being one of those girls who disappears into the system. I wish someone had asked where I was or wondered what was happening to me. That would have made all the difference.

I’m an adoptive parent, twice over, so I’ve probably served my dues for society. Not that it was ever about that. There is no way I would be accommodating a trauma-experienced 14-year-old in my home, if I really did not want to do it. Believe me, it can be hellish. There is a massive national shortage of foster carers and adoptive parents right across the UK. All those outraged by the aunt’s honesty can phone their LAs tomorrow to volunteer their services. But please understand that there will be no meaningful support. Also, to add, if the 14-year-old enters the care system, this will be more beneficial to them when they reach adulthood as they will qualify for a full package of financial and other support, plus they will receive band 1 status for council housing. Kinship carers are hung out to dry by local authorities. They are emotionally blackmailed into caring for the children of relatives but are given no help. Honestly, as someone with nearly 20 years of experience within the system, I one hundred per cent do not condemn the aunt.

Because we are talking about one's teenage niece, and my two nieces are now adults and have never been in danger of being in the care system. Had they been, I would have sacrificed everything to keep them out of such danger. All my posts have been about the sheer callousness of not rescuing YOUR OWN NIECE.

What sister 😂

Do you mean the sister from the OP I referenced? You know, the thread you’re on?

Just again - are you okay?

Because the PP is specifically incensed by the idea of not taking in one's own niece, not any and all teenagers in need.

The niece is described as "well-behaved."

How appalling that you wouldn't even give her a chance, because other people you've looked after have been difficult.

But why does it being your niece make a difference? Abuse is abuse.

You happily live your life knowing this is going on in the care system more widely. Why not step up?

Thank you.

Some people have no brains and can't read.

If you don't understand the concept of love, I can't explain it to you.

I really can't understand the sneery and dismissive posts towards PPs who are upset by the notion of systemic child abuse.

Are you drunk? Or just always this deeply unpleasant?

I wish them luck after that phone call. As an adopter you’ll understand how intrusive just being accepted as a foster carer can be.

Even with kinship it’s not as simple as ‘I’ll do it’ when social services are involved.

Easy to shout from their ivory towers.

Wow! You are judging a woman who has adopted 2 children, when you have never been in the position yourself of having to make the choice. Your outrage is all in hypotheticals.

Wow. I perfectly understand love, thank you.

Yes, my elder daughter’s school described her as well-behaved. She was there. She just saved all of the violence for me and her much younger sister.

You need to take her in.

Maybe you should take her in 🥳