Page 18 | AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

Sharktale2020 · 2026-04-27T19:30:10+00:00

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be. Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back. She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her. The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s) When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses. She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through) I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses. I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded) While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer. She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children. My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth. We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help. The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman! Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life. She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care. How can someone have such a cold heart? And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!! No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools. The poor girl is going through enough.

PracticalPolicy · Yesterday 20:19

Birdsongisangry · Yesterday 16:52

If the family stepped in when dad was struggling and made the arrangement themselves it would be.
In this case though it says that the niece was removed by social services from dad's and placed with aunt. If social services make the decision, and if they're doing things like holding (Looked After) review meetings it suggests that it's a short term fostering arrangement, in which case the aunt would be paid as a foster carer like any other foster carer.

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Not in the case of my nephew who was looked after for nearly two years by a friend of my brother until he became too disruptive.

They would have to go through the full foster carer process and training to get paid.

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 20:35

PracticalPolicy · Yesterday 13:35

I said COULDN'T, not WOULDN'T.

You know nothing about the circumstances my family and siblings live in. Don't you DARE comment on things you are not aware of. Don't you think we would have taken him if we could?

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Erm, well since you said the following, no, I didn't think you would take him if you could:

I don't see why I should pick up the pieces of my nephew's poor upbringing.

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 20:42

AnnieLummox · Yesterday 00:23

You are an absolutely awful person.

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🤣🤣🤣

Birdsongisangry · Yesterday 20:45

PracticalPolicy · Yesterday 20:19

Not in the case of my nephew who was looked after for nearly two years by a friend of my brother until he became too disruptive.

They would have to go through the full foster carer process and training to get paid.

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It is a bit nuanced, but if SS 'place' the child there are processes that they (should!) follow. The first stage is an initial viability assessment, which is some basic checks that can be done in the same day, and if approved allows the person to be paid as a temporary, level 1 foster carer. They then undergo a 12-16 week assessment while the child is living with them and undertake fostering training, at the end of which they are put forward for fostering panel. If approved they are a long term foster carer (for that specific child) and their payments increase.

Where I've worked there used to be some controversy where SS were involved, but encouraged the family to make arrangements and therefore classed it as a private arrangement so it wasn't paid. There has been guidance since so that it's not just who asks, or who physically takes the child there, but things like if SS are setting the rules (eg about when the child can see parents) then it's SS placement, not a family arrangement.

Of course there are lots of situations where SS aren't involved at all, where family step in, that aren't paid (other than standard benefits like CB) and theres a big push to try and get financial support as standard for those families.

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 20:47

AnnieLummox · Yesterday 00:29

You don’t want to know what my fondest wish is for you.

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Oh, stop! I've got the giggles and people are looking! 😂

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 20:51

Joloman74 · Yesterday 09:21

If she were my niece I would take her in regardless of the lack of room you say in the house! Family is family and that young girl needs stability and love and she would get it. Your sister is a despicable and selfish person!

Could have written the above myself.

Well done for being a humane, stand-up person, OP!

plsdontlookatme · Yesterday 20:59

I myself can own that I 1) am not in a position to foster a child and 2) am fairly selfish and have enough of my own problems to contend with. However, fundamentally, I am at least willing to recognise that the needs of a vulnerable 14yo matter more than mine (I used to be that 14yo, incidentally).

Nuttycoffee · Yesterday 20:59

I wouldn`t take in any one.
If that makes me selfish so be it.

momtoboys · Yesterday 21:06

Popiscle · Yesterday 11:26

Your mother deserved empathy too. You did her a favour allowing her to let go of the need to provide all the care.

Unfortunately some people have empathy for one party and none for the rest. I'm willing to bet if the aunt was an uncle, no-one would be casting judgement.

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Putting your GP in a home is a far cry from telling a 16 year old girl to leave the house of your family member and go into a system that historically has treated young people (especially females) poorly.

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 21:12

BloominNora · Yesterday 11:20

Highly unlikely as my area is somewhat niche but anyway

People have the right to make that judgement, having that right does not mean that people won't view them negatively for it.

If my parents had refused to take in a cousin because it may have disrupted my life, or it meant that I would have had to share a bedroom or have fewer holidays or whatever, and it had ended up with that cousin going into care, I would think very badly of them. Maybe not at the time, but certainly after I had children of my own.

It used to be acknowledged that it takes a village to raise a child, but society lost that view a long time ago. My nan was raised by her aunt after she was born out of wedlock and her mother couldn't care for her as an unmarried girl who worked in service - and thank goodness she did, rather than condemning her sister and niece to the workhouse or a life on the streets!

Adults should be responsible for themselves. For example, I will not provide care to my parents when they are elderly beyond the basics of helping look after finances, doing a bit of shopping etc.

If they need personal care daily care, it will need to come from carers or they will go into a retirement home. Similarly I have made it clear to my children that I would never expect them to do that for me under any circumstances. It is my job to raise them to independence, it is not and never will be their jobs to provide me with personal care.

But society does have a responsibility to children which means that sometimes inconvenience needs to be accepted and dealt with. If I had to take on my nieces and nephews would it inconvenience my children - yes. They would likely have to share a room and unless there was a robust financial provision in place, they would likely have to give up some of the things they have been used to. But they would understand that, as I have raised them to not be selfish!

You are correct, based purely on what we know from the OP, the sisters house probably isn't the best place for the niece to be which again is why I advised the OP to just focus on being there for her niece and to provide her with a home if it was feasible. But that doesn't mean people can't have an opinion of the sisters behaviour as the OP describes it!

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You're one of the good ones, @BloominNora.

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 21:20

AnnieLummox · Yesterday 11:22

The rest of my comment was aimed at people, particularly those with children, on this thread who were very much in the won't rather than can't category - posters who say they wouldn't do it simply because it would disrupt their own nuclear families, not because they are dealing with their own issues.
It demonstrates a distinct lack of empathy

I don’t see how you can talk about lack of empathy when you’re showing zero empathy for the family members it will affect. Of course most parents are going to put the needs of their own children ahead of those of their nieces and nephews.

Many years ago, I pushed for my grandparents to go into a home, because I could see my mother was on the verge of a breakdown from the stress of full-time care. I knew my grandmother hated the idea. I didn’t make that push likely, and I certainly didn’t do it because I didn’t care about her. I loved her very much. But I loved my mother more. There was no winner in the scenario, but I’d happily take anyone to task who suggested I “lacked empathy” because I put my mother first.

Well, you don't seem to have much empathy for your mother in this situation. YOU say that you loved your mother more than your grandmother, ie you loved your mother greatly, but did you ever consider that your mother likely felt the same degree of love for her OWN mother? And so therefore, it was up to her to decide her mother's care? As the granddaughter, your grandmother simply wasn't quite as important to you as your own mother, but it's exactly the same for your mum. I wouldn't have taken kindly to interference by someone who wasn't as connected to my mum as I was. And why did you have to push to have your grandmother put in a home? Why couldn't carers come in more? Or you could have helped out more? It wasn't your place to tell your mother what to do regarding her own much-loved mother.

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 21:23

momtoboys · Yesterday 21:06

Putting your GP in a home is a far cry from telling a 16 year old girl to leave the house of your family member and go into a system that historically has treated young people (especially females) poorly.

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Exactly.

The mental gymnastics are wild on here from those who would do the same as OP's sister. If only their hearts were as flexible!

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 21:25

Nuttycoffee · Yesterday 20:59

I wouldn`t take in any one.
If that makes me selfish so be it.

If you would be totally OK with being put into the care system at 14 even though you had an aunt with room for you, then all well and good.

AnnieLummox · Yesterday 22:20

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 21:20

Well, you don't seem to have much empathy for your mother in this situation. YOU say that you loved your mother more than your grandmother, ie you loved your mother greatly, but did you ever consider that your mother likely felt the same degree of love for her OWN mother? And so therefore, it was up to her to decide her mother's care? As the granddaughter, your grandmother simply wasn't quite as important to you as your own mother, but it's exactly the same for your mum. I wouldn't have taken kindly to interference by someone who wasn't as connected to my mum as I was. And why did you have to push to have your grandmother put in a home? Why couldn't carers come in more? Or you could have helped out more? It wasn't your place to tell your mother what to do regarding her own much-loved mother.

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It’s most definitely not YOUR place.

I’ve met some vile people on here over the years, but you are the worst. Absolutely toxic. And the fact that you’ve convinced yourself that you’re so caring is what makes it really
worrying.

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 22:33

AnnieLummox · Yesterday 22:20

It’s most definitely not YOUR place.

I’ve met some vile people on here over the years, but you are the worst. Absolutely toxic. And the fact that you’ve convinced yourself that you’re so caring is what makes it really
worrying.

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All right all right, calm down. I don't want to be responsible for your blood pressure. Have a nice bath or something.

ThePieceHall · Yesterday 23:09

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 21:25

If you would be totally OK with being put into the care system at 14 even though you had an aunt with room for you, then all well and good.

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A room is simply not good enough. This is not what traumatised teens who have experienced severe family dysfunction need. They need more. You keep harping on about the aunt ‘having room’. If the aunt does not have the will or the desire to help, then the teen is not living in a nurturing environment. Even the government and all the fostering agencies have stopped advertising along the lines that ‘all you need is a spare room’. No, it’s simply not enough. People here have told you, in very respectful and considered ways, how hard it is to re-parent children and young people who have experienced severe family dysfunction, abuse and trauma. You just don’t want to listen. Like you are a matriarchal character from Eastenders because ‘family’. Families in the UK are why babies and children are removed and placed into care. The thresholds are eye wateringly high for children to be legally severed from their families or origin. Also, the whole ‘because family’ trope is insulting to all the adopters, kinship carers and foster carers who do step up to care for and nurture society’s most vulnerable children. Because family often just doesn’t cut it. Because often because family can be the problem.

Popiscle · Yesterday 23:36

AnnieLummox · Yesterday 22:20

It’s most definitely not YOUR place.

I’ve met some vile people on here over the years, but you are the worst. Absolutely toxic. And the fact that you’ve convinced yourself that you’re so caring is what makes it really
worrying.

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I don't know about the worst but clearly they aren't aware of the big picture. Those of us who are properly trained know it's not as simple.

Popiscle · Yesterday 23:41

ThePieceHall · Yesterday 23:09

A room is simply not good enough. This is not what traumatised teens who have experienced severe family dysfunction need. They need more. You keep harping on about the aunt ‘having room’. If the aunt does not have the will or the desire to help, then the teen is not living in a nurturing environment. Even the government and all the fostering agencies have stopped advertising along the lines that ‘all you need is a spare room’. No, it’s simply not enough. People here have told you, in very respectful and considered ways, how hard it is to re-parent children and young people who have experienced severe family dysfunction, abuse and trauma. You just don’t want to listen. Like you are a matriarchal character from Eastenders because ‘family’. Families in the UK are why babies and children are removed and placed into care. The thresholds are eye wateringly high for children to be legally severed from their families or origin. Also, the whole ‘because family’ trope is insulting to all the adopters, kinship carers and foster carers who do step up to care for and nurture society’s most vulnerable children. Because family often just doesn’t cut it. Because often because family can be the problem.

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So true.

If I had a niece and a spare room I'd be willing to consider it but I might not be the best placed to provide what is needed in other ways, due to other demands already on me. We could give it a go, but the if the issues and needs are complex, it might not be in the niece's best interests without significant external support (like other family members being able to take niece to appointments and the like).

I often feel like the carer is not considered as a whole person with their own needs and challenges by agencies looking for support for their clients. They are meant to be super human and the cost to their own health isn't always considered. You definitely need to be able to advocate for yourself as a carer. Carers have some of the worst outcomes in terms of health and well being.

ForCosyLion · Today 00:19

ThePieceHall · Yesterday 23:09

A room is simply not good enough. This is not what traumatised teens who have experienced severe family dysfunction need. They need more. You keep harping on about the aunt ‘having room’. If the aunt does not have the will or the desire to help, then the teen is not living in a nurturing environment. Even the government and all the fostering agencies have stopped advertising along the lines that ‘all you need is a spare room’. No, it’s simply not enough. People here have told you, in very respectful and considered ways, how hard it is to re-parent children and young people who have experienced severe family dysfunction, abuse and trauma. You just don’t want to listen. Like you are a matriarchal character from Eastenders because ‘family’. Families in the UK are why babies and children are removed and placed into care. The thresholds are eye wateringly high for children to be legally severed from their families or origin. Also, the whole ‘because family’ trope is insulting to all the adopters, kinship carers and foster carers who do step up to care for and nurture society’s most vulnerable children. Because family often just doesn’t cut it. Because often because family can be the problem.

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PP have made up that this teen is traumatised and has lots of problems which are bad enough to be very difficult to handle. Everyone is ignoring the fact that the OP has said nothing of the sort and that the teen is well-behaved. I am going on what the OP's post says, not extrapolating.

ForeverTheOptomist · Today 00:37

ForCosyLion · 28/04/2026 21:22

Entirely agree.

There are some stone-cold hearts on this thread. God help us all, indeed. It's actually a great peep into what society has become. Everyone out for themselves.

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The words 'basic' and 'humanity' come to play.

ForCosyLion · Today 00:45

A PP said they find my views of the care system to be insulting because of the good carers working in it. Of course there are some good ones, but how do you ensure that your niece goes to one of those? The care system as a whole is noted for its bad outcomes overall. That is reality. A few good carers is not enough to stop the abuses and horrors of the system.

Then, you have to consider that in care, the 14-year-old niece will be exposed to peers who may well be severely more troubled than she is. Peer influences are important at that age, and the last thing she needs is to be around people with more issues than her - especially as their influence will be larger in the absence of caring family.

And on top of that, the niece is currently with family, but will be turfed out into the care system. I can't imagine what that will do to her.

Anyway, the sister is counting the days until the niece is gone, so let's all hope for the best for her. Hopefully she'll get put with a good foster family, and she is 14 not 6, so hopefully will be able to advocate for herself if anything untoward happens to her.

Poor thing, though. Some young people have it so hard, while others are adored and spoiled. I don't think I'm ever going to get over the unfairness of life. 😡

ForCosyLion · Today 00:49

Popiscle · Yesterday 23:41

So true.

If I had a niece and a spare room I'd be willing to consider it but I might not be the best placed to provide what is needed in other ways, due to other demands already on me. We could give it a go, but the if the issues and needs are complex, it might not be in the niece's best interests without significant external support (like other family members being able to take niece to appointments and the like).

I often feel like the carer is not considered as a whole person with their own needs and challenges by agencies looking for support for their clients. They are meant to be super human and the cost to their own health isn't always considered. You definitely need to be able to advocate for yourself as a carer. Carers have some of the worst outcomes in terms of health and well being.

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Well, I'm going on what the OP said. If the niece had significant trauma and is smashing up her room etc. then the aunt might have a point, but that is not what OP said. Her post does not indicate that the aunt has to be a "carer". The niece is not unwell or disabled, as far as we know. Poor kid probably just needs a safe space away from the care system, meals, and some moral support and love. PP are determined to make out like the niece is some massive problem, but that is not what the post says. The post says that the niece is well-behaved.

If there's a bigger backstory, I'd love to hear it, but OP has not been back.

ForCosyLion · Today 00:52

ThePieceHall · Yesterday 23:09

A room is simply not good enough. This is not what traumatised teens who have experienced severe family dysfunction need. They need more. You keep harping on about the aunt ‘having room’. If the aunt does not have the will or the desire to help, then the teen is not living in a nurturing environment. Even the government and all the fostering agencies have stopped advertising along the lines that ‘all you need is a spare room’. No, it’s simply not enough. People here have told you, in very respectful and considered ways, how hard it is to re-parent children and young people who have experienced severe family dysfunction, abuse and trauma. You just don’t want to listen. Like you are a matriarchal character from Eastenders because ‘family’. Families in the UK are why babies and children are removed and placed into care. The thresholds are eye wateringly high for children to be legally severed from their families or origin. Also, the whole ‘because family’ trope is insulting to all the adopters, kinship carers and foster carers who do step up to care for and nurture society’s most vulnerable children. Because family often just doesn’t cut it. Because often because family can be the problem.

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I said room, not a room. Of course the teen needs more than a room.

Although, your own room away from troubled peers would surely be a boon compared to being in care.

ThatZippyAquaHedgehog · Today 04:50

ForCosyLion · Today 00:49

Well, I'm going on what the OP said. If the niece had significant trauma and is smashing up her room etc. then the aunt might have a point, but that is not what OP said. Her post does not indicate that the aunt has to be a "carer". The niece is not unwell or disabled, as far as we know. Poor kid probably just needs a safe space away from the care system, meals, and some moral support and love. PP are determined to make out like the niece is some massive problem, but that is not what the post says. The post says that the niece is well-behaved.

If there's a bigger backstory, I'd love to hear it, but OP has not been back.

Edited

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I've read your posts and don't even think you work in the care system. I hope not anyway. You seem uninformed. Not possible to not have trauma with her background. Being well behaved can be a symptom. Most kids with trauma don't smash up rooms. It might not manifest for years but she'll have trauma. Likely attachment issues. Poor lass.

ForCosyLion · Today 05:55

ThatZippyAquaHedgehog · Today 04:50

I've read your posts and don't even think you work in the care system. I hope not anyway. You seem uninformed. Not possible to not have trauma with her background. Being well behaved can be a symptom. Most kids with trauma don't smash up rooms. It might not manifest for years but she'll have trauma. Likely attachment issues. Poor lass.

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Eh? I don't work in the care system and have never claimed any such thing.