AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

Heartily agree. I wish my own charming aunts had felt the same way. They're all pathetic - some of the most incapable, selfish people on the planet.

At the risk of being absolutely hammered on here I’m still going to ask….to the posters who see the OPs sister as at fault of “wicked” of “sick”, are you saying that she is responsible for the niece purely by virtue of sharing a small amount of DNA? I am completely ignorant of the UKs care system and am happy to believe you that it’s horrific but surely you’d want to protect all children from it? I don’t see the relevance in the blood relationship. If you’re not all actively trying to become foster parents for disenfranchised children, why not? Do you have good reasons of your own?

No, not a wind up at all. Why would taking on a child when you don’t want one be okay??

It’s almost like the topic of child abandonment, cruelty and abuse is triggering and upsetting for some people isn’t it? Gosh how dramatic they are! They should learn to travel a bit and chill out.

The above portrayals of the abuse that is so commonly perpetrated against girls in the system. I meant to quote a PP but clearly the quote didn't appear on my post.

Ah yes, I see what you mean.

It's passive wickedness. They may not be committing evil acts themselves, but they are quite happy to do nothing to stop others experiencing wicked acts. These are probably the same cast of character as those who dobbed their neighbours in to the Gestapo to save their own necks. Me, me, me, me, me, that's ALL that counts.

Rather that declaring everyone to be psychopaths, you might want to consider that your relationships with your nieces and nephews might be a little different compared to someone who has a sibling with by the sounds of it, a long and complicated history of abuse/neglect/involvement with social services.

Its great that you have a closeness and feel hugely protective to your own extended family. That isnt always the case in families where there is dysfunction, because of the impact of the abusive/neglectful parents behaviour on the wider family relationships over many years before it gets to this point.

I do understand. You have absolutely no idea of my experience of care, poor parenting, abuse or anything else.

No one is saying they think she should be in the care system, or that the system is nice in any way.

We’re saying it’s not this aunt’s fault or ultimately her responsibility. It would be great if she felt she could. She doesn’t.

I like to think I’d take a nephew or niece in but no one can truly say what they’d do in someone else’s circumstances. None of us know the ins and outs of this family or their past or their relationships.

Does the father of the child/teenager have parents or siblings that could have teenager?
I think guilt would make me take her, but the anger really should go the teenagers actual parents!
My own auntie took her granddaughter to stop her going into care. My cousin did finally step up when her child was a teenager ( better late than never).
This was after her daughter my cousin had already given a baby up for adoption! My auntie is in her 80’s now and her daughter is on the record where the child can find when an adult.
The child given for adoption has never been in touch or found! But my auntie admitted that she begged her not to give her up, but her begging did work the second time!

I agree with this. It is not your sisters responsibility and why should she have to raise someone else's child if she doesnt want to? It would be lovely if she did help. And its great that you're helping. But its very selfless and a huge sacrifice that a lot of people wouldn't want to make.

Your niece does have somewhere else to go - your home. Although she may not want to share with her sister, she might just have to. So it isnt just a case of, its your sisters home or care.

Her mum is the only one in the wrong here.

Wouldn’t you get money to foster? Couldn’t this rent or buy a larger house long term?

I said nothing about holidays.

Everyone knows the care system is horrific. Unless we’re all doing our bit and fostering vulnerable kids maybe we should wind some necks in a bit?

As a previous poster said if you feel THAT strongly, you would surely already be fostering?

Cos neglect/abuse is as awful for any kid as it is for your blood relation, surely?

ForCosyLion obviously has a tremendous amount of skin in this game and can’t be objective…

OP I think you’ve obviously done so much already for your family. I think if you can fit both in the same room or do a divider and you’re willing to, that would be incredible.

But if your sister doesn’t want another child, she doesn’t want another child.

it doesn’t matter if it’s for finance, space, holidays, selfishness or any other reason. It’s not going to happen. So you need to find a solution, or accept the situation. It’s extremely sad.. but it is what’s happening.

From firsthand experience, I'd say there's a really considerable difference between "not nice" and what can happen. I did find that "I'm sure it wasn't a very nice experience" was a common turn of phrase used by adults seeking to cover it up.

I have always found it fascinating how in any crime procedural you care to name, the Great Big Shocking Discovery is usually some kind of institutional child abuse and they all spring into action. In real life you tend to find that people don't really care and don't really see why they should do anything about it.

The reasons are irrelevant. Taking on other people’s kids, related or not is massive.

Quite literally life changing. It’s awfully easy to call people psychopaths and wicked and ‘Cruella’. Come back when you’ve changed your life and finances and housing to take on a child in need.

At 14its an incredibly simplistic view to say they just need shelter and food. There will be a whole lot more to navigate through the teen years.

Wow you are a lot.

You should probably step away from the thread. Obviously something is distressing for you here… but you don’t need to be so angry in your responses to people. They’re just strangers on the internet…

Actually, I have no skin in the game, I just can't abide cruel, selfish, self-centred, ice-cold, disgusting adults who would see a female teenage niece subjected to the care system.

I wonder how all these "I'm all right, Jack" types would feel if something happened to them, and their precious young teens were thrown into the care system by their brothers and sisters. How would you like that, hmm? Would you be OK with your sibling protecting their peace and being entitled to their own lives while your child struggled in a series of foster homes? Would that be OK with you, because travel? 🤮🤮🤮🤮

You mean like the birth parents of the 14 year old?

I think the PP is understandably upset by what is, in theory, pretty much the most shocking and disturbing thing imaginable - systemic abuse of, and sexual predation upon, the most vulnerable girls and young women. In practice I find that bystanders tend to underreact and guard their own interests.

Oh well, yes. I quite see your point. Let her be assaulted in the care system, then. Excellent alternative. 🙄