Page 4 | AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

Sharktale2020 · 2026-04-27T19:30:10+00:00

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be. Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back. She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her. The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s) When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses. She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through) I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses. I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded) While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer. She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children. My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth. We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help. The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman! Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life. She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care. How can someone have such a cold heart? And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!! No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools. The poor girl is going through enough.

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 22:56

plsdontlookatme · 27/04/2026 22:55

I was "in the system" through no fault of my own as a teenager and can confirm the above. Housing a well-behaved 14yo is very different to agreeing to raise small or challenging children and when you consider what is at stake, it's almost a no-brainer. There really is something phenomenally sheltered and ignorant about most people who have never been in the system.

The thing about adults who allow children to be put into the system and abused is that somehow nothing is ever their fault and they were in a "really difficult position", which does usually look exactly like "but I want to go on holiday six times a year without a second thought".

You sound fab OP, and I really think that if your sister isn't willing to house/look after your niece she should find a way to financially support your taking her. But I suppose if your sister wanted to, she would have offered already. If worst comes to worst and your DN enters the system, she will be lucky to have a caring aunt (you) looking out for her and fighting her corner.

What do you mean, you can confirm the above? Which above?

Mayflower282 · 27/04/2026 22:58

I’m a bit confused - where’s the girls mother?

DisappointedofMeryton · 27/04/2026 22:59

How did your sister walk out on her 2 x DDs ten years ago if the younger one is only 6?

There are 8 siblings. The 14 year old doesn't know the 6 year old. There is likely another sister, who was a full/resident sister to the 14 year old, and those were the 2 sisters left 10 years ago. The other sister may well be older than the 14 year old. The 6 year old is likely to have been born subsequently from a different father, and handed over to OP as a baby.

plsdontlookatme · 27/04/2026 22:59

This is exactly why I think everyone who was an adult when I was an abused and institutionalised teenager can absolutely fuck themselves. Never, ever underestimate what people will carefully turn a blind eye to so that they never have to stick their own neck out or forgo one of their precious bloody holidays.

Happyjoe · 27/04/2026 23:00

It's very very hard on the child it really is. Sadly though you cannot force someone to become their guardian.

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 23:00

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plsdontlookatme · 27/04/2026 23:01

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 22:33

Um, the OP describes the teen in question as "well-behaved." So your musings about how much trouble she'll be are completely unfounded, which you would know if you'd read the OP.

Choice 1: Have your well-behaved teenage niece live with you for a mere four years until she's an adult.
Choice 2: Put her into the care system where the chances of her being physically, sexually, verbally, and emotionally abused skyrocket.

And you don't see anything wrong with that? REALLY? You would subject your niece to the care system in order to "protect your peace"? You think that OP's precious fucking peace is worth making a teenage girl so vulnerable?

"Oh, yeah, I let my teenage niece go into the care system where she was raped, but I was protecting my peace." 😡😡😡😡😡😡

God, why are human beings so wicked.

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In my experience adults who allow teenagers to be institutionalised, abused, and raped always find a way to make themselves out as the real victims.

plsdontlookatme · 27/04/2026 23:02

I have lots of aunts who looked the other way whilst I was put into the system and sadistically abused. They can all fuck themselves - they are worth nothing at all to me.

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 23:03

plsdontlookatme · 27/04/2026 22:59

This is exactly why I think everyone who was an adult when I was an abused and institutionalised teenager can absolutely fuck themselves. Never, ever underestimate what people will carefully turn a blind eye to so that they never have to stick their own neck out or forgo one of their precious bloody holidays.

One thousand percent agree. They can all go and fuck themselves, as can all the people here who agree with the aunt exposing her niece to violence and rape because it's just too inconvenient to give her well-behaved, vulnerable teenage relative food and shelter for four years. I don't think I've ever been so sickened by a thread, and that's saying something.

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/04/2026 23:03

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:34

Bloody hell, the niece is 14, not a toddler, and just needs a roof over her head and meals and some support for the next four years. I cannot believe your sister. To toss your teenage niece into care, where there's a high chance she'll be abused, just because she doesn't want her to live with her for a mere four years, is absolutely wicked. I have no idea how anyone can be so callous. It's not like she has 18 years of growing to do, or needs her nappy changing or can't be left alone or needs bottle-feeding. Jesus fucking Christ.

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Caring for a traumatised teen is much, more more than a roof over her head and a hot meal. My DD is 14, and has a trauma history - parenting her is a full time job, emotionally demanding and exhausting at times. I love the bones of her, she’s a fabulous young person but needs a lot of support. It’s ok for someone to decide they can’t do it.

Birdsongisangry · 27/04/2026 23:04

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 22:55

Why do you have to change your whole lifestyle to have a well-behaved fourteen-year-old living with you? Maybe some things would have to change, but she's hardly a toddler, and it's only four years. The poor lamb just needs a safe place away from the horrors of the care system until she's old enough to go away to uni or out to work full-time. Four years out of this selfish cow's entire life. I hope her precious lifestyle bites her in the arse.

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It wouldn't be for 'just four years' though would it? How many children do you know who leave home on their 18th birthday without a backwards glance and no need for further support? And especially young people who have presumably been through something traumatic.

Op I can understand your protectiveness and anger, though as others have said I think the anger is misdirected. For someone who has never had children and never had the 24hr responsibility of parenting, taking on a teenager, even a well behaved one, is a massive mental shift and it isn't something everyone can do. Its better for your sister to be honest than for her to stay there with someone who feels resentful about the situation. Your sister can still play an important role in supporting your niece without having the full time, permanent responsibility of looking after her.

Florally · 27/04/2026 23:04

Helpboat · 27/04/2026 20:55

You will have to take her. Both of your sisters are utterly selfish.

It’s not utterly selfish to not want to take a child who is not yours. It’s hard, it’s horrible to imagine, but you don’t know the circumstances.

I have children of my own, but we have a life where we can afford to let them have a good one and our house is full. If we were asked to take in another child, I would hope there was an alternative. That’s not selfish.

lulubalu · 27/04/2026 23:04

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 22:46

Excuses, excuses. If your marriage would be over because you'd given four years over to save a young female relative from the abuses of the care system, then it's a horrible marriage to a horrible person and you're best off out of it. As for being homeless, come off it. She could sleep on the sofa and it would still be a million times better than going into the care system, where abuse is high and where no one would give a stuff about her.

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Judging from how many posts you've replied to you sound like you have a lot of skin in the game so I maybe understand your strong reaction. My post was (fortunately) hypothetical as it never came to that, but you definitely have come on too strong to say I'm married to a horrible person who'd I'd be better off without, there's really no need to be quite so antagonistic.

bridgetreilly · 27/04/2026 23:04

I think its unkind to say that your sister just wants to keep going on holidays and such. Taking on a teenager as a childless person is a huge and terrifying commitment. Not everyone could do it. And while I would want to keep her out of care, it isn’t always possible.

The poor kid clearly has been dealt a shitty hand, but that is down to her parents.

Clonakilla · 27/04/2026 23:04

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 21:34

Bloody hell, the niece is 14, not a toddler, and just needs a roof over her head and meals and some support for the next four years. I cannot believe your sister. To toss your teenage niece into care, where there's a high chance she'll be abused, just because she doesn't want her to live with her for a mere four years, is absolutely wicked. I have no idea how anyone can be so callous. It's not like she has 18 years of growing to do, or needs her nappy changing or can't be left alone or needs bottle-feeding. Jesus fucking Christ.

Edited

This is true for all kids in foster care. It’s great to hear you’re ready to start fostering! It would be absolutely wicked to let any child suffer this, obviously, so do let us know how your first interview with SS goes.

OP ppl like this are talking out of their arse. It’s very easy to do the right thing in one’s imagination only. I’ve been both a carer and a foster carer and think the only right thing to do is to be honest about whether you can do either. There is zero point pretending or being pressured. Both of those pathways only make a difficult situation worse. If your sister doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to and she’s right to say so.

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 23:05

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/04/2026 23:03

Caring for a traumatised teen is much, more more than a roof over her head and a hot meal. My DD is 14, and has a trauma history - parenting her is a full time job, emotionally demanding and exhausting at times. I love the bones of her, she’s a fabulous young person but needs a lot of support. It’s ok for someone to decide they can’t do it.

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READ THE OP. The teen is described as "well-behaved."

plsdontlookatme · 27/04/2026 23:05

bridgetreilly · 27/04/2026 23:04

I think its unkind to say that your sister just wants to keep going on holidays and such. Taking on a teenager as a childless person is a huge and terrifying commitment. Not everyone could do it. And while I would want to keep her out of care, it isn’t always possible.

The poor kid clearly has been dealt a shitty hand, but that is down to her parents.

It sounds like sister lives with a partner and two adult children (four drivers in the house)

Florally · 27/04/2026 23:06

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/04/2026 23:03

Caring for a traumatised teen is much, more more than a roof over her head and a hot meal. My DD is 14, and has a trauma history - parenting her is a full time job, emotionally demanding and exhausting at times. I love the bones of her, she’s a fabulous young person but needs a lot of support. It’s ok for someone to decide they can’t do it.

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My biological DD who is by reports ‘excellent, respectful and a joy’ is also sometimes a lot of work! Kids age 14 don’t just sit and robotically live, especially ones with bigger concerns.

OttilieKnackered · 27/04/2026 23:06

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 22:33

Um, the OP describes the teen in question as "well-behaved." So your musings about how much trouble she'll be are completely unfounded, which you would know if you'd read the OP.

Choice 1: Have your well-behaved teenage niece live with you for a mere four years until she's an adult.
Choice 2: Put her into the care system where the chances of her being physically, sexually, verbally, and emotionally abused skyrocket.

And you don't see anything wrong with that? REALLY? You would subject your niece to the care system in order to "protect your peace"? You think that OP's precious fucking peace is worth making a teenage girl so vulnerable?

"Oh, yeah, I let my teenage niece go into the care system where she was raped, but I was protecting my peace." 😡😡😡😡😡😡

God, why are human beings so wicked.

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Why are you being so incredibly rude and dramatic? I read the OP fine. The OP said well behaved. She’s never lived with her. The OP has a lot of skin in the game.

The number of children from abusive/neglectful homes with no issues is tiny. She doesn’t have to be smashing up cars or beating up old ladies to have a huge impact on the family she moves in with.

How many vulnerable young women are you housing since you feel so strongly about it that you’re spitting abuse at a load of strangers on the internet?

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 23:07

Clonakilla · 27/04/2026 23:04

This is true for all kids in foster care. It’s great to hear you’re ready to start fostering! It would be absolutely wicked to let any child suffer this, obviously, so do let us know how your first interview with SS goes.

OP ppl like this are talking out of their arse. It’s very easy to do the right thing in one’s imagination only. I’ve been both a carer and a foster carer and think the only right thing to do is to be honest about whether you can do either. There is zero point pretending or being pressured. Both of those pathways only make a difficult situation worse. If your sister doesn’t want to, she doesn’t want to and she’s right to say so.

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I don't live in the UK, or I would take her.

My point is, the girl is Cruella's NIECE! I have two nieces and I would walk over hot coals and move mountains to avoid them going into the care system. It's one thing not to be a foster carer to all and sundry, but this girl is her OWN NIECE!

plsdontlookatme · 27/04/2026 23:07

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 23:05

READ THE OP. The teen is described as "well-behaved."

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This - people are always dying to defend adult perpetrators/enablers by conjecturing that the abused child in question must have been really difficult or somehow been the architect of their own misfortune. It simply isn't the case. Lots of abusers actually hone in on well-behaved children and teenagers because they're easy to scare into silence and submission.

Florally · 27/04/2026 23:08

It’s also okay to say holidays are a driver.

if your childless sister has chosen her life, she’s chosen her life. Travel is such a priority for so many people and I can imagine having a child foisted upon her would ruin that…

And that’s okay. It’s her choice and that is absolutely an amazing life to live. Travel is everything.

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 23:09

OttilieKnackered · 27/04/2026 23:06

Why are you being so incredibly rude and dramatic? I read the OP fine. The OP said well behaved. She’s never lived with her. The OP has a lot of skin in the game.

The number of children from abusive/neglectful homes with no issues is tiny. She doesn’t have to be smashing up cars or beating up old ladies to have a huge impact on the family she moves in with.

How many vulnerable young women are you housing since you feel so strongly about it that you’re spitting abuse at a load of strangers on the internet?

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My nieces aren't in danger of going into care, but if they were, I would rescue them. This isn't about fostering all and sundry, this is about exposing YOUR OWN TEENAGE NIECE to the high levels of violence and rape in the care system.

I'm sorry, but anyone who exposes their own niece to such dangers is a psychopath.

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/04/2026 23:09

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 23:05

READ THE OP. The teen is described as "well-behaved."

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Behaviour is only part of it. My DD is well behaved, she also needs a lot of support due to the impact of trauma in her life. Teenage years are particularly hard for young people removed from birth parents and the OP and her sister need to be aware of those needs regardless of whether the child does her homework or keeps her room tidy.

plsdontlookatme · 27/04/2026 23:09

OttilieKnackered · 27/04/2026 23:06

Why are you being so incredibly rude and dramatic? I read the OP fine. The OP said well behaved. She’s never lived with her. The OP has a lot of skin in the game.

The number of children from abusive/neglectful homes with no issues is tiny. She doesn’t have to be smashing up cars or beating up old ladies to have a huge impact on the family she moves in with.

How many vulnerable young women are you housing since you feel so strongly about it that you’re spitting abuse at a load of strangers on the internet?

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I think if you don't understand how high the stakes are, you don't understand - PP isn't mincing her words, but is certainly not being dramatic. The things that happen to teenage girls in the system are worse than the worst things you can imagine if you haven't been in that position yourself..