AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

Text and point this out to her. See how quickly she gets back to you! Maybe you can throw in some other things she does badly compared to you.

What you didn't have, though, was the expectation that we should all be available 24/7 due to smart phones. You probably phoned your mum to a fixed schedule, and weren't expected to drop everything during the day to chat. You do not own your daughter's life or time.

Also, she probably doesn't reply at 9pm because that's when you go to bed. She will reply then because she will have got the kids down and it will probably be the first chance she's had all day to take breath.

Instead of thinking about yourself, and thinking about why she isn't making you her priority, why not offer your help and see what you can do for her?

Messages are like letters-they sit on the table until the recipient feels ready to sit down and write a reply.

Wow! She has two tiny ones - a baby and a toddler (who might as well be a baby for the amount of work they are).

You really expect instant replies at your beck and call from someone in this situation? She’s busy with her kids and rightly prioritising them.

It’s actually really inconsiderate to be forever messaging someone with small kids and expecting their attention (NB - I do not have small kids)

Then you say “9 pm is my bedtime” - as though oblivious to the fact that is likely to be the first time she’s got to sat down / a moment’s peace in the day. And she’s using it to reply to you! Why is your schedule and “bedtime” more important than hers? If you want to interact with her, stay up a bit later!

You say you managed your time - it’s unlikely everyone had a mobile phone at that point unless you were an extremely young Mum. And she is managing her time - she’s leaving non urgent messages til the kids are in bed.

It’s not healthy to feel you need to reply to messages straight away - it’s one of the problems with modern society- this instant access to people’s time thing.

Well done to her for holding her boundaries!

But you absolutely wouldn’t have been managing it with a mobile phone and expectations you replied instantly.

Are you trying to have a text conversation or just asking if she needs XYZ from the shop?

I had my daughter before the reliance on mobile phones and expectations of texting. I didn’t have time to do a basic manicure, having a very active child (diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 30). I still don’t reply immediately, Mobiles are good for certain things but don’t expect everyone to view them as a priority when they’re busy with young children 🤷‍♀️

She replies at that time because it’s likely when the kids are asleep and she finally has time. Unless it’s an emergency waiting a day for a mum to babies to reply is no great hardship. I don’t reply to everyone quickly because I’m not their servant who is always on tap - I am not always available to the world and I don’t wish to be. I will reply when convenient as letters used to allow for.

Alternatively, maybe what you text her is really boring.

Well yeah, I mean I usually know where mine is, but I am not always 2 feet away from it. It's in the bedroom now. Sometimes I leave it in the car and don't realise it's there for 4-5 hours. One of my DC or a friend has messaged me 4 hours ago. I say 'ooh sorry for the delay in replying,' but they're like 'didn't realise it had been a while LOL.' To them, it's like they messaged an hour ago because they're busy.

There's obviously more to this and your relationship....you sound very judgemental of her when you say you managed your time, implying she doesn't.

Maybe it’s a reverse. In which case it’s the daughter and she’ll update at 9pm when she’s not busy…

But yeah, if it isn’t a reverse I thought exactly the same as you. Suspect the thread didn’t go the way they expected.

if her mother said can you text me ove got a million quid for you or a new car, do you think she would delay.
There's your answer to being busy.
Not too busy when and if it suits

I’m the mother of a baby. It is extremely consuming. And I do not want to expose my baby to digital screens or the phone. You are expecting your daughter to put your needs in front of her daughters right now by constantly checking her phone and making sure she replies. Maybe she wants to actually be present with her children? Have you seen how addictive screens are for them? A lot of parents are making the choice not to expose them to them and to ensure they are emotionally present and not stuck to their phones all day. A lot of kids have been fucked up by parents because of this.

I bet you didn't have you your phoning pinging constantly though. I've had 11 texts/whatsapps this morning, nothing urgent just friends/family chat, but as i've been in a field dog training for most of that time answering wasn't possible. Then when i get a break to catch up it means i'm not doing something else - i'm now having a coffee and replying but not putting the washing out. As mine are all at school i'm not also trying to wrangle babies/toddlers.

Kindly, i think you're underestimating just how supposedly brief/quick texts can add up and become a little overwhelming.

So let’s play this through.

You text when she’s elbow deep in a nappy change - you’re expecting her to leave her baby dirty and naked to spend 90 seconds replying to you? Then she finishes the nappy change and the other child is crying - she should withhold comfort from that child until you’ve had your reply?

Let’s say she gets a minutes peace in the day when both of the children are quiet and occupied - you think this time should be prioritised on you and not on her making herself a cup of tea and having a moment of calm to herself?

There’s no way if you have children who are old enough to have children that there was any requirement on you to “manage your time” to immediately reply to text messages from your parent. That just wasn’t a thing 25 years ago.

And why are you going to bed so early when you know it’s the best window to speak to your daughter. Surely you should be staying up later when she replies so you can have the conversations you want to have. It’s entirely reasonable that 9pm is the slot when she gets chance to catch up on the day and her adult relationships, it’s very selfish of you - not a mother of small children - to not be able to manage your time so that this slot is free in case your daughter needs it.

I’m a pretty selfish person (my sister fondly calls out my narcissistic traits) but even I don’t expect anyone to drop what they’re doing to respond to me texts at my every whim.

And the sort of texts that you can reply to quickly are the unimportant “what are you doing” type texts, and so are reasonable to ignore as their only purpose is to start a longer conversation that she probably doesn’t have time for right then. Anything more important that involves logistics, advice, support requires more brain power and isn’t a quick instantaneous reply, and therefore still has to wait until she has time unless it’s an urgent or emergency matter.

Parents, or rather Mothers today are criticised for their phone use around their children. I'd rather my DD didn't interrupt a conversation, game, bedtime with my grandchildren to reply to me. I had three children and I wasn't constantly contactable, as our generation wasn't. Her children's time is done at 9, so she replies. Do you have to go to bed at 9? That's very early, unless you are up at 5, have COPD etc. We shouldn't be showing this next generation that everything stops to answer our phones. If something is urgent, phone her, she can put you on loudspeaker and carry on sorting the washing etc. Did you interrupt your evenings to chat to people? This is why parents are now extra stressed everyone wants a piece of them 24/7. You don't seem to respect her as an adult and parent, which could be why she is dismissive.

You weren’t having to reply to texts from your mother the instant they were received though!

Well my mum text me 3 hours ago asking if she should treat us to a boat excursion on our next holiday.

I’ve only just replied because I AM BUSY. I’m not busy unless someone is offering me money. I would’ve dropped what I was doing if it was a text saying she needed driving to hospital, but given it’s a text about something nice she wants to do for me, I assume she doesn’t want to ruin it by creating stress that I need to deal with the offer immediately. I need to think about it, look at the itinerary, make sure she knows how grateful I am for the offer - which i can’t do in the 30 seconds I have between work calls.

it might only take a second to reply but it will take longer than that to think about what the reply is. it also only takes a second fir your grandchild to have an accident or mishap if her attention is on her phone.

you are being very entitled! Did you have a mobile phone when your daughters were children?

Your comment about managing your time also sounds incredibly judgmental. If that's what the rest of your communication with your daughter is like, perhaps, she does not want to respond for that reason alone. @Catza

Well said.

it will take longer than that to think about what the reply is.
Especially when her mother seems so very self-centred.

@GoldenGran your username says it all. To be a good grandparent you need to also consider your daughter’s needs

So you're texting her at a time that's convenient to you - regardless of whether it's a convenient time for her.

But you're unhappy that she texts you at a time that's convenient to her.

Do you see the issue?

Your daughter has two young children and is clearly very busy. You very obviously are not.

Ive had a few people in my life that would take days to reply back.

Always the same response I've been busy.
I gave up in the end and drifted away, funny though they can soon ring if they wanted something.

I now only have in my phone them that make the same effort as me.