AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

[GoldenGran]

My Daughter and her fella have two kids. Nearly 3 and 6 months.

I will text her or she’ll text me sometimes it’ll take nearly a day for her to get back to me.

I know she’s busy with the children but a reply literally takes seconds. She can be dismissive towards me. She knows my bedtime is 9 and she often replies around that time. I think it’s because she knows I’m going to bed.

She is quick enough to phone when she wants something!

My husband doesn’t get why I’m annoyed by this! It’s rude isn’t it?

Haha my mum is lucky if I reply within a week of getting her texts. I don't answer the phone either. Like DC would say "I'm just built different". 😆 I don't want to be reachable all the time, and by the time I have some downtime I'll be reading Reddit and chilling and not responding to messages. If it's urgent then I'll reply but if not, I'll do it when I get to it.

Honestly... calm down.
My son takes days to reply sometimes. He has a pressured job, a life and crap internet in his village.
If people are harassing me to answer when I'm busy /at work/not noticed the message I'm much less likely to bother answering at all.

But did you have a parent expecting you to have the phone in your hand and reply quickly? I don’t reply quickly to texts at times because the phone is in my bag not in my hand. Good for her if she’s concentrating on her DC not her phone.

I’m actively encouraging my dd to grow up not thinking she needs to reply to messages instantly. It’s really bad for you and an unfair imposition that is usually expected of women.

My Mum sometimes complains “oh dgc1 never replies to messages!” - she does, she just takes her time, and I think that’s good.

Also enjoying the lack of the OP coming back to this thread!!

If she has time to read it, then she has time to reply. It takes a moment.

My mother is annoying like you. She texts all kinds of inane crap: what dress she saw at the shop, whether she should get this handbag or that, what she'll be cooking, etc. And expects a reply straight away. If I don't reply in an hour (approx), she'll start with a barrage of 'where are you?', 'has something happened?', 'is everything ok with you???', 'Why aren't you responding?', one after another. That pisses me off even more, so I take my sweet time to get back to her, if at all.

I explained many times that if I'm not busy, I'll respond straight away. I often do. I don't wait ages on purpose, just to annoy people. But if I'm busy, I'll respond whenever I can. If it's urgent and important - ring, don't text.

It can take several days for me to reply to my mum and vice versa. Not sure why it would stress you out. She is busy and takes less than a day to respond. It's hard to multi task with little kids. Not everyone's brain works in the same way you do.

The modern world, where everyone expects instant action to everything.

She’s busy and her phone isn’t a priority. If it’s urgent, call her.

The poor woman! You sound so judgy. You're not a priority to her right now, she has her hands very full.
I think you need some more going on in your life so this doesn't seem such a big deal to you.

Did you have someone constantly texting you?

You are being very, very unreasonable. You also sound pretty narcissistic, frankly, not to mention smug and judgmental ("I managed my time"). She has two tiny children, and the existence of mobile phones does not mean we are at the beck and call of all whom decide to contact us on them at any time. The world doesn't revolve around you.

(But frankly, I wouldn't blame her for leaving you hanging, given the fact you are clearly being extremely judgmental of her for not "managing her time" better to suit you. A little compassion for someone in the throes of early baby- and toddler-hood would not go amiss!)

It really doesn’t only take a moment. Reading takes a moment. Then you have to process what’s been said/asked, think about your response and how to word it best.

Eg let’s say mum asks “what does gd want for her birthday?” She’ll have to think about it, and consider what she’s going to buy herself/what she’s already told the other grandparents to buy etc.
or “are you free to come for lunch on Sunday?” can’t often be answered quickly- may need to check if husband is ok with it, check if there’s something else in the diary, take time to consider whether she actually wants to go, etc etc.

As has been said, delicious irony! 😆

Where ARE you @GoldenGran ???

I know you've had a hard time on here, but YABVU. Sorry if you feel got at. The harshest responses are very likely from women with school age children who have demanding mothers. Don't take it to heart.

Would you prefer her children grow up seeing their mum with her phone in hand over half the time in the day, just so she can reply faster?? Or would you prefer she is focussing on them and paying attention, and she replies to your later?

It is not as easy as 'it takes just a minute to reply'. I have a 4 year old, I find if I start replying to messages on my phone I can get sucked in, I reply, my sister replies back, I reply again, before you know it, it's been 5-10 minutes and my son is either loudly demanding my attention or has given up and gone elsewhere (to do God knows what).

I think you’re being oversensitive about this. Just because you ‘managed your time’ doesn’t mean your daughter needs to do the same. Mobile phones and expectations around replies were not the same when you were parenting babies. It’s actually really healthy to not be stuck on our phones and engaging in actual life outside the screen, I never feel offended if people don’t reply to me because I understand that they are just trying to live their life, why should they reply to me quickly, especially if it’s an ongoing non-urgent conversation. Communication doesn’t really need to work like that any more.

I have three young children and I don’t have time to reply to people when they text me whilst I’m looking after my children. My only free time is when they nap or when they go to bed, and frankly the last thing I want to do then is speak to people, that’s my time to fill my bucket back up (or clean and get things ready for when they wake up again) and feeling like there’s even more expectation placed on me to placate other people (even if it only takes a minute) significantly adds to my ‘things I need to do/are expected of me’ and over time makes me really resentful to replying to people. Talking everyday is actually quite a lot, I’m close with my mum and we only speak a few times a week still.

im sure your daughter means no offence to you- try to be mindful about the importance your placing on this in comparison to how much thought she is actually able to give to it given the amount of demands on her right now.

What’s the chances this OP’s daughter is on the stately homes thread? High.

The whole point about texting, and WhatsApp, is that you have the messages and can reply in your own time, when it suits you, and how it suits you,with a message, or with a smiley. They are wonderful!

Instant replies to someone started to look poorly when we plugged answer phones into landlines, then took a turn for the worse with texts, and are now practically terminal with all the other messenger apps TikTok’s and Instagram platforms.

😃

My sister in law can get quite snippy if I don't reply quickly, but she does the same and I don't care. Sometimes I pick up my phone to reply, end up reading an email or something else and totally forget what I picked the phone up for in the first place! But I think that is my menopause brain!

Jfc 'I managed my time'. She is managing her time by not leaping on your messages. You are not her priority, her children (and partner?) are. Just because you have nothing better to do with your time doesn't mean she doesn't. Think maybe you need to get some empathy.

In all honesty, how many text messages did your mum send you when your oldest was only three, compared with how many you send to your DD?

Given I'm guessing your mum would have been in her 40s or 50s, say 20-odd years ago when your girls were little, I'm thinking not that many. Or did your mum maybe phone or drop around instead, and actually help rather than just demand attention and then complain when she didn't get it? Might that have made the difference?

What are you messaging her about? My mum messages all the time about inane stuff. I can't constantly reply to her and honestly if I reply it then encourages more messages and I just don't have time. Maybe ease up a bit on the messaging and aim for a couple of calls a week where you actually have a proper conversation
Also 9pm is a v early bedtime and a normal time for others to be winding down and catching up on messages

I'm not asking for an immediate reply but not to hear back for more than a couple of days is just not on, imo. Asking how they are (as they both have medical conditions) is perfectly appropriate to begin a conversation. If you can't see that I can't help you.

I don't mind people not answering my messages straight away. I get that because I'm the same. What bugs me is when I can see on WhatsApp that they have been online several times since I sent the message and they still haven't read it yet. Have the decency to read my message before deciding to ignore it!!! 😂