AIBU to refuse to let relatives take my children’s Easter eggs to donate to a food bank?

[ConnectionsAndWordle]

We had relatives visiting yesterday who saw our children’s Easter eggs and throughout the day kept commenting that they have too many. I said they’ll eat them eventually so not to worry. They do have a lot, but they are all aged 15+ so perfectly capable of deciding what they want to eat. One child opened one during the day and offered it around. They’ve been sharing them with friends and will eat them so they won’t go to waste.

As my relatives were leaving, they said they would take some of the eggs and donate them to a food bank and started putting some in a bag. I told her to stop as kids would eat them. They continued choosing which ones to take so I again told them no.

One of my children came downstairs to tell them to leave them alone as well and asked them to put them back. Relative told my child (teen) that she should think of others and not be so selfish. I told her not to call my child selfish for not wanting to give away eggs that are theirs.

Relatives husband said I was being unreasonable and selfish, like my child. My husband then came home which stopped the conversation. They left soon after, without the eggs, but clearly weren’t happy.

They have sent me a text this morning to say they were disappointed in what I said and for siding with my child and that they would like an apology as they were ‘told off’ and were ‘made to feel embarrassed.’

Would you even bother to respond? It’s completely pathetic but I don’t feel like I have anything to apologise for.

"Dear CFs, when you have apologised to the kids, you are welcome to visit. Until then, you're not welcome.
We hope you see sense soon."

Your poor friend what a piece of shit her parents were. They have a lot to answer for. Christina my arse - damn right cruelty.

I'm gobsmacked that they kept trying to load them up after you said no.

I'm really sorry that you don't automatically see how eye-wateringly, bizarrely rude that this was (because you had to ask here) - they've really done a number on you haven't they.

I feel confident in assuming that in the vast majority of families, parents behaving like this would have their children pushing them to make a GP appointment (based on the assumption that something has gone wrong in the thinking department).

I've got to say though, well done for clearly not passing on this batshittery to your own kids.

I get why you don't want to tell them to fuck off, but it would be completely reasonable to tell them they behaved poorly and are being ridiculous in expecting an apology.

Sounds like my mum, she’ll ‘decide’ something is the only way it can be done and then go on and on about it and won’t hear anything to the contrary. So she’s decided there are too many chocolate eggs and some must go to the food bank, how could anyone think of any other course of action when she has decreed this is the thing that must be done?

The worst one was when I was in very early pregnancy and she came over, I was vomiting almost continuously and very weak and she kept repeating over and over ‘you’ll have to tell your in laws you’re pregnant’ and I kept saying back to her DH will tell his parents when we’re ready (in laws have form for worrying so we wanted to wait until the vomiting stopped) and the first thing she did when she left our house was call the in laws and tell them, they were then extremely upset that their son hadn’t told them and also worried that I was so sick, so double whammy. Her excuse was she ‘didn’t hear me’ tell her to keep it to herself and anyway they ‘had to be told’. She’s a bonkers cow.

This . IRL most reasonable people don’t tell anyone to Fuck Off ,not normal behaviour!

I would tell him to fuck off

I suppose the ones who get walked over all the time, don’t anyway.

Id be telling them they should be embarrassed and that the only person owed an apology is your child because they tried to take their belongings without permission then when told no started name calling/shaming your child, very poor behaviour from an adult. How would they respond if you went into their house and started loading their belongings into a bag to donate.

I can see that they were rude which is why I told them no, told them not to call my child selfish and haven’t at any point considered apologising. There has also been a conversation in our house about how inappropriate their actions were. I posted here to see if others would bother replying and what they would say if they would. I know my mum well enough to know that she wouldn’t engage with a medical professional about her disordered eating or the way she approaches situations. We only see them a few times a year so I tend to just things go.

That's technically theft isn't it? Your mum has some very disordered ideas about food.

Yes, I thought this as well. Surely, if she thinks that all chocolate is bad, she definitely wouldn't be giving it to poor people; she would be throwing it away. In fact, for all we know - after OP's updates - maybe she said "Give to the foodbank" when she actually meant the even more outrageous "Throw them in the bin".

Yes, I thought that too. Food banks ask people in the community to GIVE; they don't want to accept - or be implicated in - stolen goods.

If they genuinely worked that way, why wouldn't they just go to the supermarket and steal it themselves, instead of asking donors to do so on their behalf?! In fact, why not cut out the middleman, close their operation down and just tell poor families to go and thieve it from the shops themselves?!

If I were in your shoes OP, I would be having a think about what things my Mum values, for example, does she have a collection of something like pretty plates, a particular type of ornament, or a passion for handbags or shoes. Then if she has say a thing for shoes, the next time I visited, I would gather up all her shoes bar one pair, and say to her, "Mum, I've gathered up ALL these shoes to take to the charity shop, as you really don't need them all, and it's really selfish of you to have 10 pairs while other people are walking around with holes in their shoes because they can't afford new ones", and then see how SHE reacts. I know you've excused her behaviour to some degree by explaining that she seems to have an eating disorder, but there really is no excuse for her taking it upon herself to give away something that belongs to your children, or anyone else, without their permission, that's really rude and unacceptable, and if there is any one who should be apologising, it should definitely be her and your Father.

Are you not familiar with the concept of having reasonable stocks of food and other products in and using them gradually?

It's a misnomer - and one that's very commonly invoked by CFs - that "But you have loads and you don't need them all!", when their intended marks are simply sorted for the next few days/weeks/months, but the CFs have their greedy eyes on helping themselves.

I buy 24 toilet rolls at a time - because the big 12-packs of the ones that we use are the best value per roll, and they usually have an offer on whereby two 12-packs bought together are even better value. It doesn't mean that we all suffer from horrendous non-stop diarrhoea, or serve them up instead of pasta or something; it simply means that we're set for bog rolls for the next couple of months or so, and they will most definitely not go to waste.

It's different if it's food that will go off quickly and can't be frozen; but Easter eggs last for months after the shops stop selling them. It's no different in principle from giving somebody a year's subscription of a magazine, cinema pass or whatever as a Christmas present; nobody is remotely suggesting that they're no use after the Christmas period is over!

DC got 4 Easter eggs this year and eats them over a few weeks but even if he got 20 I would still be saying “NO” to someone taking them away from him.
It’s the putting them in a bag that has riled me up, if the bag wasn’t going to be filled with eggs then would your Mum be filling it from your food cupboard on her way out?
We’ve got a family member who claims she gives a lot to charity but she threw a wobbly when I got her a pet charity sponsorship for Christmas as she said she had paid for her own present.
I have raised over £250 in the last year by taking clothes to Barnardos charity shop. Your Mum could do that or volunteer in a charity shop if she needs to find charity related fulfilment.

If you give money, food or other wanted donations (from your own stuff or at your own cost, naturally!) quietly and discreetly, you are indeed giving to charity.

If you make a big song and dance about doing so and tell everybody, you haven't actually given to charity at all; you've simply paid to buy yourself publicity - with what the charity does or doesn't receive being nothing more than an incidental side-effect.

I think I’d engage, and reply ‘nobody who comes into our house and thinks they can steal my children’s things is welcome in my home’

Ridiculous behaviour! I would ignore them and never invite them back.

No this is an overreach, you can't go into someone else's house and start bagging stuff up to give to charity. I would have ejected the from the house and never had them back until they apologise.
charitable feelings are fine, but you use your own resources , not other people's- that's insane.

So what? It's one day a year - and they clearly can moderate their intake as they still have chocolate to eat ...

They're not even demonstrating their 'charitable feelings', because - to their mind - chocolate is a very bad food, so they're just trying to dump what they consider as toxic waste on poor people; there's absolutely no kindness or charitable bonhomie involved here.

It's appalling of her to assume that everybody else (apart from poor families who need to use food banks, that is) must be made to live according to the strictures of her eating disorder; it's even worse of her husband, as it sounds like he doesn't have the disorder himself and is just throwing his weight around to back and indulge her.

What incredibly odd behavior. YANBU.

Yes, it's amazing how many people don't seem to get the idea of special 'high' and feast days.

The tabloids always have an article every year warning about how terrible Christmas Day is for obesity, as people should eat so many calories a day, but on CD - if they eat every single conceivable option of rich festive food and drink (which nobody actually does anyway), they will be consuming three or four times as many calories as they should in a day! Phew, how lucky that it's only one day, then - and that it's followed by 364 much more ordinary days before it comes around again!

Whether it's food or money, planning and budgeting is a basic adult skill. It's the norm to have a few days in the year when you spend/consume a very large amount, in the context of many, many days when you don't.

Sounds like my mum, she’ll ‘decide’ something is the only way it can be done and then go on and on about it and won’t hear anything to the contrary. So she’s decided there are too many chocolate eggs and some must go to the food bank, how could anyone think of any other course of action when she has decreed this is the thing that must be done?

That rings bells round my parents - not so much round food but other things - and older I get more I realise it's just the tip of off things.

Well done OP for standing up to them and for raising teens who also feel able to do so.