AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

Interesting to read so many assumptions that the home life is chaotic and the children are badly behaved but apparently none of this is their father's and husband's responsibility.

First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening

When I read this I was sympathetic assuming they were young children, say 3yo and 5yo but then looked back and saw 8/10/13yo. Providing no SN (and then if so, you just don’t attempted the restaurant if they are tired or having a bad day and yes, we had this), then this is ridiculous. Why on earth would you put up with children this age mucking around at a restaurant. Do they act like this otherwise?

You already are airing your dirty laundry. If you leave out important details - for example why your DC are chaos - it’s inevitable that PPs (the ones you’re asking for input from) will ask or fill in the gaps. Your DC having additional needs is very different from naughty children you have failed to teach how to behave in a restaurant.

Either way, it’s likely your DH would have had a hand in their parenting and it’s unfair to leave this chaotic life to you.

Name changed.
About three years ago, I had a breakdown. It was a combination of on/off depression, work stress and a recent, serious medical diagnosis. At the time, I walked away from my children, leaving them with their dad (separated, but a very hands on 50/50 parent.) I walked away because I was scared I would hurt them and because I honestly just believed I had nothing to offer as a parent. They'd be better off without me.

Thankfully, I got help and everything is now grand.

So he might be having an affair. He might be a shit parent who can't be arsed with family life. And if he is, then yeah, he's a shitbag. But from the way OP describes things, it sounds like he's in the midst of some kind of breakdown or crisis. It's ringing a lot of bells with me. That's how I'd be approaching things at this stage.

Do you even know where he is OP? You sound very passive. You need to get lines of communication open, it's the only way you'll figure out what's going on.

That's quite pertinent to your post though, as PP have said, that behaviour at your son's ages isn't acceptable unless there are additional needs at play.

And it makes it even worse that your H has left you to deal with three additional needs kids on your own, I'm sorry, YANBU to be incredibly hurt.

It is terrible that is just left like that, because he cannot cope, so l will leave you to it, kind of thing. There is alot more going on that he has not shared with you. I would ask to meet in a coffee shop or wherever you both feel most comfortable and try and get to the bottom of it. Your children will start asking questions. Every single member of your immediate family matters, just as he does. Whatever is happening to your dh, you have a right to know & see if it can be sorted. I wish you the very best 💗

I think you need to be more angry than sad. He can’t cope but he’s quite happy for you to. If he’d have said sorry, I need a few days away then I could see his point but to just leave you in the lurch is unacceptable. Why wasn’t he reminding his children before you all went out he expects them to rein in the noise/behaviour to an acceptable level? Instead he behaved like an uncontrollable child himself. Don’t dismiss an OW, she might not be real at the moment but he might be considering it and laying the groundwork.

I think so too. The comments about OW and that he's such a dick to walk out are silly considering there was a restaurant scene where he lost it in public and seemed really overwhelmed at the same time. For now, I think OP should focus on her husband's mental health. If there's an OP it will come out in time, but it does sound more like a breakdown than anything. I would find that concerning in case he was tempted to do something stupid. I hope OP is able to get him some help and that he is able to get signed off work for a month or something.

It doesnt really matter how chaotic or badly behaved they are. They are his children and his responsibility, their behaviour is up to him to manage, you can't just decide you can't manage family life anymore and up and leave. It's so incresibly self centred to think he can just leave and expect you to cope

I would be furious.

I think this too. My boys are 13 and 10 and I have a 5 year old dd and they don’t behave like that in restaurants anymore. It sounds like there could be wider behaviour problems.

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. Whatever the reason behind it he owes you an explanation and to be communicating with you about a path forward. As pp suggests above, find a neutral calm space and ask him some direct questions.

Why so much judgement and assumption on my parenting. We do not let our children just be wild and do what they want and no one is ‘putting up with anything’

DH and I do try very hard but it’s is still tough for us and I’m willing to admit that I struggle a lot. 2 of our boys have been diagnosed with ADHD recently mainly thanks to the schools for helping us understand their behaviour and helping us get them a diagnosis.

The schools have been very supportive, our eldest was at a state school for primary school. We are not your typical private school parents, yes we are able to afford the fees for all our children but that is mainly because of their needs. Our eldest is at a very good school, doing well academically and feels supported instead of just labelled as a ‘badly behaved’ child. He’s very smart and capable of a lot. The diagnosis is new to us and we are trying our best.

It is very hard and I struggle a lot but at the end of the day they’re my children I’m always going to love them and support them. I love my children and this is the first time DH has lost his temper like that I assume it was brewing all day, he did apologise to them but I think he’s annoyed at himself for how he acted.

I came here to vent I guess that comes with judgement.

You don’t need to share every detail but as pp there’s a massive difference in behaviours related to additional needs and those due to passive parenting

I think you need to be angry rather than hurt tbh

What would happen to your kids if you’d also decided you’d had enough and couldn’t take it any more? Of course, it’s almost always men as opposed to women who think they can just walk away from their responsibilities.

He's an adult.
He's a father of three.

He doesn't get to walk out because he's overwhelmed.
He doesn't get to demand a break at your expense.
He doesn't get to delegate parenting.

Whatever the nature of your family life, he has a responsibility he doesn't get to check out of.

I agree with PPs that you should try and meet him on neutral ground. Has he said anything about seeing the kids?

Chaos at home is hard to live with for anyone and holidays with kids can be trying. When mine were small I don’t think we went on a single holiday without me at some point threatening to go straight home if they didn’t shape up and start behaving. You hint at reasons for your children’s behaviour that you don’t want to share, but the reasons are irrelevant, it’s the result that counts. I think mum’s cope with this far better than dads, maybe because we have less choice. So if you (both) cant improve things to bring more equilibrium there may be no future. MN can help you with ideas but only if you open up more.

It's really important that people are able to come on this thread and talk about how well behaved their children are. That's definitely the point of the thread.

I understand you don’t want to discuss your children beyond what you have already described but if they have additional needs such as Autism/ADHD which often have a genetic link . Is it possible your DH is undiagnosed with similar issues and this is why he is feeling overwhelmed ?

This might be true, or he might genuinely be having a breakdown, suicidal thoughts, etc. You have to be careful about dismissing what might be cries for help. Time will tell whether he's suffering a mental-health episode or is just a dick. To be safe rather than sorry, I think OP should err on the side of supporting his MH for now.

I suspect there’s a lot more to this situation and his walking out is a climactic end to a prolonged period of stress, disruption, lack of communication and intimacy.

I’m not getting affair vibes, just a whiff of overwhelming desperation.

I’m not condoning his behaviour at all by the way, but the OP sounds passive, ineffective and it sounds like this has been building for a long time. If she’s as passive in parenting three chaotic boys as she is in communicating with her life partner I suspect this was inevitable. Don’t underestimate the stress of that sort of lifestyle.

Edited following the OPs update; having kids with additional needs does make it significantly harder. You need to find the fire in your belly now and insist he meets you to talk and make a plan to move forwards regarding shared parenting even if your relationship has broken down.

Why do people always make excuses for arsehole men like this?

TBF you posted an AIBU which is an invitation to judgement.

No matter how the kids were behaving, your husband acted rashly and selfishly.

Not judging you, but I do judge a father who walks out when the going gets tough. No excuses [MH issues, stress etc] can justify this, especially as he could throw his tantrum secure in the knowledge that you would step up. Self indulgent manbaby.