Hi
I just wanted to say a genuine thank you for the support. I really needed somewhere to vent and get things off my chest, and it has honestly helped more than I expected. It has made me feel a lot calmer and a bit more like myself again.
DH has taken time off work and his workplace has been incredibly understanding about everything. He will officially be off for around six months in total. He is actually quite excited about it. Of course a part of him will miss work and the routine, but he is really looking forward to having the time to paint and be creative, which he has not been able to properly focus on for a long time. He is very creative, so I think it will do him a lot of good.
I also wanted to add some context, as I know there have been comments about patriarchy and women not being able to just take a break. I do understand those points, and in many situations they are absolutely valid. But in my case, DH has always been incredibly supportive of me, and this has never been one sided.
When we lost our daughter I completely fell apart, but our other children were still our priority and he carried so much of that weight. He was steady, present and supportive when I needed it most. The same was true when my older brother died by suicide when I was 26. He held everything together and supported me through that as well.
Even before his recent crisis, he has always been a very involved and hands on dad and partner. He cooks three times a week, does the school run a couple of mornings, and handles pick up twice a week. Most Saturdays he takes the boys out early so I can have a lie in, and I meet them later for lunch. He genuinely enjoys spending time with them and they adore him. He has always wanted more of that time with them, not less.
The reality is that he is now struggling in a very serious way. He has opened up to me about having suicidal thoughts. There was a day in March where he asked me to create a “kids emergency” so I could leave work and meet him. At the time I did not understand why, but it turned out he was scared to go on the tube in London on his own in case he acted on those thoughts. That really brought home how bad things had got for him.
He has since shown me messages with a close friend from school, going back to November 2025, where he has been quietly struggling and being encouraged to open up and get help. So this has not come out of nowhere.
I am not going to abandon my husband while he is in the middle of a mental health crisis. Suicide is one of the biggest killers of men in his age group, and I am taking that seriously. Right now, him taking time off and getting proper support feels like exactly what is needed.
He works in a very high pressure, intense job. Yes, it brings in a lot of money, more than we realistically need at times, and I do recognise that being in that position is a privilege. But at the end of the day, time with family matters more than money ever will. Looking after your mental health and actually being present for your life is more important than any salary.
I will also say this gently, as I know emotions run high on topics like this. There does seem to be a lot of default negativity towards men in some of the replies. I understand the wider conversations about patriarchy, but I am also married to a man. I chose to marry him, and I chose to make vows to stand by him. This is my individual situation, and it is not representative of every relationship. It feels like some people are taking my situation and applying a much broader narrative to it, which does not really reflect our reality.
We have been as honest as we can with the children without putting too much on them. They know that their dad has not been feeling great and that he is taking some time off to get better, and that is enough for now. We have also spoken to their schools so they are aware that things at home are a bit different at the moment. The children are still very much our priority and we are doing everything we can to keep things as stable and normal for them as possible.
DH and I have actually had a really lovely day today, which felt like a bit of a reset for us. He did the school run so I could have a lie in, then made my favourite breakfast and we ate it together in bed with no rush. We went for a long walk with the dog, went out for some food, he went cycling for a bit, and we just spent time talking properly. Nothing big or dramatic, just a really calm, nice day together, which felt very needed.
We are starting couples counselling together next week. He begins his own individual counselling this week, and I will be starting mine as well. I am quite nervous about it all if I am honest, as there is definitely a lot I have been holding onto for a long time, but I know it is the right step for us.
My children are not badly behaved at all, they are just lively, excitable and need a bit of extra understanding. Two of them have been diagnosed with ADHD. I really wish I had known this when they were younger, especially with my eldest. I carried so much shame back then and constantly felt judged by others. There were always comments and opinions about how I was handling things, and it really knocked my confidence as a mum. It was a steep learning curve and at times quite isolating, but DH has always been there supporting me through it.
So coming on here and feeling judged straight away, with assumptions being made, has been quite eye opening. I think unless you have lived it, it is very easy to misunderstand. I shouldn’t need to say every little detail about my children for people to not make assumptions. I don’t think there’s many mothers who would wang their children to ‘behave badly’.
That said, I am really grateful for those who have shown kindness and understanding. It does make a difference.
So much solidarity with other parents navigating life with children who have additional needs. It is not always easy, but we are all doing our best.