AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

You’re misunderstanding and making assumptions. You don’t know our children, you don’t know if they have any additional needs or anything that might have been happening recently.

I didn’t mean oh well at the chaos I’m just in a lot of shock right now.

@ByPeppyKoala do they have additional needs?
there is a MASSIVE gulf between behaviours related to additional needs and behaviours because of permissive parenting!

I think he is struggling but he is speaking to the boys every day I know where he is staying. He’s not just disappeared he just left. He is still going to work I’ve told him to maybe try take some time off work.

He just does not love you anymore.

I'd be so angry. If it's chaos and too much for him, how is leaving you to deal with it all on your own okay?

He needs to accept responsibility and help to make things better. If he won't do that, I wish you all the strength and ability to send him packing.

You said you were upset that your children would no longer have their father in their lives, so that’s why people are asking whether he’s totally disappeared.

Have you got friends and family in real life who can support you through this painful process of separation?

Have you made an appointment for legal advice? I think you might feel stronger if you can take back some control. 💐

What sort of chaos are you talking about? Constant fighting from the boys, additional needs, bad behaviour?
All these should be treated differently. If your children have additional needs, it is very unfair of your DH to walk out and leave you to pick up the slack / pieces.
He might well be tired by it all, but I suspect you might be as well, but would walk out and leave someone else to deal with it.

When you find your rage, you’ll not be unreasonable to think wtf.

Your boys are far too old to misbehave in restaurants but they have 2 parents so you’re both responsible for that disaster. Is there some sort of drip feed like SN that you forgot to mention? A 2 year old on holiday misbehaving because of a change in routine is one thing but your sons are way older than that.

Is he a quiet person while the rest of you are loud and extrovert? Why would he have 3 kids when he must have known how noisy family life is after one or two kids?

Do you know where he is and if he’s going to work etc? You need him to say what he’d like to happen with regards to contact moving forward then talk to the boys about his proposal because over 11/12s are legally allowed to choose how much contact they have with each parent. If he’s paying for where he’s staying and sure that he wants to move out then you both need a discussion on finances - selling the house etc

Most importantly he owes you an explanation of what he’s clearly been hiding from you for a long time.Even if it’s something upsetting and his intentions were noble (trying to protect you during a time when you were stressed etc), he clearly can’t cope with bottling it up any longer.

Legally and socially he can decide to run away and not come back because he’s a man but if he ever loved you and respects you then he owes you the truth about how he’d like to move forward. The lack of clarity is disrespectful and completely unfair on you.

So instead of working as a team to deal with the chaos he’s just abandoned you and left you to deal with it.
What a prince 🙄

You don’t need to judge me. My children aren’t just allowed to behave badly. There’s a lot more to it than just ‘badly behaved’ they don’t rule the house. I just did not feel like airing out every single detail about my children.

I do love my husband I’m in shock and quite frankly very sad right now.

I would bet he has another woman. She’ll be younger, no kids, and when he visits her in her own place it will be calm and easy and peaceful, the complete opposite of your house. The holiday pushed him over the she because she wasn’t there to run off to.

I would brace yourself OP, this is just the beginning.

Of course I don't know your children, we can only go by what you share.

If there is more context I suggest sharing it if you want more informed responses. It obviously makes a difference if there are special needs involved. It matters if you do the majority of parenting and your DH feels like he can't change the situation. It matters if he has an incredibly stressful job etc etc.

Your responses are a bit strange OP. You said the boys behaviour was bad but then upbraided people asking about this by implying there may be ND at play here. An adult should not just up and leave but it sounds like there is way more going on here. Have you and your DH disagreed previously about their behaviour? People can’t provide help if you are so vague about what’s led up to this. Your DH could be a complete prick or he could be facing a mental health crisis no one on here knows.

Of course you're in shock and sad. Of course you are. But many of us are trying to work out IF the home life is chaos and is THIS chaos truly the reason your husband has walked out?

If it IS the reason he's walked out, how can we help you improve/ stop the chaos? Why is it so chaotic?

Because if he's left because of the chaos, might it be possible to sort it out?

How can we help? ❤️

Maybe

Ah that's just fine ... I'd be telling him to get home on x as it's his turn to look after his children. I'd go stay with a relative for anything upto a week.

Why should you have to do it all alone?

Sorry this is happening. He is being really immature though. You can’t just walk away from responsibility when it’s too much. It reflects badly on your commitment. My DH used to put his head in his hands on the table and stay down there like an ostrich for 10 or 15 minutes when we were all out as a family, and he couldn’t take it. I always felt that seemed a bit of a weak response to life and it got some funny looks. He also said he’d leave the home when DS got difficult, just to get away from it, which I also considered an inadequate response to parenting. These guys have to live with themselves. And maybe by themselves.

So where is he ? in a hotel ? at his mother's house? sleeping on a mate's sofa?

We don’t know if chaos is an exaggeration from your husband and normal activity levels from a family of 5 or if things are actual chaos in your home. This is a discussion forum where posters have described genuine chaos in their homes so without details, people are going to want to know more. If you don’t want to discuss your kids then that’s fine but this is the internet so people will ask for details that they consider important.

Well isn’t he the lucky one who thinks life is too chaotic and can just walk out! It happened to my friend but their kids were older at least. You are honestly better off without a man like that. Squeeze him financially for all he is worth.

Ok, so maybe hes stressed or depressed and this is just the final straw in whichcase he needs help... counselling, anti depressants.. something

BUT people are responsible for their behaviour regardless of their feelings he made 3 children and walking out isnt really acceptable. If its over how will he manage them alone? Hes lucky he has you to be lone parenting as he tantrums off.

I think you need to talk to him, where's he gone? Will he be back? When? Whats caused this? What does he want? And from there think about your plan going forward

I am sorry OP you are not being unreasonable for feeling like you do.

You know, if it's all too much for him then what has he been doing to improve the situation? Or does he expect you to handle it so he can eat in peace like he did that night? There's a lot of context missing so it's quite hard to say anything but ultimately if he's overwhelmed and struggling it's his responsibility first and foremost to deal with that and behave responsibility both towards himself and his family. Expecting you to just handle all this isn't on.

It sounds like he's struggling, OP. I think he should see his GP and get screened for depression/anxiety/burnout. That restaurant scene was someone who was at the end of his tether.

As a parent of 3 boys, I get it- it’s tough! The chaos, the arguments between themselves, the running around between activities and having to work and juggle…. It’s a lot! A holiday being anything but a holiday as 3 kids need looking after! But if he can’t cope with it, where’s the support for you? He can’t just leave you to it! It’s completely unfair. Is he intending to take them out and give you a break at any point? Life might be harder for him when he has them on his own a certain amount of time each week!

Hope you’re ok OP ❤️

Oh so it’s too much but he expects you to just do it?! Without him?! What the.

I would tell him this isn’t acceptable and he needs to come back and talk about this.