AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

I don’t think this is true. I think they want them, but don’t want to do the hard work. They like the status of being a family man but don’t want to do the hard yards. (There are exceptions to this obviously, but even the “good dads” do FAR less domestic work than the mums in their partnership)

No he may well be Ill and having a breakdown. This happened to me after years of working and parenting etc. if you've not had one you don't want one and retreating for some time out suggests this is likely.

I'd be tempted to call him and say you felt the same way so you had them adopted, problem solved.

What. A. Dick.

I actually think: why are your children allowed to be so badly behaved? You sound very passive and also not a communicator. How can it have gone on for so long? Do you love your DH? Do your children rule the house? Does your DH also have problems communicating? Feel like you need a family therapist to help set some boundaries, raise expectations of the boys and encourage communication for all.

Where has he gone OP?

And if he’s upset by their behavior why isn’t he having more input into changing that! It’s not all down to you.

Kids are arseholes at times but we can’t just walk away, however tempting it may be.

Btw for this to truly be a mental health crisis you’d be seeing chronic sleeplessness or over sleeping, self care being neglected or overlooked, heightened stress intolerance or emotionality, suicidal thoughts & impulses to end /escape (obviously his own private thoughts) feeling there’s no way out, difficulty motivating himself, over working & spending all his time at work as either a refuge or not being able to complete tasks in the time allocated & falling behind & failing so working to just save face /catch up. Alcohol or drugs as a coping mechanism. Don’t mean to scare you but these would indicate a clinical issue & he may be suffering from these but trying to conceal them & carry on as normal.
Gambling, debt & other stuff - cld add to the stress he’s carrying that have tipped him over the edge.

i don’t know what others think but to leave & walk out is quite extreme - like others say there’d be more talking of him struggling & needing certain things to change or an expression of dissatisfaction or difficulty with things in the family dynamic, his role in it or things within your own relationship.

To just leave means none of that can happen & deprives you of a two way insight into eachother.

By the way - ofc YANBU.

If he’s white manipulative generally then using big guns moves like walking out to get what he wants is really manipulative & actually quite abusive.

How much is he taking the kids overnight or calling to see how they are? Let me guess - not at all..

Kids that close together and that age are chaos - it’s the way it is. I’d be totally furious that he walks out and leaves you to it all. What would happen if you decided it was too chaotic as well?!

Has he family? If so, do they know he just walked out without looking back? If so, let them look after him while you find your anger OP.

Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Errrr you could try making them less chaotic??? Both of you, to be fair.

Children those ages should not be messing around and acting up in a restaurant. You say life at home is loud and chaotic. DH told you before he was struggling with it, if your answer was just Oh well nothing much I can do, you can see why he'd eventually just break.

Not defending him walking out but your home life sounds very stressful.

I would also be on the look out for another woman, I'm sorry, i went through a similar thing 7 months ago and a month or two later I discovered there was somebody else involved.

If it is just the chaos of family life etc, surely he must realise it will be much more chaotic having his 3 boys all on his own half of the time?!

Do you mean you have had no contact since? He hasn’t had any contact with his DC? Do you think he intends to cut them out completely?

The chances of this man having his DC 50/50 seems slim tbh.

It sounds like he is overwhelmed with the stress and possibly heading for a mental breakdown. I've been there, difference was I couldn't just leave my DC so I spoke to my DH, spoke to my manager and started doing things to improve my wellbeing.
I do feel for him if things are too much, parenting is hard, dealing with mental health issues is hard, but when you have children you can't just run away.

Of course you feel sad op you have just been let down and so have your children

we all want a break at times we all feel overwhelmed but that is family life we don’t all act selfishly and walk away

he is being incredibly selfish and I suspect your sadness will rightly turn to anger soon

he has shown you who he is a selfish man and yes I suspect something else is going on maybe ow or just a life her prefers but he has made a choice that suits him first not his family

I know you're in shock OP, but you seem incredibly passive considering this sudden siesmic shift. Do you know where he is? Personally I think this has the hallmarks of another woman. But why are your boys so badly behaved and chaotic? They really shouldn't be that bad at their ages. Have you argued about parenting styles over the years?

If he actually parented his kids then there wouldn't be any of the messing about in a restaurant - so basically he's failed as a parent and then walked out and left you to deal with the mess.

He's a shit excuse for a farther so your boys are properly better off anyway. Id start getting things in place and figure where you are financially and start divorcing him, take back control now x

Maybe he would prefer to only see them half of the time, they sound like a nightmare and he sounds sick of them!

Have you communicated at all since?
He owes you, at the very least, a frank conversation, telling you whether he plans to come back ? what does he plan to tell his sons ? whether the truth is an OW? How the finances will work now ?
You need to tell him, that even if it's hard? how come he is able to down tools but expects you to carry the whole thing alone, & confused to boot ?
If he needs help, he better get it soon, or there will be no about turn.

Ffs. The man sounds depressed. You would never say that to a woman

Sorry but no, boys that age and that close are not chaos. They certainly don’t behave like that in a restaurant. I’ve never experienced that with mine. They certainly do have their moments, I’ve had my moments of raising my voice and bollocking them for times of bad behaviour, but I wouldn’t describe our general life as “chaos” because that’s just not how kids behave, unless they have other issues.

Unfortunately I think this is true. As I have got older I believe many especially younger women are deluded in thinking most men want children. Men may say they do (it’s more or less expected these days). When the reality of having children hits them men can walk away. Women are left holding the baby quite literally. I sometimes think other civilisations got it right with the women living in their own set up with all the children. All supporting each other. The men were off separately in some other encampment. Sorry that is of no help to the OP.

I know where he is and he has spoken to the kids everyday since he left. He has not cut them off completely at least as of yet.

There’s a lot of assumptions being made from my post maybe I wasn’t specific enough but I don’t think he’s abandoning his children.

Your first paragraph applies to the OP as well then. Both parents are responsible.

I’m a single parent so I take full credit for my children’s behaviour. The OP and her husband did it together.

If you’re going to slag off her kids behaviour, then you can’t just slag off the husband.

Excellent post

I’d bet my pension he’d having an affair or close to it.

Is he burnt out? How is his work? He sounds at the end of his tether right now. I feel for you op, this is not an easy position to be in for you.