AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

I actually thought this too. What about Mum? She just has to get on with it? Great.

This, sometimes it is their behaviour, especially if it’s gone unchecked and they have been allowed to behave appalling.
but he is also complicit in this too, if he has permitted them to behave as you have described, so should not have walked off and left you to it if so!

Of course you're justified in feeling that way. People commenting that the children should be behaving better well their father is reasonable l responsible for them too. Tell him you've had a think about it and you've had enough too, ask him what do you suggest you both do with the children? Put them in care? Of course he'll think you're crazy, well that's exactly what he's done, walked away. You deserve at very least an explanation, a proper conversation.

So have you heard from him since he left? Do you know where he is staying, is he going to work, is he ok?

Do you know where he is and can you make contact? Ideally you need to talk and get to the bottom of what's going on in his head. Sometimes with threads like this you straight away get an OW vibe but with this I get a medical one. No one here can tell you what the problem is, still less the solution, but I think you need to talk to him and he needs to talk to a GP.

What did he say about leaving you to now do every single thing, and how you would cope with that?

You shouldn't be hurt. You should be incandescent with rage at this weak, selfish man.

Following on from my earlier post - even if you can't find your own rage, please find it on their behalf.

What a fucking shithead.

Well I would be wanting to know from him how he wants to work out 50/50 shared custody and then he can manage family life all on his fucking own for 50% of the time.

Do you know where he is? Have you had any contact since he left? I might give him a couple of days then I would be in touch to ask what he is doing to try to get himself back on track. Walking out on your family is not 'normal' behaviour so perhaps he needs to see his GP. Would counselling individually or together be an option? He's counting on you to pick up everything and that's just not fair. Does he plan to never see his sons again, because if you separate he'll be spending time with them on his own?

So…where is he? Has he been in touch at all? What about his family, his parents etc?

You seem quite..passive about the whole thing. Have you contacted him?

Why do men think they can have children and then just walk away when the going gets tough...

Call his bluff, say yea I was thinking the same thing, perhaps we should get them adopted!!

Then when he says, we cant do that are you serious.

You can say well why do you get to walk out on the chaos and I dont!!

There were many many times when I couldn't cope any more with my kids. They drove me to the brink of insanity frequently. But, as a single parent, I couldn't walk out, no matter how bad it was. Nice for men to have the option.

OP, there's no reason why your boys shouldn't have their father in their lives even if you divorce.

Never ceases to amaze me how many men just walk out on their families and leave the women to just cope. Women rarely do this.
Where's he gone??
OP - this could many things, as PPs have said. Most likely is an OW, but could be work, health worries, something he's kept to himself. If it really is just that he can't cope with the noise/chaos of the DC, then he may come to his senses and come back. But the sitting you down and telling you - rather than storming out on the spur of the moment - seems ominous.
You seem to be taking it very calmly, if I may say so. Possibly you are in shock - look after yourself.

He’s either having a mental health crisis or has an OW. Either way, just walking out on his family is despicable. Give him the space and when he gets back in touch, demand the truth.

When he says there is so much chaos… is that true? Really have a think about your home life; is it very chaotic? Is there a lot of noise and arguing and having to tell them off (and being ignored), low level bad behaviour, difficult meal times etc?

I’ve got boys that are the same ages as yours and I’d say that’s really not normal. Of course they have their moments, but on the whole, we have a very calm chilled atmosphere at home.

If your family life really is overwhelming, then I can understand him snapping and thinking he can’t cope anymore. I don’t understand him actually leaving. There should be discussion, and a plan made, family counselling or small steps at a time. But maybe if he has this break, he can come back to the table ready to work on change. If that’s what you would want? It isn’t all about him. You obviously have to cope in the house too, and you didn’t get to walk out and abandon the kids and just expect to get away with it. What he had done is really selfish, and it’s totally ok for you to decide that actually, you don’t want him as your partner anymore because he wasn’t a very good one. So, don’t just think about what he needs… think about what you want.

Are you talking at all? Is he seeing the kids? And how is the practical stuff like childcare and finances been dealt with?

The surprise to him is going to be that walking out for a few days doesn’t actually change anything. Presuming you’re not multimillionaires, he’s going to have to come back relatively soon and then if he wants a divorce, he’s going to have to work through that with you while you both presumably live in the same house unless he’s got somewhere else very obvious to go. I think a lot of people watch the films and think that when you’re done in a marriage, you can just walk out and not see that person again. But unless you’re very wealthy or are willing to walk away from absolutely everything and do not have kids that simply isn’t the reality. It will be very interesting to see what he has to say for himself when he comes back.

But he is at least 50% responsible for the boys behaviour. Perhaps more actually. It may not be PC to say it, but I definitely noticed ds paying more and more attention to DH as he grew, mimicking him as an adolescent.

It is a failure that boys that age are unable to respectfully and peacfully sit in a restaurant, did DH not get involved much in raising them?

Shame he didn’t think to parent his children when they misbehaved instead of walking out and leaving it to you. Shows what a waste of space he is as a father and husband.
Edited to correct spelling

Why are your children so badly behaved? At those ages they should be able to eat calmly in a restaurant!

Well, he wasn't much of a role model for the kids when he kicked off in the restaurant, was he? He is as responsible for their behaviour and upbringing as you are.

Selfish man, abandoning you with three children. If they are a handful with two of you there, how is it anything other than monumentally self-serving of him to leave you with them on your own?

Unless there is a genuine mental health crisis, he'd be getting his arse handed to him.

There’s obviously so much context to this OP so it’s hard to advise. Is he in a very stressful job, how much is he hands on with parenting & domestic /mental/physical load? Does he bottle stuff up normally? Has he expressed feeling like this or “overwhelmed” in any way before? How is the division of labour split - do you work at all, part time or full time? Are you still physically intimate or is everything about just raising the family & gettting by & being exhausted so no time for eachother - which is not obviously unusual or unreasonable.

I too don’t like that he gets to literally throw the towel in & claim male fragility. He signed up to parent & be a husband so he doesn’t get that luxury. You don’t & wouldn’t I imagine if you were feeling equally overwhelmed.
Your DC do not deserve a father that abandons when the going gets tough.

But he may be having or close to a nervous breakdown of sorts & literally has reached breaking point. That’s the dilemma.

I think to leave you in the dark not knowing & feeling as though you & the boys are too much & too unbearable for him must be incredibly hurtful & hard to bear.

Is he communicating at all with you & is this what he’s like generally? I guess the old adage of men not being able to articulate their feelings or communicate easily well apply here.

I think you need to convey reasonable hurt & uncertainty to him alongside a willingness to understand & get to the bottom of what’s going on. If it’s a breakdown he himself may not know what’s happening to him & that can be very scary - do he may not even be able to have concrete answers. So love & empathy are obviously key.

Had he had any vulnerabilities to stress overload in the past? He sounds like his need for a nice meal, a holiday & a break was never going to really happen on a family holiday where tbh it’s hardly stress free with boisterous kids & he sounds like he was craving adult time & decompression & enjoying it in a way that’s challenged by family holidays. Not to say they can’t be all of those things but YKWIM.

Is he answering calls? I’d be very confused & scared if I were you too. He really owes you the decency to let you in. If he’s having a mental health breakdown that can be quite hard to however. As the tendency is to withdraw & shut out & self preserve.

Keep reaching out & asking how he is. That you love him & are concerned about him? That he can talk to you & that you hate seeing him
like this? If he needs to fix this that’s do able? There is no pressure on him.

If it’s another manipulative ploy common to men to claim male fragility, throw in the towel & abandon because someone else is offering him sex, carefree living & an ego trip - then all of the above can go to fuck.

Really tricky Op you have my sympathies. Keep us posted x

But as per pp that depends if he’s
-actually ever parented them before
-if he’s tried to parent them, but been over ruled

Majority of men don't want children. They have them because the women does. It really is no surprise that men walk out when the going gets tough!

I think OW which is making him grumpy and dissatisfied with “normal” life.
I know two men who’ve done this recently, and there was then NO interest in 50/50, in fact they barely see their kids now. Leaving mum to do everything.

Why not remind him that he’s also half responsible for the boys’ behaviour?! If he can’t cope, it’s not just you who’s brought them up, is it?