AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

OP, I'm so sorry for everything you've all been through.
Get every last scrap of help you can from family and friends. See if you can get some counselling urgently so you have somebody to help you navigate your own feelings and to give you an outlet. I think that will give you a bit more mental energy to help your husband.
Can you talk to your husband's friend and ask them to look out for him? They may be doing so already but it wouldn't hurt for you to be in regular contact.
And - most important of all - be super kind to yourself.
💐

Absolutely vile

@ByPeppyKoala i am also based in Oxfordshire and have a sone with adhd and a daughter with autism. We are going to see a specialist in a couple of weeks who has been recommended to me as once you have the diagnosis you just get left to deal with it. My son was diagnosed at 5 and is now nearly 11 and I can see how hard it is for him every day to try and hold it all together.
happy to DM you and share details if you like. It’s hard and it puts enormous pressure on both parents as it’s extremely exhausting, so totally sympathise with you and what you are going through.

I disagree. I hadn't seen the OP's updates, and obviously I am sympathetic towards anyone who says they are suicidal. If I had seen them, I would have withheld my comment on taste grounds.

But since I didn't and my comment is out there, I actually think we should ALL grow up and look the other, more general data in the eye.

Somehow, women manage to live through mental anguish in order to look after the babies and children that depend on them. They very, very rarely abandon them.

Why does male anguish carry more weight? Why are we understanding when men walk away from their families because things are too hard for them? Why is there no equivalent: 'things got too hard for her' or 'she couldn't cope with family life'?

It sounds like this man is seriously unwell. But I was driven to make my comment because every day here we read about men who are "struggling" or who have opted out of family life or who are "not very good with the kids". More often we hear of men who are "great dads" - not because they actually parent their kids, caring for them emotionally and physically, thinking ahead to their needs, and working as a team with the mother, but because they have managed, for example, to refrain from verbally abusing the kids as they do the wife.

Why can't men cope with doing anything like their fair share, to the extent that when required to they perceive it as an attack? Why do they experience equality as an oppression? And why do women always have to pick up the pieces when it all becomes too much?

It's not childish to ask these questions - it's clear-eyed and honest, and we would all benefit from being grown up enough to ask them.

A man who thinks that it's better if he throws himself in front of a train is clearly very unwell. Men are more likely to die by suicide than women. Men are told to 'man up' constantly. Even after the updates posters were still making derogatory comments about the OPs husband. As I said much earlier, having had a DS almost end his own life, I have a tiny amount of understanding of why men behave as they do, and how dismissive some health care professionals can be about males with psychiatric illness. Too often men are told that they are not allowed to be 'weak', just look at the comments here. People who have reached a crisis often don't behave rationally, it's as obvious as that.

This is not the thread to have that discussion. It’s in bad taste to dig in your heels rather than just say sorry, I didn’t read all of OPs posts, but rather reinforce your messaging.

start another thread if it’s that important to you?

OP, I’ve read all of your posts and I’m so, so sorry for everything you’re going through. You sound utterly amazing, and in fairness so does he, although this incident sounds frightening.

If I understood correctly, he has a GP appointment. I hope they can get him both medication and talking therapies to help.

I found myself wondering two things.

1. Can he take a month or even 2-3 months off work? It sounds as if he needs a proper rest.

2. Can he have at least a week away alone, or staying with a quiet family member somewhere where he doesn’t have to do anything or think about anything?

3. Can you and he also have even just a weekend doing nothing by yourselves.

My overwhelming impression was that your life is very, very busy, with little downtime. Taking two neurodiverse children to Barbados with other family followed by France (especially if you drove) is…a lot. Can you do a much simpler holiday with limited travel time that doesn’t tire them out next time?

Absolutely my very best and I hope life can become a little less effort for you all. I’m sorry you had to deal with all the commentary suggesting OW, it doesn’t sound like that at all. Sometimes we just snap and need time to recover.

One of the reasons why men take their own life is attitudes like yours. If a woman has mental health issues the majority of people will be supportive, offer practical and / or emotional support and recommend various therapies. Women often ask for help at an earlier stage. Men can just feel a failure and that they are weak if they need help. This gets reinforced by lack of understanding of mental illness and the idea that they could just pull themselves together and get on with it. In my lifetime I know 5 people who have taken their own life 4 men and 1 woman. I also know 2 people whose fathers took their own life. 3 of the men had dependent children.

You honestly don't come across as sympathetic at all. Imagine if it was a woman who was having a mental health crisis and was on the verge of taking her own life. Would you make the same comments?

Also, reread your own posts, do you think they are helping the OP in any way what so ever? It's hard when someone has a mental breakdown, it's a long journey back to being well again and OP needs to get support wherever she can. Making nasty comments about her sick husband and your perception that he has failed rather than is seriously unwell wont help I can assure you.

Fantastic post IMO.

Some very nasty people on this website.

As someone who had been through a mental health crisis myself (and I have a SEN child), it is very very heavy.

I think DP needs to seriously consider coming back home though. Staying away from the house is eventually going to make him feel more isolated, lonely, depressed etc. A day or two to get some rest, but he needs to be at home with his family (as recovery from these can take months or YEARS and he cant move out indefinitely).

It sounds like he needs to take some time off work - a couple of months at least. Get some therapy/CBT booked in and see a GP for some medication (some are against it but I think it helps for severe depression, especially when suicide ideation etc comes into it).

I hope your DP gets all the help he needs soon and you get some support too!

Thank you.

As of today he is taking 4 months off work, he’ll do the odd bit from home but at least 3 months he’ll just take it easy. He works in finance as a portfolio manager, he is the main bread winner bringing in over £500k each year + bonuses. He does that so I can teach wealthy kids painting and music I do the things I love because of him I can have my own business. He’d love to paint all day everyday, he’s very creative.

He doesn’t want time alone he wants to be with us. The boys enjoy spending time with him and despite all the chaos he does love spending time with them. It’s been hard for us both finding ways to support our children who aren’t typical and have more energy.

He has been prescribed some meds today and he has a session on Wednesday. I went with him to his appointment today. I’m taking a bit of time off work not sure how long but I’m lucky enough to have my own business and have supportive people that work for me and can take up my work load.

We both want our children to just have the best childhood and we’ve probably overcompensated for that. They’re creative and ambitious and we want to give them all the support we can but it also overwhelms. My eldest son is having all the support we can get, he’s only just been diagnosed not too long ago and it takes time for him to adjust and for us too. With time things will calm down.

I don’t think he’s having an affair of any sort. I’ve asked him and I’ve never even been suspicious of that. I think he’s overwhelmed and burnt out and things will work out it won’t be easy.

So happy you could work together to find a solution. Having kids on a spectrum is extremely difficult. Best of luck to both of you trying to navigate this kind of normalcy. Never doubted in your previous comments it was an affair.

Thank you for coming back and updating us all. I hope your DH gets plenty of rest, that the meds and therapy get him back to full health and that your family thrive.
My youngest DS has ASD and ADHD as did his dad so I do have an inkling of what life might be like for you. DS also has an anxiety disorder.
Wishing you all you wish yourself.

No I stand by my comment.

I like hearing other perspectives I came here for that. I’ve had tough times I’m not going to go into all of it but he didn’t just give up. It’s been 22 years together personally after that many years I don’t want to just walk away at the first blip. We lost our daughter after we tried everything and I really struggled during that time. My children had to experience the death of their sister too, it has an impact on them too. They have had lots of bereavement support. They’re too young to have gone through that but they’ve done well and I’m proud of them.

Marriage isn’t easy at all. He’s always done his share, I’ve never felt that I’m doing it all alone. It’s not as if I do all the cooking, cleaning, school runs, school lunches, activities etc he loves his children, we wanted children.

Having 3 boys who are very hyperactive isn’t the easiest even for me there’s been times where I’ve just wanted a long weekend to myself and I’ve had that.

I digress. Mental health is important to me regardless of anything, I lost my older brother to suicide when I was 26 and I think when you’re struggling you’re not thinking rationally.

Have caught up on the thread.

Sending love and support.

Oh @ByPeppyKoala I’m so sorry xxx

Thanks.

if you don’t mind I’d appreciate the details for the specialist as we are in Oxfordshire too.

xxxx

@ByPeppyKoala will send you a message x

OP - and you lost a brother to suicide too, as well as losing your daughter? Oh, you have really gone through it, haven't you. 😢💐

It sounds as if your husband became totally overwhelmed by his life and it caused a MH crisis. I am very happy to hear that he's having 4 months off work. I wish him the very best with his treatment. And the boys will get what they need, too.

Thankfully we live in a time where these things are far better understood than they used to be. Mental health issues and ADHD are very treatable with the right support.

If family members are prescribed both medication and therapy, do make sure that they commit to the therapy part and not to let that aspect of treatment slide. It's easy to sit back and let the medication do all the work when you are prescribed both, but they're meant to work together if you are prescribed both. You get a much better result that way. The trouble is, it's so easy to dump the therapy part once you're over the worst, as therapy is work.

Anyway, there are much better times ahead for you all!

This has restored my faith inhumanity @IAmADancer, been really disheartened by some on this thread pushing their own agenda, despite @ByPeppyKoala being very open and honest about things

well said. I agree

So sorry OP. About how much you have on your plate, dealing with your boys and ofc
the loss of your gorgeous little girl. Sending you hugs and love xx

Mis-posted apologies!