AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

me too (some might call it ‘burnout?)… get him to GP?

Oh that's helpful.

He sounds more like someone struggling, to me.

I remember when I was about 12 and my sister was 15, my dad just became totally overwhelmed by life, even though we had no outward family problems - all healthy, and we were pretty good kids. He had some counselling.

It's not that, it's because some of us know that if you're in the grip of a MH crisis, you simply cannot cope and it is not a choice. We don't know if he is, but it sounds like a definite possibility.

Suicide is the biggest killer of men in this age group so pp is just striking a note of caution. None of us are in a position to know if he is arsehole, cheating or having a mental breakdown. OP needs to ask him directly.

This. As if the OP wouldn't have had an inkling beforehand.

I know what a mental health crisis is, I've also got personal experience. It's not a go-to for excusing the behaviour of men.

Wtf did he expect when he signed up for 3 boys? Of course its gonna be hectic. Its family life, normal stuff.

Weak, pathetic man, checking out of family life, thats what this is.

I'm so sorry OP but I don't think you should try to make this work, or plead, or try to understand because then he will never really come back and will still see you and family life as an option. Let him see in the cold hard light of day, that what he's done is beyond serious, he's closed the door on the lovely family life he was so lucky to have. You're not an option or someone to be walked out on.

Dh and I have a child with additional needs who has some difficult behaviours . It’s taken a huge toll on our relationship as at times we both feel overwhelmed. My guess based on what you have said is that he’s struggled for a long time, buried his feelings rather than dealt with them and it all blew up in that moment and now he’s in fight or flight mode so he’s panicking and he’s left. It’s hard to think rationally when you feel in a state of panic.
What you need to do now is think about what you want, do you want him to come back? You also need to tentatively think about what might happen if he doesn’t come back, can you afford the house? Would you need to change your job? How would you manage?
Good luck op I hope you get the outcome you want, if he does come back I’d want him to engage in some therapy and learn to accept the life he has.

I’m sorry you went through that.

I think he’s just had enough, he feels like a shit father. He tries a lot and has been supportive. Two of our boys have been diagnosed with adhd recently and DH and I are still learning.

I know where he is and he’s been on the phone to the boys everyday.

I sound passive because I’m tired and in shock and I just want my family back all in the same house. I miss him as much as I am upset and it’ll turn into anger at some point I do miss him the house feels empty without him. I am worried about him. Regardless of how I feel he is still the father of my children I’m disappointed in him I thought we were a team. We’ve had very tough times and survived, our daughter passed away a few years ago we got through that together.

People have suggested OW but I don’t think so there’s never been any signs of that but I could be wrong.

Not everyone's MH crisis is the same. They're not one size fits all.

This.

Why are people making excuses for him and it seems almost blaming the OP for the "chaos" the boys behaviour brings? They are his childten to, he has raised them!
I can almost guarantee there is another woman who was more than likely giving him a hard time for being away with his wife on a family holiday.

I also think OW. The boys are not toddlers, surely he’s lived with the chaos of parenting for years. So what changed? I would do some digging.

So there are two recent diagnoses of ADHD, three boisterous boys, and there is the grief of a daughter having passed away a few years ago. No wonder he's overwhelmed. Maybe he's still grieving or perhaps something has triggered his grief again, like a close friend having a daughter.

I am so sorry you went through that, OP.

Absolutely sadly.

Oh OP it looks like you both have a lot on your plate and the last years were particularly hard for you.

Ah, OP I'm very sorry for your loss
It's good that you know where he is and as others have said, time will tell whether he's being an arsehole or genuinely having a crisis. I hope you have a good support network around you and I wish you all the best. X

Read her posts. Two of their three children have recently received diagnoses of ADHD.

That's odd because on Mumsnet that's pretty much the default on every thread about men not facing up to their responsibilities - it's always the same mental health issues or the same neurodivergence.

It sounds like he is overwhelmed - you say the boys have ADHD & you also mention private school fees, so presumably he is in a well paid job in order to be able to afford that. So he is possibly just completely worn out & needs a break. Going to France sounds lovely but does involve some effort to go and do things rather than having some down time.

Do you work? Does he have a lot on with boys on top of working? I’m not excusing him at all but just wondering if he’s at breaking point.

You could explain to the boys that they need to calm down a bit - they are old enough to understand.

Do you have any other support in place to help with the boys? Perhaps a weekend off together somewhere he can chill might help.

Is it worth getting in touch with him to tell him you love him and miss him? Is there anyway back for you?

AIBU is an absolute cesspit. Plus you only explained the bare bones and people will either draw their own conclusions, or ask you to explain the context, which is what you've now started to do. I think you are, or were just seeking a safe landing space to share your shock. AIBU isn't for that. It's for people who like a bun fight. You could report your own opening post and ask Mumsnet to move your thread to relationships, where people are sometimes a bit more gentle.

Even if he is overwhelmed and and struggling, all he's done is shift the entire burden on to the OP. All of it, every bit of it. He doesn't seem to be taking any responsibility whatsoever.

Well he should have parented them better then. And it all screams another OW because of the holiday.

@ByPeppyKoala sorry just read about the loss of your DD. He could be grieving & unable to move on from that at the moment. I think you are right to be worried about him. Good luck & I hope he works things out in his head & comes home soon.