AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

The comment was 'for' the fact that - despite it now being blindingly obvious that the OP's husband is in the midst of a serious mental health crisis - you and a few other posters are still seemingly determined to make the OP feel worse by going on about an Other Woman, based on no evidence whatsoever. Or getting in the usual stuff about The Patriarchy - I'm not saying it's not a thing but FFS it sounds like the man was very close to killing himself- maybe save it for another time yeah?

This thread has shown some of the best of MN but God it's shown some of the worst too.

Hi Op, I have read all of your comments but not the full thread, so please forgive me if I am repeating something said by others. I was just wondering, given that two of your sons are now diagnosed ND (and possibly the third will be in time?), is it possible that your husband is also ND? I speak as a mother who discovered her own neurodiversity following the diagnosis of her child, and getting that diagnosis (whilst a shock at first) has really helped me to understand both my needs and those of my child. If it turns out that your husband is also ND, then he may find the same, that a diagnosis helps him to understand his own needs, and not only to help you both to shape home life to work better for all of you, but also to help him with issues he may be experiencing at work. Even if he is extremely successful, which it sounds like he is, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have difficulties in the workplace. For me, understanding that it is Ok that I don’t do well in certain conditions because of my ND - not because I’m ‘weak’ or ‘stupid’, but because I am ND - has almost given me permission to advocate for my own needs. I didn’t even realise how much stress certain things caused me, such as the brightly lit, noisy, crowded office, until lockdown when I didn’t have to experience them anymore, but going back in afterwards threw it all into relief. If he is experiencing this, if he has to use extra energy to compensate at work, it will mean he has less bandwidth to cope at home. It may also be making him feel weak, or useless, or like there is something wrong with him. It may not apply and he may be entirely NT, but I just wanted to flag the possibility.

@ByPeppyKoala lying here sobbing for a woman, man and 3 boys I don’t know. And your little girl.

You have been through far too much and I can’t even imagine how difficult it is to hear your husband say he was so close to ending his life. My heart is fully going out to you and sending you every bit of strength.

If you have private insurance, get him to a psychiatrist asap. Even inpatient at the priory. Keep him safe. For your boys.

If you have anyone who can help with childcare (you mentioned a holiday with family recently) to ‘shield’ them a little from all of this I would call in those favours.

And please make a gp appt for you too as I think you’ve got a long road ahead navigating this. Giving you strength through my tears xx

If you had sufficient time to type out your response, then you could at least have bothered to read all of the OP's updates as advised by MNHQ

Anyone questioning your parenting needs to be ashamed. It is completely normal for kids to play up especially when they’re tired etc. I think yours husband is dealing with immense stress and not able to get out of it. He needs therapy if he hasn’t already and a few weeks or more off work. Have you all had therapy and counselling for the bereavement. I’m so sorry for the loss .

Are you serious? THAT is how you would treat someone going through a severe mental health crisis? God forbid anyone ever asks you for help or shows signs of needing help.

You clearly don't think that men can become mentally unwell. You clearly have no idea of mental illness generally. I hope that no male in your family becomes unwell and decides that the only solution is to take their own life. Every day men do that, because they are told to man up,because no one thinks that they are ill. This man is ill, he needs urgent help. If he broke his leg would you expect him to just keep on walking on it?

@BootMakerdid you even fully read the OP? or all OPs comments?

I'm sorry to read your posts @ByPeppyKoala. You sound like an amazing strong woman. And you've had a long and strong relationship.
Supporting someone's mental health is so hard because a lot of the time you are second guessing their needs and they don't know what they are then in your case you have the whole family to support.
I hope your DH can get the help he needs. And I hope you and the boys can too. I hope you can get extra support from family in this time. You have been through such hard times it's I hope you can all keep going as a unit. I hope you have someone who can support you too.

When you are going through hell keep going.x

I’m so very sorry to read all that you both have been going through. You are grieving the very worst loss in the world while doing your best for your boys. I’m so sad for you both. He also has tried to protect you by not telling you until now. Now you know, you can support him in getting help but I would imagine you don’t have all this extra energy and resilience waiting to come into play, it must feel overwhelming and so hard OP. I am sending you love and strength to make it through. It sounds so hard but also you sound like a great team and he is collapsing under the terrible strain of loss and stress.

@ByPeppyKoala
I came to say some of this. My eldest son (33) is currently just coming out of a mental health crisis. The psychiatric team think it’s highly likely he has ADHD (his brother was late diagnosed) and this goes some way to explain why he’s ended up in crisis. He is very high achieving and as this poster says, he just tried to get through for a long time.

Practically, just ensure he (and you) have all the contact numbers for crisis services to hand. And look after yourself x

So sorry to hear your family is going through this OP. You deserve support and I'm sorry ppl have been horrid on this thread.
Sending strength and hoping ppl will be kinder moving forward x

I’m so sorry OP. Do you have family support or close friends in real life that can help prop you up too?
I agree with previous posters about possibly approaching social services for help as a whole family.
Your boys sound very similar to my nephew, so I totally understand the absolute chaos and how exhausting it must be for you both

Oh go and read the thread @THisbackwithavengeance !

do you think the op will be thanking you for such a horrible post?

am so sorry @ByPeppyKoala - for your family’s situation and for everything you are going through now. Please contact the TAF for their valuable support.

Charities like Winston’s Wish would also be a very good place for support (you might have used them already). I’m so sorry for all your troubles and I hope together, now your DH has opened up, you’re able to access the help and support you all need.

A space to discuss feelings and worries would make a huge difference to you all - your love for your husband and children is so obvious in every word you’ve written. Help is out there - and experts in grief and family therapy will be able to support you.

I hope things are a little better today now you’ve spoken to him. And in all this - don’t forget to look after yourself. You are also entitled to feel let down, and hurt, and overburdened. Be kind to yourself too 💐

Oh dear god! Do you really have no empathy for a man who is in the middle of a mental health crisis? Do you not understand that he has considered suicide as the only way out? You are part of the reason why men don't seek help, and end up exiting life.
Do you really hate men so much? I truly hope you have no sons who find themselves mentally ill.

I know @loislovesstewie. I try and think they can’t be that cruel and callous and only read the op and want to get in and be nasty because of their misanthropic thinking

Just to be clear. I have immense sympathy for anyone who is mentally ill. Male/female, doesn't matter. There is such a stigma attached, and some of the comments here show the reality of the situation.

Oh, OP, your posts are so heartbreaking, what a situation. You sound like such a lovely strong caring person and you've done so well to get your husband to open up to you properly. It's a long and difficult road ahead but identifying what was wrong was the first huge hurdle.

Your husband needs professional help and I'm sure you will support him with accessing that. But please don't forget about caring for yourself as well as him and the kids. You are important too and you have so much on your shoulders. Does your work have a Employee Assistance Plan? I would start there and see what support there is for YOU.

Also wanted to say my eldest has ASD and ADHD and we got fobbed off a lot so he wasn't diagnosed until secondary school. The early years were very tough going at times, he literally could not sit still or stop taking and we had all the comments/judgement e.g. "you need to be stricter/I wouldn't put up with that nonsense etc." My husband found it particularly hard and got exasperated or checked out a lot (and it was hard for me not to resent that as it left me doing even more to hold it together) but we got through it. Meds were very useful for our son (i know they aren't a magic bullet for everyone) and he's now a young adult about to do his finals and has a lovely life and a lovely partner. You sound like a lovely mum and I'm sure you will do your boys proud, though it won't always be plain sailing.

"head in hands" For the love of God, read the OP's posts! Two of her children have just been diagnosed with ADHD; their daughter passed away age 5 from leukaemia; he's been experiencing strong suicide ideation and has had difficulty stopping himself from jumping in front of trains.

Something else is worrying him? YA THINK???

I can't understand why people are replying without even getting to the MN comment at the end of the OPs FIRST POST!

Oh gosh, you’ve both really been through the mill, I’m so sorry OP. I think he’s just under a lot of stress, as you inevitably will be, and he’s having a MH crisis. You both need some space. Lots of marriages break down after the loss of a child. I’d imagine you’ve already been through therapy but this should be ongoing.

Your kids sound lovely OP, any responses pearl clutching about behaviour at dinner are just rubbish. Some days are just randomly like that, especially with NDs but also for anyone. People just love to judge needlessly.

While your DH may be having suicidal thoughts you really have to look after yourself here, this could be CPTSD for both of you after the loss of your daughter (I am so sorry) and complexities around that which need to be looked in to, for you as much as your DH. Theres only so much you can take personally, to look after yourself, to look after kids, to now look after a DH in a mental health crisis, with the added pressure of now solo parenting and constant uncertainty. Just sending you solidarity, please try to prioritise your mental health, too.