AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and on top of that, receiving some really judgemental comments here - which is the last thing you need or deserve at a time like this, especially considering you’ve done nothing wrong. I have no better advice than that which has already been offered by helpful commenters, but your grace in dealing with the situation, alongside some of the not-so-nice things said in this thread, is admirable. I hope you and your husband find a way to work through all of this, and that things get easier for you and your family very soon. ❤️‍🩹

I’m sorry but given the information the OP has given this is a SERIOUSLY unhelpful post. This isn’t the time for your gender digs.

20 men commit suicide every day in the UK.

telling men to “man up”, as you intimate with your posts, helps neither women OR men, and simply reinforces the view that men have to bottle it up, to disastrous consequences.

grow up and learn empathy.

When you are depressed, your desire to take appropriate actions is often diminished. I'm very glad you spoke with him OP and that his burden is shared. I think it is understandable that with three lively boys, two ND and having lost your daughter he is struggling with his MH and this may be a struggle for you too. All the things you are doing seem sensible in terms of him seeing a GP and getting therapy, but it's not a quick fix for anything, more a long-term project. Now he's told you, though it may be that it being a family project is much better than feeling it's his individual problem or there's something wrong with you.

Many people have breakdowns and recover; it's great he's opened up, and you all need to get support and help, you as well as him, to cope. This places a huge strain on you though so do seek real-life help and support from your own family and friends, and perhaps consider a therapist yourself to offload your own worries. I hope it works out for you all.

OP, you sound like you’ve been through the wringer and you’ve done so well to keep going. Those judging need to get off their high horses and consider how they would cope in your shoes. You’re doing all the right things. You sound like and an amazing wife and mother. Keep your chin up 💐

I’m with you! Honestly some of the people’s responses to this telling the man to pull his boot straps up are just unacceptable. We hate the manosphere but yet men are not allowed to feel.

This is just the start, don't be under the impression there can't be another woman. This screams "script ". They all follow it for some reason. Do some digging you'll find something. Sorry you're going through this

@ByPeppyKoala
bless you, you sound so lovely and as a family you and your DH have been through a lot xxx
call your surgery about DH’s depression and suicidal thoughts -
he sounds utterly burnt out, as I’m sure are you -
treat what is happening as a mental health emergency- because it is-
thinking of you x

You both must bear unimaginable pain as you continue to grieve for your daughter. I think you are immeasurably strong in the way that you are holding things together.

I don’t know how you will come through this, but I do know that I hope you can be a family again, a happy family. I’m sure I won’t be the only person reading this tonight who is in your corner.

I strongly disagree with this. I think it sounded like he was struggling badly with his MH from OPs very first post, let alone the updates.

OP, I hope his appointment goes well tomorrow. If it doesn't, please encourage him to speak to a different GP, sometimes you have to try more than once before someone really listens to what you need. I'd also speak to the boys school so they can have some extra support during this. Finally, please don't forget you - you need and deserve support too. If you can talk to friends/family, or your GP or other organisations to get support. I wish you all the best.

For the love of God, can a man not just be unwell? He's had suicidal thoughts, sometimes things are as they are, there is nothing else happening.

Just to say that I am sorry that this is all happening to you. The burden of parenting and the worry about your DH, on top of the losing your daughter must be unbearable, I cant imagine how you're putting one foot in front of the other. Great advice upthread on Early Help-I really hope it helps you xx

Affairs are rare, because for an affair to happen, a man needs to find two different women who are attracted to him. That is simply not true for the majority of men.

Men have mental health breakdowns. 2 of my family members have been through this. It's not at all difficult to understand how the loss of a child and feeling that you have to be strong to support your wife and remaining children until you reach breaking point has brought someone to suicidal thoughts and a final inability to cope.

I assume you have not read the OP's updates or the MNHQ comments. If you have your comment is disgusting.

Its the standard cribsheet response on here along with 'LTB'.

I honestly feel such immense sympathy for parents dealing with children with SEN. I can’t imagine how I’d actually cope. I don’t think I’d be strong enough mentally to deal with the constant difficulties which would be associated with looking after children in that situation. It must be so difficult, and maybe you’re one of life’s copers, or at least from your comments on here you seem to take it all in your stride, which is admirable. But maybe your DH is just not coping with it, and is just burnt out from it all. I know that doesn’t help you, and it could be seen as a selfish act that he’s just checked out, but maybe some sort of counselling could help. If he of course agrees to, and wants to, get help.

This sounds so hard.

My two kids are aged 12 and 9 and both probably have ADHD. Lots of meltdowns and life can feel very volatile and chaotic so you have sympathies. I too often feel jealous of people with calm children and also feel judged by them as mine just don't deal as well with many situations and then we're there causing a problem.

It's really really hard for my husband and I. We mostly get through it together but have both had periods of not coping too well. And we are lucky in so many ways, we have living space, money and family help. And it's still hard! And you have bereavement and another child to handle too.

I hope that you can find your husband the help he needs and that you can get through this together.

Does this 'script' include wanting to jump in front of trains? FFS, this place sometimes.

@ByPeppyKoala

I haven’t read the whole thread but my friends kids are ND similar ages and she found like you going to restaurant where you have sit down a nightmare but at the time they were not diagnosed

no one enjoyed it at all it was just pure stress for everyone

so rather than restaurants she made use of city and community farms for nice easy family meals out

kids were allowed to be noisy and no one would take any notice really

they often had cafes adventure playgrounds and they were cheap but also educational stuff with the animals and vegetable plots and stuff that her kids really took a interest in

one of them joins his grandad each week at his community allotment and he seems to much calmer and focused since doing this

pubs with big beer gardens and food that comes quick was her favourites as well
nothing worse waiting around for a meal and your kids are having meltdowns and you feel like you have to leave

places where you can have big picnics outside but in your own space

you will find what works for you and your boys especially now you know why they can act in a certain way
you will slowly understand what triggers them
and what calms them down

often men find it much harder to deal with ND being diagnosed for their kids than women no idea why this is the case

You have both been through a lot with your daughters death but if you can be still standing after that then you can both get through this

your husband was able to tell a friend and now you and together you can help each other it’s a massive thing for him to be able to tell someone - so many don’t have that

also look into applying for DLA for both of your kids ( ignore all the haters who say if your rich wealthy shouldn’t get it )

when you get that you will get access to a lot more help for them stuff that’s expensive to do like days out are hugely subsidized by your kids having DLA
so take every advantage of it for you your kids and your DH

But somehow..almost all women do.

No. Complete nonsense. We all have a breaking point. To suggest otherwise implies we are superhuman. We're not. And that's okay.

No one thinks men shouldn't feel or pull their boot straps up, I said it isn't the OPs responsibility to do that for her DH. He is the only one who can truly seek help and the OP has enough on her shoulders keeping the family together - the pp asked OP why she wasn't more concerned, why she wasn't doing more.

I feel dreadfully for him that he feels so low but he left her and the family to cope, he's not doing the parenting. She is and now she somehow has to manage him and his mental illness and persuade him to get help and go and get it for him? That burden is too much, he needs to go and get it for himself so he can be a great father for his children.

Yup. And women do walk out - there's been at least two on this thread who have done the same in similar MH crises - and women do kill themselves. And if women do cope better, it's because their pain is legitimised and they are culturally encouraged to have free expression of their emotions, unlike men, resulting in having more people to confide in. Completed suicide rates are much higher in men, quite possibly because they're not allowed to have emotions and they have fewer people to talk to.

I mean, this man has had difficulty stopping himself from jumping in front of trains, and you are still making misandrist comments that men can't cope as well as women? Some of the comments on this thread have been unbelievable.

Yes. I am in OP's corner!

Your belief that humans are rational actors, shows just how rational you are in you’re reasoning.

Yes I did. One story is an anecdote. Not data.

Leave him to it that’s just childish. Let him miss you and the kids. There’s nothing you can do. As mums we can hold a job be a domestic goddess’s look after kids and hold it all together and men can’t stand the chaos?
it’s just pure selfish. I hope you can manage financially and are able to hold fort without such a big kid. He needs to grow up and realise as a parent you can’t just walk out. And if there’s another woman involved then good riddance to the idiot. The best thing you can do is leave him to it. If he is with someone. She’s bound to do his head in and that’s when he will realise how good he had it with you because the more you try to work it out with these men the more they push back obviously there are some good ones out there. But enjoy being a single parent no fighting over kids decisions let the kids chill obviously be a bit strict as you need to but look after yourself put yourself first so that when he sees you he realises what an idiot I was. You need to love yourself first then everyone else. And your an amazing mother the kids need you. You did right by finishing them meal with the kids and not disturbing them. Kids will be kids you can’t throw a paddy when they’re just being themselves. Sorry to rant on I hope it works out for you x