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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

540 replies

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 11:40

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 19/04/2026 20:49

Peppykoala, just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are having to deal with so much. Although I myself haven't had a child pass away, my niece passed away aged 5 with a brain tumour, and it gave me some inkling, of the ongoing trauma and impact it has on all the family. That in and of itself is something many couples struggle to deal with.

Your two boys being diagnosed with ADHD is another seismic shift in your family. You're all struggling to adjust and adapt to this new reality.

It's really good that your husband has been able to open up to you and his friend, that's a horribly dark place he's in, and having been there myself, I sympathise so much. I hope very much he is open to going to his GP, and grabbing any and all help he can get with both hands. If you have private health insurance, we found it very useful for accessing counselling and therapy.

Finally, you are carrying all of this on your shoulders. I hope so much you have people who care for YOU, who will support you. Maybe think about going to the GP yourself? And getting some counselling for yourself? Be kind to yourself, you are having to deal with so much right now.

HollyIvie · 19/04/2026 20:51

I’m so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through. You and your husband have been through so much. Your GP is a good place to start for getting support. I hope u all find a way through to a better place.

Sparla · 19/04/2026 20:51

Has he ever engaged with support eg therapy or medication? I’ve not had the same experience with your daughter but can relate to the ADHD etc diagnosis and tough behaviour. I cope just about with depression and thoughts at train stations, but I’ve had loads of therapy and seem to cope. Receiving the diagnosis is hard and did result in a big dip. Autism is often diagnosed too and that was especially hard when it happened. Like me, he may be wondering if they inherited from him and feeling guilt and an identity crisis of his own. Parents with ADHD and/or ASD can find it hard to cope with children with those traits more so than others.

Keep the door open so he knows you care and can be a friend but don’t feel responsible for him, seeking help has to come from him. It’s good he’s told you and has a friend he’s opened up to. Next step is GP or therapy perhaps via his work if they have private health care. It will need to be long term and trying out a few to find the right approach. I found ACT much better than CBT and EMDR helps but can make it worse at times.

Johnsmithallenjones · 19/04/2026 20:59

@ByPeppyKoala

Oxfordshire County Council’s Team Around the Family (TAF) is an early help approach coordinated by the Family Solutions Service. It brings together professionals (schools, health, social care) to support children and families early to prevent needs from escalating. Families can access TAF via Early Help Assessment(EHA), supported by locality teams.

https://fisd.oxfordshire.gov.uk/kb5/oxfordshire/directory/service.page?id=UKRqPL4Gx1E

TAF really are brilliant. They were a massive support to one on my children and opened so many doors of additional support for them.

Family Solutions Service | Oxfordshire County Council

Early help and statutory support for children and families in Oxfordshire.

https://www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/children-and-families/childrens-services/early-help-childrens-services/family-solutions-service

raisinglittlepeople12 · 19/04/2026 20:59

OP, I have so much compassion for you.

Firstly, I’m so sorry about your daughter.

Raising ND children is also challenging- do you think it’s been passed down from either you or your husband?

You have both walked through hell. He’s tried to be so strong for his family and now he needs to be looked after. Telling you is so brave and it’s really important he knows that there are always other options.

can you seek support for your mental health at the same time?

Fends · 19/04/2026 21:00

Oh gosh. Such a lot of relevant info was missing from the OP that it’s not quite as simple as your standard affair script. Sounded that way at first but I take back my initial thoughts tbh

Londonrach1 · 19/04/2026 21:02

Something else is worrying him. He gone ott due to this . However, the boys at that age should be behaving at a restaurant unless special needs.

Shoppingmakesmehappy · 19/04/2026 21:04

I have nothing to add but just wanted to send my thoughts to you this is an awful time for you all and I really hope he gets the help he needs. X

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/04/2026 21:04

Beachwalker66 · 19/04/2026 11:54

I would be looking for OW. 💐

How is that helpful and what difference does it make at this point?

PunnyPlumPanda · 19/04/2026 21:06

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 16:48

I called him because he wanted to speak to the boys, but I said we also needed to talk properly about what has been going on, why he has been acting differently and why he has walked out on us.

He told me he has been struggling with his mental health and has been having suicidal thoughts. We live in Oxford and he travels into London for work when he needs to. He said that over the past month or so, during those train journeys, he has found himself thinking about jumping in front of a train. Just before the Easter holidays there was one day where he felt very close to actually doing it.
On that day he saw a friend at the station. He opened up to him about everything, how he had been feeling, what he had been thinking, and the pressure at home, including everything going on with the children and the recent ND diagnosis of 2 of our boys. His friend decided not to go into work and came back to our house with him. They had a cup of tea and talked things through. I was working in the office that day so I was not there, and his friend stayed until I got home. At the time I did not think much of it.

Apparently back in March he got to his station he has to take a tube to his office once he gets into London and he just sat the station. He asked me to meet him that day and take the day off work for ‘child care emergency’ which I did and met him at the station 2 or so hours later, we went and go food. He didn’t seem off just said he wanted to spend time with me in london. Turns out it was because he was to scared to go down to the tube platforms and knew that he wouldn’t do anything ‘silly’ if I was there with him.

My husband did text me because we have a Ring doorbell so he knew I would see he had come back. He said he felt unwell, had decided to work from home, and had bumped into his friend at the station. He made it sound like a normal coffee and chat about work, as they are in the same industry.
I am going to pick him up later this evening as he is currently staying at the house we are trying to sell.

I did not even know how to respond when he told me all of this. I feel sad for him and sad for our family. A couple of years ago we were so happy, even though we were trying to understand our children and often felt like we were getting it wrong as parents. It feels like everything has changed so quickly.

What I am struggling with is that from the outside he has everything, and I think he cannot get his head around why he feels so unhappy. He says he has been feeling like this for a while but does not want to hurt me or the children. He says he feels angry all the time, does not understand why, and feels very ashamed.

I also feel hurt and frustrated. I wish he had talked to me instead of walking out. Even when things have gone wrong, like the incident in France when he lost his temper and left to go back to the hotel, I would still have wanted him there. Even if the mood was ruined, I would have appreciated the support of having him with us rather than dealing with it on my own.

Edited

This is so incredibly sad

i just wanted to send my love to you xxx

Johnsmithallenjones · 19/04/2026 21:08

Londonrach1 · 19/04/2026 21:02

Something else is worrying him. He gone ott due to this . However, the boys at that age should be behaving at a restaurant unless special needs.

READ.THE.UPDATES.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/04/2026 21:09

Londonrach1 · 19/04/2026 21:02

Something else is worrying him. He gone ott due to this . However, the boys at that age should be behaving at a restaurant unless special needs.

Their other child died.
Their boys have special needs.
In summary, the boys have seen their sister die; the parents have seen their daughter die.

How do you expect them to act?
Got any other brilliant observations to offer?

If it were me, I'd be on my knees scream crying. But, I'd be OTT, I guess.

thestudio · 19/04/2026 21:09

lornad00m · 19/04/2026 14:50

He sounds burnt out.

Pressure at work?? 'Chaos' at home.

Not everyone has the same ability to cope with long term stress.

It doesn't sound like he's rejecting you...it's the family dynamic that he seems to be struggling with atm.

Not everyone has the same ability to cope with long term stress.

But somehow..
almost all women do.

BonfireNight1993 · 19/04/2026 21:10

Not sure if you're still reading but I'm pouring you a metaphorical glass of wine. What a fucking lot. I'm so sorry.

Horses7 · 19/04/2026 21:10

Please ignore my early reply - I now believe your H needs prompt professional help and a lot of support from you, his family and friends, Make sure your boys know enough to support him too. This now sounds very serious.
I wish you all well.

vickylou78 · 19/04/2026 21:12

Op I hope you are doing ok and I hope your husband is ok. Ive read all your posts and it does seem you've all been through a lot with your daughter and recent sons diagnosis and he's just hit the last straw for him and he's had a breakdown. I hope he can get the help he needs, and you can work through it together. All the best.

Please ignore people's comments on your parenting. They don't know you or your children. This isn't anything you've done wrong. This is just situations which are really hard and have hit your husband hard and sometimes we can't take any more.

loislovesstewie · 19/04/2026 21:12

I suspect the OP isn't returning, because some have been less than helpful , shall we say. However I just want to make the point that carers need someone to care for them. That was made clear to me when I was struggling. We all need a person who will care, who will give us a hug, do something practical for us,listen to the worries. If you have such a one in real life please lean on them, take offers of help, because people do want to help, and if there are any Carers groups in your area, give them a try.
Sending you a hug and kind thoughts.

Original poster
ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 21:13

Johnsmithallenjones · 19/04/2026 20:59

@ByPeppyKoala

Oxfordshire County Council’s Team Around the Family (TAF) is an early help approach coordinated by the Family Solutions Service. It brings together professionals (schools, health, social care) to support children and families early to prevent needs from escalating. Families can access TAF via Early Help Assessment(EHA), supported by locality teams.

https://fisd.oxfordshire.gov.uk/kb5/oxfordshire/directory/service.page?id=UKRqPL4Gx1E

TAF really are brilliant. They were a massive support to one on my children and opened so many doors of additional support for them.

Thank you so much. Will take a look into this xx

OP posts:
saamantha19881 · 19/04/2026 21:14

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 19:04

Our daughter passed away from leukaemia aged 5

Show quote history

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it has been hard since he walked out and you are understandably hurt that he didn't open up to you. But, grief is not rational or logical. He has opened up now. Try to use this as an opportunity to keep the communication channels open and help each other through. And try to get professional help. But, be kind to yourself. This sounds like the last thing you needed right now. It sounds like you need some self care. Maybe some time off work or a massage or whatever helps you unwind. He may be hurting, but that doesn't mean you aren't too xx

bellhawk · 19/04/2026 21:14

That is so tough - you have all been through a lot. I hope you can get some support for your husband and also feel more at ease yourself. It may not feel it now, but it will get easier.

vickylou78 · 19/04/2026 21:15

Ps. I agree with another poster - please accept help from family or friends to support you through this too. And if you are feeling wobbly please speak with your GP.

lornad00m · 19/04/2026 21:20

I've just read your updates.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. My condolences on your loss. 💐

Your husband needs help. He reached out to someone. The fact that it wasn't you is irrelevant. Please see it as a positive rather than a negative. This could be the start of a healing process if he's encouraged to seek some form of professional intervention. It's a journey. And he'll need time to work through it.

I hope you have people you can lean on in the meantime. Friends? Family? God knows I think you deserve some support. I wish you and your family all the best for the future.

AmpleSwan · 19/04/2026 21:24

I think you sound like a wonderful mum who is doing her best in very tough circumstances and your husband sounds lke a good man who is struggling. Depression can drive you to isolate yourself from your loved ones so please don't take it personally that he didn't open up to you. It robs you of rational decision making and can make you feel like you would be poisoning those you care about by sharing. If you feel up to it, it might be useful to have a discussion with him about what marriage means to you, that you are a team and want to support him but you need honesty back. I think it's common when a couple have been through immense trauma that they can end up plodding along together but quite able to voice their feelings to each other in an attempt to stop the other feeling bad. For him this has become depression for you it might look like passivity or numbing. Did you ever approach therapy as a couple following the death of your daughter?

moderate · 19/04/2026 21:24

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 11:40

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

What a tragic situation. My immediate thought was how dare he decide unilaterally that you need to double your efforts on the things he’s decided he can’t cope with. Then having learned of his suicidal thoughts I can see the conundrum but TBH if he hasn’t already started intensive therapy then he is still completely abrogating his responsibilities.

Whatdotheyknow · 19/04/2026 21:26

I am so sorry for all you have been through and all you are going through. I can’t begin to understand but my husband struggles with his mental health and I struggle with the knock on impact. You sound like you are doing amazingly.
I hope things begin to get better for you your DH and your boys whatever that looks like 💐