Page 19 | AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

ByPeppyKoala · 2026-04-19T10:40:34+00:00

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together. Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else. For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening. Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel. I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant. After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke. Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left. No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done. I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away. AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do. **Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post. **

ChamonixMountainBum · 19/04/2026 22:18

S4m · 19/04/2026 22:16

Leave him to it that’s just childish. Let him miss you and the kids. There’s nothing you can do. As mums we can hold a job be a domestic goddess’s look after kids and hold it all together and men can’t stand the chaos?
it’s just pure selfish. I hope you can manage financially and are able to hold fort without such a big kid. He needs to grow up and realise as a parent you can’t just walk out. And if there’s another woman involved then good riddance to the idiot. The best thing you can do is leave him to it. If he is with someone. She’s bound to do his head in and that’s when he will realise how good he had it with you because the more you try to work it out with these men the more they push back obviously there are some good ones out there. But enjoy being a single parent no fighting over kids decisions let the kids chill obviously be a bit strict as you need to but look after yourself put yourself first so that when he sees you he realises what an idiot I was. You need to love yourself first then everyone else. And your an amazing mother the kids need you. You did right by finishing them meal with the kids and not disturbing them. Kids will be kids you can’t throw a paddy when they’re just being themselves. Sorry to rant on I hope it works out for you x

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Aaaaaand we have another one.

SingleSexSpacesInSchools · 19/04/2026 22:20

S4m · 19/04/2026 22:16

Leave him to it that’s just childish. Let him miss you and the kids. There’s nothing you can do. As mums we can hold a job be a domestic goddess’s look after kids and hold it all together and men can’t stand the chaos?
it’s just pure selfish. I hope you can manage financially and are able to hold fort without such a big kid. He needs to grow up and realise as a parent you can’t just walk out. And if there’s another woman involved then good riddance to the idiot. The best thing you can do is leave him to it. If he is with someone. She’s bound to do his head in and that’s when he will realise how good he had it with you because the more you try to work it out with these men the more they push back obviously there are some good ones out there. But enjoy being a single parent no fighting over kids decisions let the kids chill obviously be a bit strict as you need to but look after yourself put yourself first so that when he sees you he realises what an idiot I was. You need to love yourself first then everyone else. And your an amazing mother the kids need you. You did right by finishing them meal with the kids and not disturbing them. Kids will be kids you can’t throw a paddy when they’re just being themselves. Sorry to rant on I hope it works out for you x

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You need to read the whole thread.

lanadelgrey · 19/04/2026 22:22

can you both call in sick and get to GP and call social services. A separate appt for you may also help unlock some help for you all as individuals within a family that has a lot of stress and a terrible loss 💐

JennyForeigner · 19/04/2026 22:22

lornad00m · 19/04/2026 22:02

But somehow..almost all women do.

No. Complete nonsense. We all have a breaking point. To suggest otherwise implies we are superhuman. We're not. And that's okay.

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You seem to have missed structural oppression and the patriarchy. We all have a breaking point - and woman are societally expected to push past ours and keep on pushing, because someone has to make sure the kids are fed, right? Someone has to keep the kids safe.

Where every part of the playing field is uneven, mental health is also part of that.

Fairy25 · 19/04/2026 22:25

Big hugs to you. This is totally unfair and unacceptable. And he is probably having an affair or some sort of breakdown. It’s a very selfish move imo…where does that leave you. I hope you have some help and support from friends and family. I also have 3 boys and it is very hard at times and it sounds like you are a great mum.

OverheardBreakup · 19/04/2026 22:29

@S4m I mean, you’ve even quoted to whole opening post which LITERALLY SAYS READ ALL UPDATES. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hohumitsreallyallthereis · 19/04/2026 22:30

The thing is that if he’s in mental health crisis he will honestly think he’s doing the right thing by leaving the house.

My Dad, in a different situation did some that seems insane and also selfish. That was the holy shit moment though and he got the help he needed. Turned out he was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. He is now doing well after individual, couples and family counseling and also medication.

Im glad you and your husband are getting some support now, and I’m sorry for your loss.

Franjipanl8r · 19/04/2026 22:32

I’m so sorry to hear he’s been having suicidal thoughts for a while. This is a mental health crisis, he isn’t just stressed or sad. He needs prompt professional help. Could you try and call your local MH crisis team tomorrow?

If he’s happy to hide this from you, will he open up to the GP? Can you go to the appointment with him?

JennyForeigner · 19/04/2026 22:35

I also wanted to say I am sorry for you both OP, and so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hope things work out so that you also have the care and support you deserve. Wishing you all the best.

Carpedementia · 19/04/2026 22:41

Sending you a handhold OP it sounds like both of you have been doing your very best for your children for such a long time . loosing your little girl must be such huge grief to carry. perhaps that is at the root of all of this. I am so very sorry and can only imagine the pain. Sending you big warm well wishes and s@d the judgemental posters on here. I hope things get better for you and your DH asap

Strangecat · 19/04/2026 22:52

Why are you guys attacking op about her « parenthood »!?? if you are not a mum of ND children, please keep quiet!!
Op - I hope your hubby gets the help he needs. Hopefully once the GP prescribes him some anti-depressants he will feel better.. although it takes a good 2 weeks to kick in. Also, explore the idea of seeing a psychologist. The support from the family is paramount to getting better.
Good luck!

ForCosyLion · 19/04/2026 22:54

S4m · 19/04/2026 22:16

Leave him to it that’s just childish. Let him miss you and the kids. There’s nothing you can do. As mums we can hold a job be a domestic goddess’s look after kids and hold it all together and men can’t stand the chaos?
it’s just pure selfish. I hope you can manage financially and are able to hold fort without such a big kid. He needs to grow up and realise as a parent you can’t just walk out. And if there’s another woman involved then good riddance to the idiot. The best thing you can do is leave him to it. If he is with someone. She’s bound to do his head in and that’s when he will realise how good he had it with you because the more you try to work it out with these men the more they push back obviously there are some good ones out there. But enjoy being a single parent no fighting over kids decisions let the kids chill obviously be a bit strict as you need to but look after yourself put yourself first so that when he sees you he realises what an idiot I was. You need to love yourself first then everyone else. And your an amazing mother the kids need you. You did right by finishing them meal with the kids and not disturbing them. Kids will be kids you can’t throw a paddy when they’re just being themselves. Sorry to rant on I hope it works out for you x

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For the love of God read the OP's updates.

ForCosyLion · 19/04/2026 22:57

Carpedementia · 19/04/2026 22:41

Sending you a handhold OP it sounds like both of you have been doing your very best for your children for such a long time . loosing your little girl must be such huge grief to carry. perhaps that is at the root of all of this. I am so very sorry and can only imagine the pain. Sending you big warm well wishes and s@d the judgemental posters on here. I hope things get better for you and your DH asap

Yes, I can't imagine losing a child. Am so, so sorry for OP. Life must never be the same again after you lose a little one.

sandyrose · 19/04/2026 23:00

He’s struggling and from experience he will probably be thinking along the lines of you’re all better off without him. He needs urgent support, and you also need support.

Have you had bereavement counselling? It sounds like it will have been very difficult to process the trauma you have been through with such a busy family life re two ADHD children.

He probably isn’t in a place to organise GP visits and counselling himself due to how he is feeling, so it may be that you will have to drive this. Is there any family that you can reach out for support at home with the practical side?

Pocahontasandme · 19/04/2026 23:01

I’m so very sorry OP. I’ve been like your husband. Some people are just very sensitive and become overwhelmed by life. I hope you’re being looked after by yourself or friends and family xxx

MyOtherProfile · 19/04/2026 23:10

Goodness you both have had so much to deal with. I hope the TAf can help and also that your DH can get good support.

I'm sorry you've had so much flack on this thread. I guess it makes some people feel better about themselves.

Thinking of you all.

CotswoldsCamilla · 19/04/2026 23:25

Swiftie1878 · 19/04/2026 17:01

My initial thought was DEFINITELY another woman. Then the OP wrote about his suicide ideation and calling her to prevent himself from killing himself in a tube station 😳
My question is, why on earth did you not get him professional help, like, IMMEDIATELY?! Why just then carry on like everything is OK?!

They talk about reaching out for help when your mental health is tanking. He has! Twice, at least!! And everyone has just had a cup of tea or some food and moved on!

This man needs help. NOW.

I think part of your post was a bit harsh. His friend possibly saved OP’s husband’s life that day. He took the day off work himself and stayed with her husband until the OP came home from work. He’s a bit of a hero really.

OP, I hope your husband gets the help he needs. It sounds like you’ve both been through some very tough times as parents. You could also probably do with some counselling yourself.

ThreeLocusts · 19/04/2026 23:29

OP I'm sorry about all you've been and still are going through, including the judgment on this thread.

It's good that your DH has opened up. I hope you both get the help you need, and your boys too. Will light a candle and think of you.🌸

ConstantlyUndecided · 19/04/2026 23:40

I've been there and felt the temptation to walk away. Not because I didn't love my family dearly, but because I thought I was useless and couldn't cope. I got help and have been much better. Parenting nd children is no joke. I'm struggling again at the moment but now I know the signs. Years of mental exhaustion gets you down. I hope he gets the help he needs. Take care of yourself too.

Flightyflora · 20/04/2026 00:27

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 16:48

I called him because he wanted to speak to the boys, but I said we also needed to talk properly about what has been going on, why he has been acting differently and why he has walked out on us.

He told me he has been struggling with his mental health and has been having suicidal thoughts. We live in Oxford and he travels into London for work when he needs to. He said that over the past month or so, during those train journeys, he has found himself thinking about jumping in front of a train. Just before the Easter holidays there was one day where he felt very close to actually doing it.
On that day he saw a friend at the station. He opened up to him about everything, how he had been feeling, what he had been thinking, and the pressure at home, including everything going on with the children and the recent ND diagnosis of 2 of our boys. His friend decided not to go into work and came back to our house with him. They had a cup of tea and talked things through. I was working in the office that day so I was not there, and his friend stayed until I got home. At the time I did not think much of it.

Apparently back in March he got to his station he has to take a tube to his office once he gets into London and he just sat the station. He asked me to meet him that day and take the day off work for ‘child care emergency’ which I did and met him at the station 2 or so hours later, we went and go food. He didn’t seem off just said he wanted to spend time with me in london. Turns out it was because he was to scared to go down to the tube platforms and knew that he wouldn’t do anything ‘silly’ if I was there with him.

My husband did text me because we have a Ring doorbell so he knew I would see he had come back. He said he felt unwell, had decided to work from home, and had bumped into his friend at the station. He made it sound like a normal coffee and chat about work, as they are in the same industry.
I am going to pick him up later this evening as he is currently staying at the house we are trying to sell.

I did not even know how to respond when he told me all of this. I feel sad for him and sad for our family. A couple of years ago we were so happy, even though we were trying to understand our children and often felt like we were getting it wrong as parents. It feels like everything has changed so quickly.

What I am struggling with is that from the outside he has everything, and I think he cannot get his head around why he feels so unhappy. He says he has been feeling like this for a while but does not want to hurt me or the children. He says he feels angry all the time, does not understand why, and feels very ashamed.

I also feel hurt and frustrated. I wish he had talked to me instead of walking out. Even when things have gone wrong, like the incident in France when he lost his temper and left to go back to the hotel, I would still have wanted him there. Even if the mood was ruined, I would have appreciated the support of having him with us rather than dealing with it on my own.

Edited

Firstly sorry for your loss of your daughter .

You are talking a lot about dealing with the diagnosis of two of your boys , but not about the impact of losing your daughter . You don’t say how long ago , how old the boys were , how they are dealing with the loss and how you and your husband have been .

“What I am struggling with is that from the outside he has everything, and I think he cannot get his head around why he feels so unhappy.”

i think it’s more than the diagnosis . The unhappiness surely has roots in the loss of your daughter . Did you and he get any counselling, support for the children.

A friend of mine lost her child ten years ago. She has other children who she loves . She hides it from them but says to me she is broken and life will never be the same and she will never feel quite the same happiness. Of course she has happiness . Day to day she has happiness. Her children are adults. They all speak and remember their sibling with their mother and father . But there is a gap deep down.

im saying this because your loss will have an impact . The focus is on the diagnosis . But what about the loss.

Whettlettuce · 20/04/2026 00:31

ChamonixMountainBum · 19/04/2026 21:58

Does this 'script' include wanting to jump in front of trains? FFS, this place sometimes.

Edited

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Yes ,if the double life is too much to deal
with . "This place ". What's that comment for ?

lornad00m · 20/04/2026 00:33

JennyForeigner · 19/04/2026 22:22

You seem to have missed structural oppression and the patriarchy. We all have a breaking point - and woman are societally expected to push past ours and keep on pushing, because someone has to make sure the kids are fed, right? Someone has to keep the kids safe.

Where every part of the playing field is uneven, mental health is also part of that.

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'woman are societally expected to push past ours and keep on pushing,'

As are men. When it comes to mental health, they can also be victims of the patriarchy. They account for around 80% of all suicides.

OPTIMUMMY · 20/04/2026 00:34

please ignore all the posts from people who haven’t read the full thread.

You’ve had to go through an absolutely horrific time, and it’s still going - take the support from here but not the criticism - you’ve more than enough on your plate and are a Hero for getting up every day and doing your best. It won’t always be like this. Your DH needs help and it sounds like he will now get it. Your children will settle in time too - you all need help and time to heal, give yourself grace xx

BootMaker · 20/04/2026 00:44

ByPeppyKoala · 19/04/2026 13:00

I know where he is and he has spoken to the kids everyday since he left. He has not cut them off completely at least as of yet.

There’s a lot of assumptions being made from my post maybe I wasn’t specific enough but I don’t think he’s abandoning his children.

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Darling, whatever the reason, that man HAS abandoned his children.

If the headline he's given you is exactly the reason he's gone that is a direct abandonment.

'I Can't cope' is abandonment.

Whether this is classic 'A N Other'

Or just general dickheadry, that man HAS abandoned his children.

And you.

BootMaker · 20/04/2026 00:58

Ah @ByPeppyKoala I'm the dickhead that doesn't read updates.

OK, that's a lot. Did you both have therapy after your daughter died? Or was it straight into ADHD chaos?

That's so much to deal with.

OH @ByPeppyKoala I hope you have support, it's not ok that your husband has checked out because he can't cope, you both need help here. He doesn't get to bugger off, what about you? I guess you're just soldiering on, because you don't have the option to chuck yourself under a train.

And whilst I have some sympathy for your husband's MH struggles given everything that's gone and is going on, I still find it very selfish that he's opening up to friends and not to you,his wife that he a shared grief with, these things need to be spoken about, always and often.

He doesn't get to check out, he has to accept that he's struggling and needs help. How does he think it would affect you all if he did decide that the train track was the most attractive option? How would that leave you and his sons?