AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

Yes. Parents don't always have much idea how their children experienced their childhood.

What does she do for a living and how is she able to move freely within Europe as a British citizen since 2018 , or is she sponsored for work ? Not trying to worry you OP but I read a book called Trafficked a few years ago about a British girl who was sex trafficked from one European country to another by a foreign boyfriend who tricked her into travelling abroad with him ostensibly ‘on holiday’ then took her passport off her and controlled her . I appreciate your daughter moved for uni initially. Is she living a life you wouldn’t approve of or is it possible she’s being controlled by somebody and that’s why she keeps her distance. I really hope you think I’m being ridiculous but it’s not as unusual as you might think, particularly women being stuck in controlling relationships. Otherwise I agree with others that there may be issues in her past which have led her to make this choice to be LC/NC. Tell her how you feel and see what response you get. I don’t think it’s unusual or outrageous that you visited her unannounced you must be very worried and her behaviour is concerning.

Are you quite sure she’s okay? I’d actually be really worried.

I don't have a great relationship with my parents (due to childhood shit they claim didn't happen) and live in another country, but they wouldn't dream of visiting unannounced unless they thought I was dead. Even then they'd contact local police first.

She doesn't want contact and doesn't want to tell you why. Perhaps you could get some therapy for yourself.

OP who are you trying to convince that there was nothing wrong in her childhood? Why bring it up?

You sound indeed overbearing and tone deaf. You need to respect her boundaries and accept that she doesn't owe you a certain version of a relationship you have in mind. You need to manage your own feelings around this. You need to go and learn about seeing and accepting boundaries.

Don't be coming here saying you were all perfect. It is bizarre to me that you wouldn't leave open the possibility that you may have overstepped and hurt your daughter in ways you may not realise.

I think the turning up unannounced really didn't help, and I can sympathise with her and understand why it has made her very cautious. The more you push someone, the more awkward they find it, so it's much better just to back off.
This young woman clearly has a wonderful life; she needs to be allowed to enjoy it.

@gamerchick
is it?

Im really sorry about this situation op.
Before you posted about anorexia, i was actually going to suggest she could be hiding something from you such as ed, addiction, working as an escort, being gay or a toxic relationship.
Try messaging her saying you would be supportive no mattet what, that you are sorry if you have upset her, you are worried and need to hear from her.
I get why you turned up.unannounced, id consider a private detective for saftey reasons

Wow. That is some judgemental sh*t.

Oh, you are THAT parent?

Lots of people travel around but most people are looking for somewhere to settle for a few years at least to build friendships and to have a sense of belonging.

The combination of keeping you distant and moving around all the time sounds worrying.

All you can do is have a single conversation over the phone to say you miss her and would love to see her and hear from her more and that you’re always there for her if she ever needs anything. And leave it at that, sadly there’s nothing else you can do.

I wonder if there’s something you’re missing if you think it’s ok to turn up unannounced to visit someone who clearly wants their independence. It’s really rough though, I’m sorry.

Do you still live in the place that your DD grew up? Are you the type to post on facebook or share with acquaintances where your daughter is living? Did you Strava last time you visited her? I work with people fleeing situations and whilst they may not tell their parents the reason they may not want to be found by others that live local to you.

I'm sorry to hear this. She may have convinced herself that something was wrong with her childhood and you were awful. You'll have loads of people telling you that no one would ghost their parents for no reason. I would have said the same until it happened to me.

My heart broke when it happened, I haven't felt as low about anything else in my life. For my own sanity I stepped away, and since then she's sort of come back. No explanation or apology or taking back any of the hurtful things said (i.e. "You're a really horrible person so I don't want to be around you"). But hey parents are meant to just welcome kids with open arms even when they've treated you like shit. I couldn't cut her off when she's sought out a relationship with me.

Just putting it out there, is there a chance she doesn't want you to know her address due to some sort of shame about where she lives?
When I went to London in my early 20s, I was actually embarrassed about some of the places I ended up as it was all I could get/afford at the time. My parents knew the area but I didn't want to reveal the address. I was trying to protect my pride more than anything.

I think her response sounds a bit of a weak excuse, if you said you will not show up unannounced again, that should be enough. It's not like you made a habit of it.

She doesn't want to be in contact with you. That's all.

You can ask her why but she'll only tell you if you genuinely want to understand and perhaps make amends for whatever it is she thinks you did.

If you go into it defensively saying that's not true, that's not what happened, you won't see her for dust.

It's always the way. Parents have no clue what they've done wrong. They always provided for her. She could always quit the high pressure sport. They fully supported her. They did nothing wrong.

Maybe have a think about that.

These links might help:

https://archive.ph/H4O7r. Parents of Estranged Adult Children: Are They Really Clueless?

https://archive.ph/XRrH3. I Find It Hard To Trust Parents Of Estranged Children

I don't understand how people can come to the conclusion that it must have been something OP has done.
If OP knew what it was, why would they come on here asking for advice?
I'm sure OP has questioned herself and scrutinised their history over and over again, but has clearly come up with a blank.

Imo, it is unspeakably cruel to sever a relationship with a close family member and never even tell them why.
Even if you simply message them to tell them you are cutting them off and your reasons, and then immediately block them on all platforms!
At least you have done the decent thing then, rather than been responsible for someone going insane trying to work out why.
Even criminals aren't treated like that.
If you commit a serious crime, it is made abundantly clear why you are being separated from your family, via being imprisoned.
But apparently, it's ok to sever a relationship with your parents and never give them even one reason.
What if the child has misunderstood something?
How hard is it to message someone to say you don't want any further contact because xyz.
Do the people who cut their family members off with no explanation understand the devastation they leave in their wake? Or do they just not care?
And if my child can reduce their feelings towards me to a level where they feel absolutely no compassion for my torture, then they are not the people I thought they were and it's probably for the best in the long run that they are not in my life.

Turning up unannounced could be seen as strange but I am guessing that might be fuelled by the fact that OP hadn’t seen or heard from DD for ages and was worried. And if history of anorexia that might add to the worry of not wanting family to see her. Also many families seem to think popping in unannounced is fine if you live closer, is this any different?

Not sure it’s obviously something to do with OP as DD seems to need to move away from everybody including past partners, literally moves countries

I'd ask her why she isn't keeping in touch, why she isn't telling you when she moves cities/countries, and why she doesn't want to see you.

You may not like the answer. but at least you'll know.

This is soul crushing OP and I’m very very sad this how the relationship with your DD has evolved.

parenting is such a thin edge isn’t it? I married the wrong person but I divorced him. My dc couldn’t. They had a tricky not quite chaotic childhood with him but he is a very very high earner and that has definetly smoothed the path and made it easier for him to be shit one minute and generous the next. I very much regret marrying him and subjecting my children to that dad. I still
worry about how my dc see me and what I did or don’t do during their childhood.

fortunately I am very close to dd 27 who lives 8!hrs away and DS 24 who lives 3
hrs away. it sounds like you tried to meet up with her rather than knocked on her door from your original post. A parent would do this if they were worried or just desperately trying to open up some communication .

I too thought she had a secret or secret life and is not ready to share. My cousin did this for years. Finally at 50 he “came out” as gay. I mean the rest of us got divorced and had children before marriage and had interfaith marriages and all kinds of stuff our families “didn’t approve of” but he couldn’t tell his parents. Tragic really. He’s out and definetly proud now thankfully.

I personally know 2 moms whose children were unreachable and in both instances when the mom just went to their house they were in dire straights. They went because they had a deep seated fear something was wrong. Both instances they were a bit younger than your dd…late hidden pregnancy without prenatal care and dire dire living situationship with drug use and sex work to fund it. The young mom and child are ok now the drug user is deceased.

I do understand you just showing up

showing up unannounced was a bit mad and makes me wonder if you are generally overbearing? apologies if I have got that totally wrong and it was an out of character move.

i also wondered if she went to boarding school. sometimes families like that do drift apart later in life, from my own experience of that background.

also the big sibling age gap - did she do a lot of babysitting and caring for the younger siblings? gen z really hate that. they call it “parentification of kids”, there are tonnes of instagram reels about it.

this is all just guesswork of course. it does sound like she is annoyed and wants some distance, unfortunately.

How old is ds?

Like all the horrible husbands who are utterly surprised when their wives leave them. Because they just ignored everything said wives said about being unhappy. (My DM said I never told her I was unhappy. Well, I got into fights at school and had disciplinary issues all the time. I think it counts as "telling" when you're a child...)

Parents can do nothing right these days.
Very sad situation.
I feel for you OP, there's nothing much you can do. Just keep the lines of communication open, she will get in touch one day.