AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

@Forgotthebins I suppose I think of relationships in terms of how I would want to be treated/how I'd want my children to be treated and vice versa.

If someone didn't keep in touch, ignored my phone calls and texts, and generally avoided me, I'd be hurt. I wouldn't want my DD and DS to be treated like that by anyone either. Every family is different though and my children are likely to tell me exactly why they're distancing themselves and what needs to happen to repair the relationship. They have no problem confronting issues or telling me off!

Their daughter is recovering from anorexia, which is very traumatic as you say and perhaps she can't tell them why she's being so distant. It would be good if she could though, because the silence/distance is awful, it's like a punishment for her parents.

Wow this is nasty

Think of it as tough love ❣️

Wow. Comedy. You're making up a whole backstory.

wow

how?

She has told us that she ghosted them, at age 50, because she didn't like them and didn't find them interesting. And that "being selfish is my superpower".

It actually sounded like a likely explanation to me. She herself proudly declared herself to be selfish after all.

OP girls don’t get anorexia for no reason. Your ‘not going without’ sounds a bit like ‘but we took you to stately homes’. Which is pretty much the child was in a situation with no control. You sound still controlling dressed up as concern. If she doesn’t want to share her address then you need to respect that.

@HappyNooYear
This isn’t a very empathetic post. Teens and young adults can have all sort of mental health issues and they are not always the fault of the parent.

It’s hardly controlling to want to know where your DC lives or how your DC is doing.

Thats not control, that’s normal family relationships. Are we all so removed from what’s ‘normal’ that we think this is ok?

I hope the OP is long gone, because this thread is grossly unfair

Agreed. My almost 18 yo dd thinks I’m controlling about everything. Just a few things in the last week... For getting her to do her own washing (started at Easter), for insisting she cleans her own ensuite (part of the deal before she moved bedrooms), trying to get her to go downstairs to get her own breakfast (makeup and appearance is all that counts, anorexic), for refusing to drop her at the bus stop 2 minutes away (I told her 2 months ago I wouldn’t do this anymore and if she misses it, she can take the normal bus, which comes 10 minutes later and stops outside her school - she won’t - or pay for an uber, she is year 13), for suggesting that she might want to have a lesson with her driving instructor in the instructor’s car tomorrow if hers isn’t fixed - I was trying to explain this would be a good idea in case something happens with hers as back up on test day, wanting to teach her the basics of adulting - budgeting, meal planning etc. Controlling. Controlling. Controlling.

And in case I have snark from the way I’m approaching this, I’m having specialist advice on exactly how to word things with dd to be the least inflammatory possible. She just cannot see anything from my perspective.

Withholding her address from the OP is very hurtful. No doubt OP is expected to be permanently welcoming toward her daughter if daughter wants to come home for a holiday or for longer (if she has money troubles, for instance). I expect the daughter stores some of her things in OP's home. Yet OP isn't allowed even to know where her daughter lives. When a child becomes an adult, I feel that there should be some level of equality in the relationship. It shouldn't be 100% the parent giving and 100% the adult child taking. This is a very new phenomenon, surely?