AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

Have you actually asked her straight out "is something wrong, DD, because we feel as if you are trying to shut us out. It isn't normal to not even be told when your daughter has moved to a different city! Are you upset with us in some way?"

Do you other children have any insight? Are they also being shut out?

We have asked, but not recently. She just replied nothing is wrong, I just like my independence, it’s not always about you!

She doesn’t talk to her sister at all, but her sister is 7 years younger and was only 11 when DD left. She has DS on her social media but she hasn’t seen him since Easter 2024 either.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. But not really sure what you can do to change things.

I would probably acknowledge her feelings regarding you turning up unannounced, and perhaps ask if there is a work address or post box service that you can use to send her cards and presents. I would probably tell her that you miss her and would love to catch up with her properly soon, but reiterate that you understand that she is busy so are happy to work with her availability. Does she like to travel? Is there somewhere she would like to go that you could perhaps agree to meet at for a weekend? Perhaps neutral ground would be more appealing to her.

I would keep communication open with her, in the hope that if there is an issue she will know that you are there for her and turn to you.

If you had to be brutally honest with yourself, what happened in her childhood that might have resulted in this?

Yes, something has happened. She is almost nc with you all.

Clearly something happened in childhood that she doesn’t want a relationship with you guys. Sorry op but you need to dig deep and think back. This doesn’t just happen out of the blue.

There will 💯 be a reason. Ask but you need to be fully prepared to listen.

There must be more to this story. People don’t cut contact with their parents for no reason. Her reaction to her grandmother’s death is utterly bizarre.

With the big age gap between her sister - was she the oldest and maybe from a different relationship to her siblings ? Could this be an issue ?

This is indeed very odd and not usual behaviour. Have you tried asking her ‘are you cutting contact with us?’ ‘Can we talk about this? Is there anything I can do to rebuild trust?’
I would agree about asking siblings if they know anything.

Sorry misread no sibling with a relationship to ask. No one else in the family or a friend who is in more touch with her?

Does she have the same father as the other two?

I don’t agree that ‘something must have happened in childhood’. I was (they have passed away now) close to my parents and went to uni abroad. After that I settled in another country. I really didn’t give my parents a second though. This was before the internet so our communication was mostly via letters. I went home most Christmases though, but still, I was happily independent and didn’t really miss my family. Eventually I got married and my parents retired half the time in the same country, so I saw them more frequently then.
Bit they had also gone to another country from their parents. I think I saw my grandparents once or twice. I did see my aunts/uncles more, but like once a year or even every other year.
What I mean to say is your daughter is forging her own path. This does not include you. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, but more that she is not thinking about how her behaviour is making you feel. She may well be shocked to know you are sad and miss her. She does sound rather self centred, but I don’t think it’s anything you’ve done (barring any info you’ve left out).

You probably know this @Lowenn but just turning up to see her was probably the worst idea. If there is a reason she is distancing herself from you then you forced the issue in a way she’ll have struggled to deal with.

Is there really nothing you can think of that could have caused this distance?
Divorce, difficult teen years, fallout with any family member? Pushy, controlling, absent? Mental health issues or neurodiversity?

Some people are just very distant and independent but honestly in pretty much every situation I’ve seen, there is a reason more than that.

Are you and her dad still together? If yes, is she in contact with him?

It does sound like something is wrong. Although you overstepped by turning up unannounced, assuming this isn't something you repeatedly do, it feels heavy-handed to withhold her address. Again, this suggests there's something more to this.

Fuck, I’m so sorry, this would break my heart.

I’ve had friends who did the same to their parents. Nothing awful happened and they all had childhoods where their parents sacrificed everything so they could succeed in life (I grew up with them, saw it and they say it themselves).

They just grew up, moved on and didn’t give their parents a second thought. Some people are cold.

To me, it seems like she probably finds you overbearing and has probably finally found some peace by putting some distance between you. I do not have a warm relationship with my mum (my dad is dead) and I moved 3 hours away and then 6 hours away and then an 11 hour flight away. That’s not coincidental.

If my mum had turned up unannounced, that would have been the end. I mean, that really would have tipped me over the edge and have permanently damaged the relationship. It’s not what people do when you care about someone and respect their boundaries.

I am NC with my mum now. For reasons totally unrelated to all of this (for safeguarding reasons related to my children and abuse). But her turning up unannounced fills me with horror. I went 3 years after moving before she had a friend stalk me and get my address. I would honestly call the police. I think you have broken her trust. I can absolutely see why she doesn’t want you to have her address.

You need to follow her lead. Let her be in touch when she wants to catch up. Let her invite you. Let her make plans to see you. That’s how you rebuild trust. Not pushing and pushing and invading her space and taking away her ability to choose the kind of relationship she is able to have. Let her know you’re there, but wait for her to reach out. And apologise, fully, without blaming her. Take full accountability for what you got wrong. That will go a long way towards repairing the relationship.

I have dumped my parents and siblings. I just ghosted them.

If they had asked why, I would have explained, but they haven't.

The reason I've done it: I don't like them and I have no interest in them.

Selfish is my superpower

People don’t do this for no reason. You sound like you have massive boundary issues- if you think back have you or your family behaved in this way in the past which has caused her to pull back?

I remember your post on this subject last year. I think just leave her alone, she's happier without you. I moved away from my family 40 years ago and they've never asked why. If you think about it honestly you can figure it out

Don’t do anything. It seems she doesn’t want to know you considering she won’t even share her address. I’d tell her you’re devastated that she clearly wants nothing to do with you, but that you will always welcome her home if she ever chooses to be part of your life again.

Then let her go.

Can I ask why you dumped them all?

It's like right there, at the bottom.

OP you've said you turned up unannounced, that's very weird, I'd guess that there is a reason your daughter doesn't want to be around you.

Leave her alone. She'll come back when if and when she's ready. Some birds just fly the nest and never go back.

I can hear the pain in your post - my adult daughter has done a similar thing & it's devastating. It was also totally unexpected, it was absolutely nothing to do with her childhood & everything to do with the mental health problems she's suffered since finding her father dead on the kitchen floor.
He'd been lying there for 3 days.

So, for everyone saying there MUST be a reason from childhood - there's a million reasons why children do this.

It's also statistically becoming more common & I hope & pray that those commenting, with no actual experience of this themselves, don't find themselves on the receiving end.

Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.

I would do this if I had the money and freedom to.

We tried to go and visit her without messaging first

You can do that sometimes, to some people. But I don’t think you have that kind of relationship so this was a massively overbearing thing to do. She might have seen that as trampling over her space, muscling in where you weren’t wanted or needed, trying to pry, almost like reading her teenage diary when she’s at school. You shouldn’t think ‘she’s our daughter and other people do this and their daughters love it’ but rather ‘we won’t do it because she doesn’t like it’.

Have you been overly involved previously in her childhood? Teenage years?