AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

Im very sorry OP since apparently you and your husband are very loving, caring, and supportive for your DD. You have very good intention and do not deserve this. I have realized that there does not always have to be a good or strong reason to someone’s suffering from any mental health issues. The child is born with their personalities and can be more sensitive to the negative emotions compared to positive emotions. So even if you have given them the best childhood experiences they may only remember the little negatives. They can even have wrong memories of their childhood. I think your DD might be fighting with some sort of mental health issues that she thinks it’s best to not let you know at the moment. I disagree with some people here who said it must be the parents who are at fault. So do not blame yourself for her suffering. Hopefully she will see it more clearly when she gets the help she needs.

My mother thinks I gad a wonderful childhood. I did not.

My parents argued all the time and them complained about each other to me. Horrible.
My brother bullied and dominated everything and ended up getting his way.
I only felt loved if I got top marks and was perfect at school and in front of other people.
My clothes, TV choices, hobbies, GSCE and A level subjects were chosen for me. I was told which universities I was and was not allowed to apply for.

I'm actually impressed with the OPs daughter and her boundaries. I wish I had done the same but was too conditioned to be a good daughter.

if she had anorexia as a teen then she did not have a good childhood no matter how much you may want to think so.

it’s often said that when parents say they don’t understand why their adult children have pulled away, they do in fact know the real reason they just don’t think it’s valid.

it doesn’t matter how much effort you put in to parenting (and I have had a teen with MH issues and I do know precisely how hard it is) SHE had a shit childhood.

you’d need to acknowledge her perspective for this relationship to change.

I have been grey rock with my mother for many years. She is elderly, needs support and has no other family members living close. I haven't spoken to my sister at all in 15 years.

My mother thinks I had a wonderful childhood.
I really don't want to have a conversation with my mother about our distance- I don't owe her that. It would be painful for me, and she really wouldn't understand. Keeping distance and living a healthy life is my priority.

I know of people for whom this absolutely is not the case.

Every parents/ sibling/ friend has a right to know why they have been cut out of a persons life, if it isn’t apparent to them.

As a PP mentioned, even criminals have their actions and subsequent punishment clearly explained to them at a legal sentencing.

Yes, they always get the blame now. She could just be thoughtless and selfish, not giving any serious consideration to others. 🤷‍♀️

Sounds to me as if she is living a life she knows you won't approve of- turning up without warning was a real mistake.
She is an adult you can't force her to make you part of her life, leave her be and hope she will come around- no guarantees though she obviously has serious issues with her family.
You think she had a good childhood, that does not mean she thinks the same.
Not attending her grandmother's funeral is a very big clue she does not want to spend time with her family.

Whatever went on, this young woman he as had an eating disorder and it doesn't come out of nowhere. You say that it was linked to a sport she did? Perhaps she had treatment and counselling at the time, but even so, it's long term. I think that her decision is made, however.

I think this is probably the reason. She is obviously incredibly defensive about being checked up on and she possibly doesn't want to see you in case she has relapsed and it's the first thing you remark upon.

I'm so sorry to read your story, OP, you are not BU in my opinion and I am really shocked by some of the comments here from people showing no empathy for a mother who hasn't seen her child for two years. Turning up unannounced to someone's home and expecting to spend time with them is impolite in my opinion but it isn't a crime. I suspect you felt it was the best way to catch her but it has backfired. Having said that she doesn't respond in a normal, adult manner to other attempts at communication and not attending your mum's funeral or giving an explanation is just weird. The offhand comment, 'oh didn't I tell you I'd moved to Paris?' is very naughty - is she goading you?
Italy, Paris, Geneva - imagine she's working in finance or some kind of high-powered world? All sounds very grown-up and perhaps she is a fantasist who believes she is V. Important and that she can run from the past (you and the relationships that end) and leave people and versions of herself behind. I am really sorry about the anorexia, that isn't 'nothing', but nor is it your fault, it's extremely complex isn't it. I think you know there's not much more to do so if you aren't already I would focus on you and your children who haven't gone NC. If it's possible I'd write one final letter/email to your daughter telling her you wish her well and would love to hear from her but you understand she is very busy and has made her own life, then leave it alone. Maybe seek some counselling yourself if you haven't already to help you grieve, get angry and come to terms with what is happening that is basically out of your control. If you see a psychotherapist they will be especially interested in exploring with you relationship patterns which might help you understand your own role in the dynamic with your daughter as well as the family situation - this is NOT the same as 'blaming' you or expecting you to take responsibility for all of it, but it might help you as you are clearly seeking understanding and it might help you stop going around in circles mystified. Good luck OP.

This is so true. Anorexia is a horrific illness for the sufferer and is often triggered by having felt controlled, your own feelings not being allowed or taken seriously or feelings of worthlessness.

You don't get to decide if her childhood was great. And i very much doubt the sport alone triggered it.

Maybe she feels she needs to be away from you to stay well.

Haven’t read all the replies..apologies if repeating.

if you’re absolutely sure that you can’t think of “what’s gone wrong “….most NC children and adults DO know, then really I think your mistake was turning up unannounced in a period of time where she was enjoying her freedom and trying to carve out her adult independent life elsewhere.

she obviously a very very confident secure woman that you’ve raised and she’s enjoying her adulthood and her life living it around the world. I know of one young girl through my adult kids that left home to go to uni and then after that went travelling. I don’t think she’s been home since. The travelling was meant to be for a year, that turned into 2, that turned into3 and so on. And that’s not because of a man or job….she just thought her world was bigger and more exciting that settling in Walthamstow her whole life!

I do think she is nervous about you turning up. I must admit I wouldn’t have done that. I don’t even “pop into” my local adult kids without asking first. It is a shame that she doesn’t keep in contact, it is a shame that when there’s a death in the family she doesn’t return. But we can’t put an old head on young shoulders as they say. She’s obviously loving her life and selfishly or not she’s not really caring about much else.

I think all you can do is keep trying. Obviously now you don’t have an address for birthday, Christmas etc…phone calls are rarely returned…but you can drop her regularly WhatsApp’s. I wouldn’t make them questioning…just a little update about life here, hope you’re well etc etc

I actually think there are some shocking comments here about anorexia, implying it is the parents' fault. I guess it's possible that it's linked to parental pressure in some cases, but in the majority I don't believe it is.

Anorexia is a complex disorder, which happens for a myriad of reasons. The sport was probably a trigger. However, there are complicated biological, genetic and psychological reasons.
We don't know what else has gone on and I'm not sure that the OP would be willing to share, but she may have cause to reflect.

Family relationships are hard in many cases. I am estranged and its really hard but I do have genuine reason and my mother says to people she doesn't know why. But deep down she does. She's controlling and spent her whole life letting me know having kids was hard, dirty looks, making derogatory comment, faking illness

You get the picture. But to others she looks like a jolly woman and how could I do this.

In you case I don't think this is the reason at all and it's more likely for Privacy to hide her illness. Pull back completely and she might comes back to you.

"Every parents/ sibling/ friend has a right to know why they have been cut out of a persons life, if it isn’t apparent to them."

Completely disagree.

How was your parenting of her though? Nothing to do with sports and here friends etc

Did you shout? Smack her? Did you comfort her when she was upset or tell her to stop making a fuss? Did you compare her to her siblings? Did you consider her the naughty one? How did you punish her?

This is some dangerous bullshit. People can have EDs, depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions while having had a good childhood and loving parents. Particularly in their teens. I know of several examples myself, including me!

You don't get to decide if her childhood was great. And neither do you @GumballsAndGobstoppers as some random drive by poster having read a few words about the situation and projecting like fuck onto it.

You're absolutely right. You can have the most loving and supportive parents, and it still happens. As people say, very complicated.

I would think her lifestyle is something she doesnt want parents to see. Party drugs, casual sex/relationships, dodgy boyfriends/acquaintances? I lived abroad for a long time in my 20s and even though i wasnt super close to my mum i was always happy when she called and encouraged visits. You are right to be a bit worried.

Anorexia is complex for sure but I don’t appreciate the implication from several posters that it has to lead back to the parents. Of course mental health conditions don’t come from nowhere - but how shortsighted to suggest the parents must always be at fault. There may be multiple causes from genetics, to personality to environment.

Why is it a given in the OP’s situation that the parents must be at fault and not the child? Whatever her reasons for cutting off ties, it is beyond cruel to not explain her actions and leave her family forever wondering and suffering. As someone said upthread, even criminals are given an explanation of their punishment as a basic human right.

I think her response about it’s not always about you maybe a slight hint at how she is feeling. It’s also interesting that she is no contact with dd. I would tread carefully. Could you write her an email? Apologise for turning up as a start. Maybe she doesn’t trust you not to do it again. As others have said anorexia can be about control so it may be linked. I would tell her you would like to know why she is distant and if you can help to improve the situation but respect if she does not. I would ask her to think about it. I think you need to respect her want for space but it’s difficult if you don’t know her worries as her phone conversations with you may be making the situation worse.

You sound like wonderful parents. By comparison to a lot of families, your DD sounds like she had a very good childhood. Please don’t beat yourself up. As parents, of course we do practically the minute they are born.

It’s rare for any of us to be completely unscathed by our upbringing, but it sounds like your home environment and the support you have her was quite incredible.

In my twenties and thirties I had a lot of extremely exciting adventures, and that made me very selfish in terms of parental contact, because I simply had the whole world to explore.

I think it’s only when you’re older that you realise how much you miss your parents when they are no longer there, and how much you took them for granted that they always would be.

I don’t know if you have her email address, but if not I would message her, and say you hope she is okay, you all love her and are thinking about her. Keep it light, and make no demands.

If you keep chasing a dog it will keep running (not that you have been).

I’m sure it will work out it may just take a little time ❤️

I had a very difficult childhood, couldnt wait to leave home and still didnt go no contact with my parents. Low contact, yes, but cutting parents completely out of your life is an extremely selfish form of behaviour. The adult children here who have done so have to justify it by blaming anything they can dredge up instead of admitting to themselves that they are not perfect and that ultimately that is no-one's responsibility but their own.

I know adults who had abusive and/or neglectful parents who still desperately try to get their parents approval and children with normal imperfect but decent enough parents who are NC. No parents are not responsible for every crap action by their children. When your daughter has children, if she ever does, she may realise that no parent is perfect and maybe that she is not perfect either.

You've let her know you will be there if she needs you, now let her find her own way.