AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

It's not normal to show up without letting the other person know. What a silly thing to have done. You're worried? What did that achieve? Absolute BS.

I know two people who have dumped their parents like this ie seemingly for no reason. In both cases it's been due to a mix of neurodiversity and poor mental health on their part. The pattern of periodically ditching everything and moving on when they hit a tough patch was characteristic of both too.

Its sad but really there's nothing you can do except leave her to it. And I dont think you should spend your lives blaming yourselves or asking "why" either. Some people are just like that.

I dunno, OP. Yours isn't the first post I've read on here where a young adult DC virtually estranges themselves, and says there is nothing wrong when asked.

I think some young people have a strong urge to pretend they are adventuring alone in the world. Maybe it's a way of testing their own mettle.

Or perhaps this unreasonably intense reaction against their family system is their final stage of fully realising themselves as an adult. Most don't need to do this in order to establish themselves as an autonomous adult. Most can hold space in their self-image as both an independent adult and as a member of a family, but some really can't.

I bet if you just leave it, and stop calling her, she'll notice at some point and then freak out and panic. Good! I really don't approve of this behaviour. I think it's the height of self-centredness, (unless there's some awful backstory, but you say there's not).

In a way, her allergy to her family of origin is quite funny, acting for no reason as if you've all got the plague. 🤭 I think it speaks of an immaturity, that she can't develop herself as a young adult and also retain her family membership. It's an extreme reaction to the need to become a full adult, imo.

Anyway, leave her be and watch her frantically backpedal at some point. 🤣 If she calls, pretend not to know who it is for a sec. 🤣🤣🤣 And tell her you've re-purposed her room, lol!

Don't worry OP. Back right off, for months on end if necessary. It will be all right!

I was in a similar position to that of OPs daughter. I went away to another city. In those days there were no internet and no mobiles so it might as well have been another country. I had an unsettled childhood when it was made clear to me that I was the black sheep and my sister the golden princess. In my 20s my parents told me that they were leaving 2/3 of their estate to my sister because she had "given" them grandchildren whereas I had elected to be childfree. It was not about the money. It was the realisation that there was nothing I could ever do to compete in their eyes. If I had brought them the moon and the stars on a plate it would have been less. So I stopped trying. I concentrated on the things that were of value to me.

I was the first in my family to ever go to uni and attained a 1st class degree. They didnt even come to my graduation. I stayed on to do postgraduate studies and became an academic. I never returned to vist my parents other than a very few times and eventually even that tailed off. I simply did not think about my family most of the time. I did not wish them any harm. But if I could have waved a magic wand to make them disappear from the face of the earth I would have done so.

If they had turned up on my doorstep without notice I cannot say how angry I might have been. I would probably have gone nuclear.

I think that this and SpryCat's earlier comment about feeling constantly monitored might hold the key - what if she's relapsed and she doesn't want you to know? What if she felt like she could never do the right thing or she was always upsetting people and it feels unbearable for her to experience that ever again? There is also a significant cross over between anorexia and autism. Is it possible she's finally figuring out who she is away from the people she grew up with and she doesn't feel ready to share the unmasked version of herself?
There have been some harsh comments but it's worth remembering that even if you aren't aware of anything bad happening two things can be true at the same time: 1. you might have loved her unconditionally and given everything you had to support her and cherish her and 2. she might have felt misunderstood, miserable stressed and lonely and unable to express how she felt.
It's clear that you love her deeply and are terribly worried and sad. I'm very sympathetic and sorry for your pain. But I do think you have to wait for her to contact you.
I think yes you should continue to send messages on her birthday and Christmas and maybe a message very now and then just to say "love you and thinking of you", but with no expectation or pressure for her to reply. I think that's the right way to keep the door open.

Turning up unannounced to what is your child may feel ok to you, however this an adult who has already spread their wings .
I think you need to just let them experience life their way.
You will always be there and they know where you are if they need support.

@Friendlygingercat in what way is your position in any way similar to the OP's daughter?

Do you think she might be neurodiverse? Has she ever been affectionate towards you or her siblings? Was there a point that you can remember where things changed? Has she always been distant, lacked connection with others or just family?
I had anorexia as a teenager, my home life seemed normal but I couldn't wait to leave. My parents put a lot of pressure on me to get the best grades, I felt under constant pressure to be perfect and was really unhappy - not sure if my parents knew that. I am in touch with them regularly though and love them very much, just more from afar. Oddly I also now live in Geneva. What does your daughter do at Christmas time?

Anorexia is an extremely distressing mental illness as you know. Generally family dynamics play some part, I doubt it was all about her sport.

I think you'll find that more current research shows that it is often comorbid with neurodiversity - something else that used to be blamed on parents.

She has both a Portuguese and French passport from her father and I.
She works in policy research.

We have met 2 of her boyfriends (her uni boyfriend and her masters boyfriend).

We only went to visit her unprompted as she would never give us a time when it would be okay to visit and she hadn’t been home in a year, we worried she had relapsed (she was anorexic as a teen) and didn’t want us to know. We just wanted to help her.

To answer some questions, I’m not saying it is impossible that there isn’t be something from her childhood bothering her, but I have thought about it and thought about it. We were a very close family, DS is 3.5 years younger than DD1 and DD2 3.5 years younger than him. I can’t think of anything out of the ordinary, DD was very sporty, we funded this and always made sure someone was there for her competitions, we took time off work to travel with her when she competed internationally. She had lots of friends, was really happy. We live in a nice area, she went to a good school, she never went without. We always made sure she knew that she could quit her sport anytime especially when we were helping her with the anorexia, we got support from various professionals.
Around 16 there was a crux point where she had to really decide if she was going all in on the sport or not and she decided not to, we helped her with the adjustment but she got a boyfriend who was a bit older and probably not good for her but we tried really hard to balance protecting her with not suffocating her. We were there for her when they broke up.
Im not going to pretend we were perfect parents as that is unrealistic but we really did do our best for her.
When she moved for uni, we would visit her when she asked us to, send care packages. Then gradually over time she stopped wanting us to visit, visited home less etc.

Between Easter and July of last year when we visited her unprompted we hadn’t seen her, she skipped Christmas, wasn’t answering calls as much and I was genuinely worried she had relapsed and didn’t want to tell us. I didn’t know what else to do, I was scared if we didn’t go something awful would happen.

She is a smart, beautiful girl and we love her so much. It just seems like she has changed so much over the last few years to the point I barely know her despite trying.

Such a good response. I would be heartbroken though if this was my child.
Im sorry, OP.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. Most of us pour huge amounts of love, care, time and resources into parenting our children, and when your adult children don't even want to give us their address or tell us they've moved countries, that will sting. I'm not sure how much is to be gained by thinking long and hard about the past - assuming whatever you did was in good faith and with love. You may have made mistakes, we all do, but if there was no abuse/neglect/cruelty, you have to just learn to accept that she wants some space, and it might have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. The fact that she hits the reset button every time she has a break up suggests she is a 'burn everything to the ground' kind of person - you might just have been caught up in the conflagration. Sending my sympathies.

This 100%.

I'm low contact with my parents and when my mum wanted to "clear the air" I did say to her that I'm very happy to discuss things but this will only work if she intends to listen for once. She promised me she would. Of course the minute I started deviating from the "everything was perfect!" story, she stopped listening. Interrupting me, insulting me, and telling me I basically remember everything wrong. Well ok then, nothing new here. She went back to being the martyr whose daughter has inexplicably and coldly gone low contact with her, and I went back to my antidepressants. It is what it is.

My take, based entirely on my own perspective, is that I moved a lot to get away from the bad memories of growing up, most of which were nothing to do with my parents. I did have them visit, but always regretted it, because no matter what my age I felt like that kid again who really suffered. If I was smarter I would have carried on doing my own thing and not visiting.

If this is what your daughter is doing I would suggest an email letting her know you are proud of her achievements and if she ever needs you, you are there (no fuss, no infatilsing telling her youre worried about her). Then leave her be. Im sure its incredibly hard, but she has made it totally clear thats what she wants.

In my 40's now, I still live abroad. I'm on medication that works for my anxiety, and I speak to my parents once a week but mostly so they can talk to my DC. When my LO grows up, if they go low contact I will be devastated, no doubt! But thats my problem, not theirs.

You’ve had some pretty nasty responses here OP. People seem to jump straight on the ‘blame’ bandwagon.

I have no idea what the problem with your DD is, I can only empathise with you as a Mother. I completely understand and agree with your turning up unannounced, I don’t think you should beat yourself up (basis some of these responses) about it. You must be living on edge, always waiting, hoping for some kind of spontaneous contact from her.

OP I feel for you. As a Mother my heart goes out to you. The fear there may be a problem and you didn’t know is probably a daily constant.

I hope things resolve OP. You have done all you can.

Isn't that why they just turned up unannounced? Because daughter wouldn't plan a visit - they wanted to see she was ok. I don't think other posters should be giving them grief for this as it was the actions of desperately concerned parents.

Anorexia is an incredibly selfish condition/disease. The mental health challenges that go with this are so complex. It could be one of two things - she isn't cured and is trying to love with it without people stopping her or putting pressure on her. Or she is tired but is desperately not trying to ever go back to the same situation again.

All you can do is let her know you love her. Let her know you are always there. Maybe get an email address you can send things to so you can keep her up to date on family life. As the kids get older they can email too. One day she may come back to you.

i agree, people are so mean on here. PP, I’ve been through similar and it’s so hard, just stick with it and concentrate on your other children for now. They will be missing her too. She may come back, she may think it’s no big deal, life is exciting and you aren’t a priority at the moment, people can be thoughtless especially at this age, fingers crossed for you.

I know a few friends like this. Once they left home from uni, they just forged their own path. They don't really feel close to their parents.i guess they don't really care about them.

Nothing horrible happened as a child but they just don't really find their parents, people that they enjoy being around. You don't get to choose your family like you do with friends.

I think looking back they didn't really have a close relationship with their parents. I wonder if they expect to be included in their wills!

“she had a good childhood”

have you ever asked her if she thinks this?

I really feel for you. I think it’s becoming more common these days. I’ve definitely seen it around adult children in therapy. It’s constantly pushing that narrative to cut off, find boundaries. Children that had normal childhoods suddenly trying to find fault, protecting their peace, their lived experience. A lot of it is just self absorbed.

I’m not talking about children from abusive pasts. I should know, I’m NC for that reason with my father and LC with my mother. And coming from that perspective, I’m shocked how many young adult children do it for normal family up and downs reasons. It’s not always the parent’s fault. There seems to be an online trend to cut people off, especially parents. It’s not a good step for society.

I’ve been heavily involved with friends and seen it before anyone says you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. When people say parents must have done something. Adult children don’t just cut off their parents for no reason. Sometimes that reason is in the adult child’s head. And often supported by a therapist ‘helping’ them with anxiety or something similar.

Keep living would be my advice. You can’t change it, as painful as it is.

I would write this all down and send it to her.
It seems like your relationship can’t get much worse so she might as well know exactly how this has left you feeling.
Good luck, op. Shitty situation to be in.

This is true, but this mindset often stems from the sufferer of anorexia feeling that they are being controlled, and from a lack of autonomy, not always because it is their natural character to be rigid thinking, and controlling.

OP, whilst I can see the involvement with the sport you referred to might have triggered the anorexia, I would urge you and your DH to chat together and try to dig deeper into your family dynamics.

If my parents had the emotional intelligence and maturity to self reflect, admit mistakes and acknowledge some responsibility, it might have prevented me gping almost NC with them.