AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

I really don’t think there is anything about her childhood that would have caused this, her dad and I still together, no periods of instability. A normal lovely childhood, we have always supported her unconditionally.

She did have some struggles in her teens but mostly that was anorexia (which came from a high pressure sport, which she was always allowed to quit) and some friendship/boy problems in sixth form.

Have you met any boyfriends? Could she be gay and not want you to know?

My parents would say I had a good childhood, my psychiatrist and psychologist would disagree

I hear you

Some children grow up spread their wings and never look back. It’s tough but ultimately their choice. Sad for you.
The unexpected visit was a bit strange.

I mean it does seem really odd, but then so does going to visit someone in another country without messaging them first.

Mine too.

There's nothing you can do. I don't think you should have visited her unannounced like that, but hey behaviour and moving countries is strange.

Not even coming to get Grandma's funeral says a lot about her. People are quick to say there's more to our, but there doesn't have to be and it's not always the parent's fault.

I'd pull back from your phonecalls and let her reach out to you if she wants.

The fact that she's not really bothered with any of her siblings, it kind of shows she's the problem.

She might feel her life isn't what she wants it to be and she hasn't achieved, so would rather stay away from the family.

With that age gap, could it be that she felt emotionally neglected/ignored when younger siblings came along?

Maybe having anorexia in her teens made her feel she was being constantly monitored and she prefers to stay distant from everyone. She maybe moves countries when her relationships end as a coping mechanism and starts afresh, nobody knows her and she can start afresh.

I think the fact that you visited your dd abroad unannounced speaks volumes, who does that? What makes you think that she wouldn’t be working, and have plans?

I don't have a psychiatrist or a psychologist but my depression and anxiety would definitely agree.

Did she go to boarding school where you could count it is as prioritising her but she could see it as neglect? I had a few friends like this who hated their school years and have very strained relationships with their parents as a result. Their parents never understood and would say they gave their kids everything (everything but time). If not exactly this, something similar. She sounds incredibly independent and brave which often comes from being made to grow up very quickly and be adult in childhood.

Anorexia is a serious MH problem.

going through it will absolutely have affected her family relationships.

Eating disorders are often motivated by rigid thinking, perfectionism and a need for control.
Your DD sounds like she lives her life like that and a relationship ending in her eyes is a mistake so she moves away. She is running from herself.
All you can do is let her know you love her, miss her and she will always be welcome back.

I feel really sad for you genuinely. Even more so as I’m a mother now, if any of my children went NC with me I’d be distraught. I did go NC with my dad when I was younger but that’s because he was abusive and done for safety reasons but I would never in a million years cut contact with my mum and siblings. If anything, going NC with my dad made me realise how much my mum had endured. I don’t understand how some people could be so selfish to go NC for no reason other than independence but that’s just my personal view and they are welcome to theirs ofc.

Also I think the surprise visit was lovely and your daughter had a major overreaction. She sounds so immature. I think, as devastating this will be, you’re just going to have to try and find a way to let her be. Hopefully she’ll get some sense when she matures.

I think showing up unannounced shows a serious lack of boundaries and respect for her, and I doubt it was the first time you crossed those boundaries.

That's possible. I know sisters with a seven year age gap it hasn't gone well.

There is a 13 year age gap between me and my youngest sister. We are close and talk all the time.

I am thinking there is something else you are not admitting to yourself. The fact that you think it’s ok to just turn up unannounced and expect her to just be available is really strange. There will definitely be a reason she has chosen to be so far away, you just won’t admit to yourself.

It all depends on the relationship. I was thrilled when my dad turned up to visit me as a surprise a couple of times. They are some of my best memories.

If they had asked why, I would have explained, but they haven't.

Are you sure it’s not them that’ve ghosted you? 😊

Some firstborne children really don't like to have siblings, parents don't like to hear it but it is something that happens and you can't change it once it is done.

She sounds desperate to maintain as much control of her life as possible, turning up as a surprise was really an awful thing to do to someone like this.
Do you know her? Because it doesn't sound like it.

I think all you can do is keep making her aware you won't turn up on her doorstep again but she is always welcome to come back to see you, no invitation needed ( ironic I know ! )

Even if you had a great relationship, it would be unreasonable to turn up unannounced and uninvited and expect to be accommodated. But you don’t. Respect her autonomy, and let her know she’s always welcome with you without pressure or conditions.

I feel really sad for you that she didn’t support you more when your mum passed. She seems to have zero emotional intelligence which is a shame

Probably someone very worried?