AIBU to worry that my adult daughter is keeping her distance?

[Lowenn]

Hi all, my eldest DD is 25.
She moved away for university in France in 2018. After her degree, she did her masters in Italy which lasted 2 years, since then she has lived in Geneva and briefly Lisbon.
Every time she goes through a break up, she seems to move cities entirely.
We haven’t properly seen her since Easter of 2024, so 2 years.
We tried to go and visit her without messaging first, she said she was too busy to even stop for lunch or dinner. We basically spent about 15 minutes with her, that was last year.
She sent a message afterwards saying that she did not appreciate us turning up without being invited and if we did it again she wouldn’t be so kind.
We have asked many times when we can go visit, she always says she’s too busy. We have asked her to come visit us, too busy. When my mum died last year, she sent flowers and a card, didn’t even call, didn’t come to the funeral.

Now I’ve been worried for a while, but she seems to be doing well and I thought maybe this was just her spreading her wings. I try to call her once a month. The last 2 have been really short.
Finally this afternoon she picked up, I asked how Geneva was, and she replied oh didn’t I tell you I moved back to Paris, in January!!
I asked for her new address as I send cards and presents. She didn’t reply.
I messaged her after the call asking for it again, she said she would rather not give it this time as she doesn’t trust us not to show up unprompted.

I am terribly worried, she had a good childhood, we have very good relationships with our two younger children, I don’t understand what’s gone wrong.

AIBU to be worried, what do I do?

This sounds so heartbreaking and you must be worried sick on top of it, given past issues. I don’t blame you for turning up unannounced either, but given her response and view, you obviously need to apologise and acknowledge the impact to her. Did anything happen on her last visit home to you? Is she just trying to assert independence in a bizarre way - were you overbearing / too interfering before?

Hard agree. It blows my mind that anyone feels it is reasonable behaviour to go NC - but never explain why (when the ‘dumped’ person is truly clueless, devastated - and desperate to understand what they have done wrong).

that’s a special kind of arsehole, imo.

100% with you.

OP you turned up out of the blue which implies a lack of respect for boundaries. Secondly you are down playing anorexia which is not a great look. I haven’t read further but those two things alone make me think you are not being totally honest with yourself.

I’m sorry but it’s patently obvious that there is a massive boundary issue.

It’s clear why she didn’t tell you she had moved and won’t give you her new address. Rightly or wrongly she clearly feels like you don’t respect her boundaries (and may have felt like that throughout her childhood).

Give her space, don’t keep asking about visiting and hope she eventually feels able to build a relationship with you and her siblings

The vast majority of people who go NC have legitimate grounds, and know their parent isn’t going to take honest responsibility for their poor behaviour, I’d say it take a special kind of arsehole to abuse their kids but hey ho.

I thought same, there's a back story here, I'd like the daughters take on this

I agree with you there.

‘Compassion for my torture’ 🙈🙈

The DD isn’t going to message her mother because her mother has no boundaries. The DD doesn’t want to see them and forcing the issue by turning up unannounced (knowing it wasn’t going to be welcome) is a crappy to do.

No wonder she won’t give her family her address or trust them enough to tell them about moving.

If it’s a pattern of over stepping then she is probably concerned any attempt to explain it will result in the OP not acknowledging the issue and lots of emotional blackmail.

My heart goes out to you OP this sounds so sad. Very strange for someone to go basically no contact with all their siblings and both parents without obvious reasons. I understand why you visited her unannounced. Her reaction to her grandmothers death was so cold.

I’m always really wary of parents who declare their child had a lovely childhood. The parent isn’t having the childhood, how can they say with such certainty? It’s like me going to see a film I like with a friend and assuming as I liked the film then they will have liked it, and liked the same bits I did.

Did didn’t want to visit and didn’t want her parents to come over. Therefore just turning up was an awful thing do and forced the issue

Now DD won’t tell her family that she’s moved or her address

And that’s the reason for the NC. Boundaries. And trying to explain to someone who had form for overstepping is impossible as they make it about them and won’t accept they have done anything wrong.

Agree. Someone who had anorexia as a teen did not have a lovely childhood.

I was about to say this. OP, my twenties were similar to your DD - lots of moves, lots of breakups, struggling to properly recover from anorexia, quite distant from my family. If you'd asked my parents, they would have said the same as you - happy childhood, lots of friends, did well at school. But parents can unfortunately be quite blind to their child's reality. Maybe she doesn't feel being close to her family is beneficial to her at the moment and that's a valid decision. You need to deal with your own feelings about it without harassing her to change her mind for now. Maybe in the future she will open up to you about whatever's behind it. If she does, try to resist reacting defensively.

I’m not saying you don’t have a right to feel hurt by this, I’d be devastated. But your daughter has cut contact with you for a reason. You can’t think why at all?

As a start, you need to increase the frequency of calls to more than once a month. Nothing about your communication style with your DD sounds normal

I do think I was probably the least engaged with my parents in my mid 20s but I still spoke to them once a week and told them if I was moving.

This flitting from city to city of a relationship breaks down is very concerning

Folks are sometimes selfish, self-absorbed and desperate to be victims; then they're encouraged to have boundaries and space etc...
Maybe her childhood was good, maybe it wasn't and maybe she's just conjured reasons she needs to separate from you.
It can't be easy either way, but I hope you find a way to come to terms with it; and allow her space. Pointless and possibly damaging to chase someone who wants to be apart from you; which she has made clear.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think you need to try and have a conversation with her, could your husband try for a change of voice? Is it possible she is neurodivergent? There is a strong link between anorexia and autism in girls.

Eating disorders are often linked with neurodiversity. I wonder if this is partly an 'object permanence' thing @Lowenn . Have a Google and see if it fits.

Moving to another country at 18 is quite a big step. How did she cope and what prompted it?

I did my third year thesis on eating disorders and whilst concerns about weight and appearance can trigger them to manifest, the underlying cause is usually rooted in a need for control.

This indicates that the person with an ED feels out of control of their own life. It can also be a way to shrink yourself - both physically and emotionally which often feels safer. Taking up less space in the world means that you are muting your own needs, withdrawing, and feeling safer when you are invisible.

Whilst there isnt one type of parent that can cause this, typical patterns include parents having high expectations and perfectionism, being over protective or controlling, being emotionally avoidant, critical about appearances, or unpredictable.

This isnt about blame but are you sure OP that your daughter's childhood was happy?- eating disorders dont come out of nowhere and the fact that she reacted in the way she did when you turned up would indicate that she does not feel you respect her boundaries. Looking back, is this a legit pattern?

PPs have mentioned how cruel it is to suddenly go NC with a parent for no reason with no explanation but this is really quite rare - it is far more usual that there IS a reason and the parents dont want to admit it or literally cant see it from any other perspective.

It doesn't have to be something the parent has done, it can equally be something they didn't do. In my case, I am not close to my family because none of them paid any attention to the difficulties I was having due to a series of family bereavements in my teens and twenties. They weren't the cause of those events, and they were suffering themselves, and I have a lot of compassion for them. They were however self-involved enough to expect me to support them with their grief while not supporting me with mine, and I'm no longer willing to be in that dynamic because it's too draining for me. It's not self absorbed, it's self preservation.

Yes, I agree with this. If she'd just given you a reason, even one hard to deal with, it would be better than this.

That's absolutely fine. That's your decision and it suits you. Did you just cut them off with no explanation?

@SillyQuail The “dynamics” and “self preservation”
sadly are things I’ve heard a lot from those in therapy and online self help. The bottom line is learning to communicate better for healthier relationships. Not abusive ones. That’s different.
But this just sounds like a lot of people suffering at the same time. Not everyone handles grief in the same way or even well. Nobody is at their best. but if there is a willingness to repair then there is a way. If there is love on both sides, a good childhood. It’s so sad to just cut off and call it healthier. Healthier is sometimes facing difficult issues and living with the discomfort whilst you find a way forward. That’s growth. Everyone has flaws. I hope you find a way in the future x

My partner had v little to do with his family when he moved abroad. Being brutally honest they just never came into his mind. He had a bit of a crap childhood and he didn't really like them that much.I dont think he ever thought about them and neither would it ever occur to him that anyone may feel sadness or worry that he didn't make the effort. If his mum had said something he would probably have made an effort initially but then reverted to more or less no contact. He never felt that he fitted into his family and that and other character traits including laziness meant v little contact. He could have reminded himself to pick up the phone but probably always had 97 other things he could do that he liked better so he did those.

“We tried to go and visit her without messaging first,”

OP, I’m afraid I think you really overstepped here. If your DD wants to “reinvent” herself abroad and become her own person, the last thing she wants is her parents arriving unannounced. You say she could never make time for you to visit - so say you’d like to see her and is there somewhere you could meet: doesn’t have to be where she lives. I think there is a point in their twenties when children can drift away from their parents: your best hope is that she’ll meet someone and settle down and then accept you as grandparents. I would apologise for turning up unannounced, assure her it will never happen again, and say that you only want an address to send cards and parcels. (NB, parcels are a bit of a two-edged sword since often the recipient has to pay tax, as I discovered after sending a small present to friends in France.) I completely understand how very upsetting this is for you - unfortunately, you don’t have much choice but to be patient, and let her know in whatever way you can without bombarding her that you’re still there for her. At least she replied when you asked for her address, so just send her a text now and again, to reassure her that you will not turn up unannounced, and let her know you haven’t forgotten her.