To ponder legal action for being slapped on the arse

[IneedAniffler]

Very long story short, I work in an unregulated industry as a self-employed contractor. I provide a professional service in what can be quite a high-pressure environment, and I take a lot of pride in what I do.

Today, just before I was due to deliver a service, another person working there (in a separate but related role) slapped me hard on the backside. He clearly thought it was “banter” or playful, but I was completely shocked.

I reacted immediately and told him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable and that he must never do anything like that again. He apologised straight away, and the contractor (who works with both of us) also apologised, as did others present.

The issue is that I then had to go straight on and deliver a half-hour professional service as if nothing had happened, and then go straight to another client meeting. I didn’t really have time to process it at all.

Now I’m home, it’s all hit me properly and I feel incredibly upset. I feel violated, embarrassed, angry, and quite shaken. I also feel a bit stupid even writing this, because technically everyone has apologised and it’s “dealt with”, but it doesn’t feel dealt with to me at all.

There’s no HR in this situation as I’m self-employed, and this isn’t a traditional workplace. I’m just trying to work out whether I’m overreacting, and what (if anything) I should do next.

WWYD?

Perhaps ask around other females in your profession locally to find out how many others he's sexually assaulted/harassed.

Then report the fucker to the Police

There was someone who did this recently and he was found guilty of sexual assault and put on the sex offenders register. I don’t think I could do that to someone I knew if I felt they were genuinely remorseful but I’d be finding the media reporting of the other case and sending it to him as a warning.

Why not? Have you ever grabbed a man’s penis and testicles in a moment of playful misjudgement? If not; why not?

In my force he would be interviewed for sexual assault and either cautioned if he admitted it or the file sent to CPS for a charge if he didn’t (unless it was caught on CCTV with clear facial images, in which case police could charge).

Why when anybody talks about something that has upset them, do some people think that’s them saying it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to them? It’s an extraordinarily stupid thing to say.

I work in mental health and often people who have experienced the worst kind of child SA, get affected by things like this. Not saying that this is the OP at all of course, but I’m just trying to make you understand that things are not always as simple as you make out.

OP I don’t know about the legal stuff. But this is a disgusting thing to happen. He is a Neanderthal. These things are designed to demean and humiliate women and deserve zero tolerance.

I'm not sure what you should do (so tricky as a freelancer. Shouldn't be, but I imagine it is).

More than anything I just wanted to say well done for dealing with this in the moment. It is so, so difficult to think quickly when you can't quite compute that anyone would do such a thing and it has just happened.

He needs a verbal warning from his employer, due to his abhorrant behaviour which was more than completely inapropriate.

He is a stupid fool, and lacks the intelligence to interact appropriatly around women.

Your reaction was absalutely spot on OP, he knows he overstepped a boundary and the shame is on him and not you.

I suggest you send a complaint to the companies head office as they should class this as an assault and he should be dealt with appropriatly.

Remember, let him carry the burdon of shame for his bad behaviour, it is not your to carry.

Seems to me that you were not undertaking any nudge nudge wink wink banter with this guy, OP.

This guy sounds a bit unhinged.
I'm not sure if it's predatory behaviour as such because he'd have to be stupid to do this to the FD's wife given that the FD is presumably higher up the food chain than him in terms of status.
Unless the FD sees his wife as fair game for other men.

Just unhinged, really. I'd be pissed off, too.

I'm not saying what he did is an any way acceptable just that it may be unhinged rather than intentionally sexually predatory.

When I say that I think that going to the police may not be a good idea I'm not saying that he should get away with this btw. Oh no.

Absolutely this. Imagine what he gets up to in private if he thinks this is acceptable? And in these circumstances !

When you suggest not going to the police then you are suggesting letting him get away with it. This is not thr first time he has sexually assaulted a woman and it won't be the last. People like you and others on this thread who have been minimising this are shameful.

Gisele Pelicot's husband was only caught because he upskirted a woman and the security guard who caught him didnt minimise his behaviour but instead reported him to police. Sarah Everard's rapist and murderer had a history of flashing that wasnt dealt with properly because it was seen as minor. Who knows what else the man in this case has done. That's why all sex crimes, of any degree, should be reported to the police (as much as the victim feels ok to do so).

Not sure about that he gets up to worse things in private to be honest.
In fact I think that serious sexual offenders can often behave impeccably in public.
A lot of men like this just view it as humorous. It isn't of course but that's how they see it.
And as I've already said, humour is often used to relieve tension in serious occasions.

Nevertheless it's a violation and OP should take action of sorts.

Couldn't agree more

I’d report to the police for assault. I’d not pursue any civil legal claim as there are no damages. But this would appear to be a fairly simple criminal case with 4 witnesses to it. The police may do nothing beyond interviewing him but that would be enough for me.
I’d also tell all the local funeral homes factually what had occurred. Written carefully about what happened so no risk of defamation case winning (as it’s true!) . No need to include your feelings or what they should do about it, just facts. Or tell them when next on their premises as you won’t work there on that occasion if they are using x.

Don't be silly. Why do you think by not going to the police I'm suggesting that he should be allowed to get away with it?

Do you think that police intervention is the only way of dealing with these things?
I don't.

And I'm sorry but I really don't see a slap on the bottom as being in the same category as upskirting and flashing.

The former may be an attempt at very badly judged humour while the latter two examples are undoubtedly sexual violations.

Any reasonable person can see this distinction.

It is good that the funeral directors wife has said they will never use him again.

If you want to take if further then report to the police. IME they will prosecute and he will get a criminal record.

To be fair, reporting to police etc doesn’t undo it either

I think a PP has asked the most pertinent question…. What outcome would OP like? And then work from there

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. This is assault and I would report to the police.

It's not really about what op wants tho is it? Someone has broken the law of the land it's a police matter.

The reality is not much will probably happen. But there will be a record of his behaviour and this is more likely to keep others safe.

This is really, really serious behaviour. It's damaging, hurtful and humiliating. It's mysogynistic as he would not have struck a man in the same way. Its assault and should be reported as such.

If you trust anyone present get a written account from them or an endorsement if your written account and also send yourself your own written account. I'm not sure re. timescales but it's amazing how people's memories blur and also how after a while people stop wanting to be involved.

Out of interest, why would the civil claim be unlikely to succeed given there were witnesses?

If a dirty old man grabbed your daughter’s breast in front of you, and then said ‘oh sorry’…. you would just accept that?

we shouldn’t have to be putting up with this shit.

I remember going for a mole check at a hospital back in the middle 90s. I was probably about 32. I had to lay on the table thing with my pants and bra on. There was a male consultant and a female nurse. When he checked my back, I was lying on my tummy. Once he'd checked, he slapped me on the bottom and said "all done, you'll be alright".

I did wonder about it afterwards. I don't think it would happen now.

Well done OP for standing up for yourself. Sorry it happened.

And this is how men who assault women get away with it. Because the woman is labelled a trouble maker and the man has nothing to tarnish his name and can carry on behaving however he chooses

Hi Bootmaker

No its not the worst thing thats ever happened to me

I was raped by a partner aged 19. I have also been physically assaulted by a parent several times - slapped, punched and pushed down the stairs.

This isnt about the pain caused physically - ive dealt with worse

Its about being violated and demeaned whilst about to perform an important job

@IneedAniffler ”He has done it before to the FDs wife and I assume lots of other women”

If there is a Finance Director then there is a proper organization in place.
Start there.
You being a contractor is neither here nor there.