To ponder legal action for being slapped on the arse

[IneedAniffler]

Very long story short, I work in an unregulated industry as a self-employed contractor. I provide a professional service in what can be quite a high-pressure environment, and I take a lot of pride in what I do.

Today, just before I was due to deliver a service, another person working there (in a separate but related role) slapped me hard on the backside. He clearly thought it was “banter” or playful, but I was completely shocked.

I reacted immediately and told him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable and that he must never do anything like that again. He apologised straight away, and the contractor (who works with both of us) also apologised, as did others present.

The issue is that I then had to go straight on and deliver a half-hour professional service as if nothing had happened, and then go straight to another client meeting. I didn’t really have time to process it at all.

Now I’m home, it’s all hit me properly and I feel incredibly upset. I feel violated, embarrassed, angry, and quite shaken. I also feel a bit stupid even writing this, because technically everyone has apologised and it’s “dealt with”, but it doesn’t feel dealt with to me at all.

There’s no HR in this situation as I’m self-employed, and this isn’t a traditional workplace. I’m just trying to work out whether I’m overreacting, and what (if anything) I should do next.

WWYD?

He won't do it again to OP, who he'll have categorised as uptight with no sense of humour. It won't teach him that slapping a woman is wrong and has consequences.

I think you've had good advice above from @DefyingDepravity but I want to add my voice to those saying you are NOT OVER REACTING so you don't think you are going mad thanks to the male violence minimisers on this thread. We have a right to do our jobs without being assaulted.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'm angry on your behalf and if you're not able to feel angry but shaken and upset please take a hug. And then have some of my anger for motivation to eviscerate this fucker as effectively as possible. 💐

I disagree that he did it for a sexual thrill. I believe men commit sexual violence to degrade and humiliate. It’s a way of asserting dominance when their ability won’t do - you may be competent and impressive, but I am a man so I get to reduce you to a bit of meat.

OP - what are your actual options work-wise? In reality, if you kick up a stink what is likely to happen? Will it just lead to you not getting work?

You are not overreacting. I would have slapped his face but I am of a generation where this happened a lot and that's how women dealt with it. Report him to the police.
I don't understand why other people apologised. How was it their fault?

Initially I was thinking the same as you. But as a man I would never do that to a female work colleague. I wouldn't even touch a male work colleague that clearly I don't know well (she's contracting to a company so I assume it's not a long term working relationship). In my job with a funeral directors I might brush off a colleagues shoulder where dust from the coffin has got on it or sort out a collar as they would for me.

There is no way anyone irrespective of sex, relationship, friendship should be carring out such a sexually aggressive act.

OP I would speak specifically to senior management and express your upset.

This is work. Not a carry on film

You dealt with it brilliantly but you are also left with it. Easy to say in hindsight, but I wonder if the time to take action was there and then ie to not have gone ahead and carried out the work. If you had fallen and broken an ankle you would have received a lot of fuss and care and wouldn't have been expected to carry on and do the task. By carrying on after the apology, something gets covered over as if the apology has now dealt with it and it is filed away as a slight miscommunication or similar and you are also left on your own with it after the event. Making a huge fuss at the time eg you don't accept the apology, you demand he leaves the room, you ask to speak with the manager, you demand a cup of sweet tea and a sit down, you say you don't think you can carry on with the job - makes it harder for everyone present to smooth it over. I think it is this bit - everyone acting as if nothing too bad happened- is what leaves you feeling you want to take further action but I do think it's harder to do so now it has passed. I would make a record of it and then process your feelings. I don't think you will get what you need from the company at this stage.

You can report it online op via 101 website if you feel this is an option you’d like to take. But call ACAS as well

You aren't over reacting all at. This was assault and an apology doesn't cut it. In my workplace an act like that would lead to disciplinary action. I understand it's more complicated in your situation but I agree with others who said document it all, contact the police and take it from there.

What’s an unregulated industry? A business may be unregulated, estate agents spring to mind, but they still need to provide a safe workplace for their employees and that covers contractors.
Someone is responsible for your work environment. Complain to them if you want to take it further.

Someone who witnessed this should have taken further action and reported it. At my company this would be immediate suspension.

Oh look, victim blaming with a nice bow wrapped around it.

How bloody dare he! I would consider contacting the police, it’s outrageous.

Thank you so much for your kind response

Unfortunately there was no time to react any further or sit down, it was five minutes before the start of a funeral ceremony - I am an officiant. The assaulter is a coffin bearer

It happened as I was leaving a side room - which is why feel so disturbed. Thankfully the FD's partner heard the commotion so she is a witness I guess. They assured me they would not hire him again. In terms of who to report to - the crematorium manager maybe. The funeral director is a small independent ive worked with many times and consider a friend

Don’t let this go op. It’s very clearly sexual assault of some kind and happening in front of so many witnesses too.

This! Do the posters who think OP is overreacting think a slap in the face would be ok too? Why does adding an element of sexual assault somehow lessen what he did?

As others have said, I'd recommend thinking through what outcome you want and base your actions on that. But remember you have been assaulted, the fact it was your arse does NOT make it less serious. Massive well done for the way you handled it in the moment too, despite the shock you must have felt.

He's a twat, he sexually assaulted you.
But, if you did pursue it, will it mean you can no longer work, and in the end, end up in a worse position overall? It sounds like you dealt with it rather well.

I would think a civil claim would likely be costly and unlike to succeed.

I wouldn't hold out much hope for a successful criminal prosecution either (though he has committed a criminal offence), but if you report it to the police then hopefully they'll at least interview him under caution and maybe the shock of that will be punishment enough for him.

The specific context makes it SO much worse! How disrespectful to you and to a room full of people in mourning! Jeez.

Hello fellow funeral industry worker. I am an officiant. I was assaulted by a bearer as I left the bearers room (a few of us had been in there to check it out as it was a new room)

Independent small FD who I work with a lot. Bearer who I see regularly

I would report to police then since he is a freelance too presumably. How horrific. Whatever the rights and wrongs of carrying on with the funeral, what incredible strength to be able to do it. So sorry this man assaulted you.

This. You made your thoughts very clear, he apologised and I doubt he’ll ever do it to anyone ever again. Think it’ a major over reaction to take it to the police and to say you feel violated. I’m from a generation who tend to think the police have better things to do than deal with slaps on the bum when your words will do the job.

Contemporary interpretation of physical interaction? He hit her. Would it be OK if someone walked up to you at work and punched you in the face?

But he already has.

This sadly isn’t behaviour that got left in the 1980s, it’s happened to me twice by random strangers just as a woman walking on the street, and both times I’ve found it pretty difficult to process my rage but also the adrenaline that runs through your body as a result of being treated with such disrespect (and attacked, it is an attack). Unless it’s actually happened to you I think it’s probably easy to minimise how awful it feels. If it was someone I worked with and knew the name of, I would definitely want some accountability.

It’s a shame that this is the first thought of many, but I think it looks worse if she doesn’t take action

I think you should take action for sure. Does he have an employer? They should have a policy on sexual harassment. Explain to them what happened and ask what their policy and risk assessment says and how they purport dealing with this.

As you have been assaulted, you could also contact the police