To ponder legal action for being slapped on the arse

[IneedAniffler]

Very long story short, I work in an unregulated industry as a self-employed contractor. I provide a professional service in what can be quite a high-pressure environment, and I take a lot of pride in what I do.

Today, just before I was due to deliver a service, another person working there (in a separate but related role) slapped me hard on the backside. He clearly thought it was “banter” or playful, but I was completely shocked.

I reacted immediately and told him in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable and that he must never do anything like that again. He apologised straight away, and the contractor (who works with both of us) also apologised, as did others present.

The issue is that I then had to go straight on and deliver a half-hour professional service as if nothing had happened, and then go straight to another client meeting. I didn’t really have time to process it at all.

Now I’m home, it’s all hit me properly and I feel incredibly upset. I feel violated, embarrassed, angry, and quite shaken. I also feel a bit stupid even writing this, because technically everyone has apologised and it’s “dealt with”, but it doesn’t feel dealt with to me at all.

There’s no HR in this situation as I’m self-employed, and this isn’t a traditional workplace. I’m just trying to work out whether I’m overreacting, and what (if anything) I should do next.

WWYD?

This. It’s sexual assault. This is what the police are there for, you don’t need to see a solicitor or instigate your own legal action. They will do it for you. Sorry to hear of your experience.

What outcome do you want realistically?
What do you want to have happen to the man who slapped you?
Do you want a more formal apology?
Do you want him to lose his job?
Do you want him to get a criminal record?
Or do you just need more closure on this because of the situation and circumstances that it put you in?
Are you angry at yourself for not doing more at the time of the incident?
Have a good think about what you really want the outcome to be before taking further action. Was this just a really really, stupid misjudged banter slap? Totally unacceptable and the guy responsible is absolutely mortified he did it and will never do it again or is it the office scumbag who thinks he can get away with misogynistic behaviour and would benefit from a formal slaying to end this vile attitude to women once and for all.

Of course it was wrong and you were right to be angry and react strongly but where do you want this to go? You made it clear it was unacceptable and even people who were not even part of it said sorry. If you report it then when it goes to court (which it likely will as sexual assault) and marriages fall apart, children get stuck in the middle and jobs are lost, are you still going to be delivering a professional service, or are people going to avoid you like the plague and avoid going anywhere near you in case they say or do something a bit risqué around you which they potentially end up being arrested for? All that for a slap on the arse? There are people afraid to report far more serious violations because they think they won’t be believed but it sounds like you already made it perfectly clear you won’t tolerate that sort of behaviour. Of course everyone on here will egg you on to report it because it doesn’t effect them and they are all sat at home doing nothing while you have a living to make but think very carefully about what you want from this because it might have future career implications you didn’t expect if you do report it, especially in some male dominated industries.

The only think about legal action is who are you going to take action against and what do you want to gain?

In reality is the offender going to have funds to make a claim worth it?

Police? Then it’s criminal so no cost to you but a lot of hassle and I suspect police will do very little.

It’s 100% disgusting and unacceptable - I’m not trying to say otherwise. Just trying to understand what you’d gain.

I think police is an overreaction but a complaint to his employer is warranted.

You need to raise your self respect out of the gutter. It is assault and a police matter.
Saying sorry doesn't change anything no matter who the perp is or the victim.

He's retired but does the odd bearer job.

He has done it before to the FDs wife and I assume lots of other women - i imagine he will do it again though not to me

I am not really sure what I meant by legal action if im honest I was spiralling. I had to go to client meetings for the rest of the day and also deliver some voice coachings so I didn't have a chance to even process it

. In the most basic way ive been hit. And the fact it was on my backside doesnt change that. Someone struck me, when they thought nobody else would see.

I think my next step is to chat with the FD and the crem manager again about it so its on record - they seem ready to take it seriously

Like a previous poster said its done but now I have to live with the feelings. Those who dont think its a big deal... being belittled in a professional setting... being touched inappropriately... its horrible and diminishing

Thanks to everyone whos replied I honestly needed to read thoae posts to know I'm really not overreacting by being so angry

I am still amazed about this.
If I have got this right you weren't indulging in banter with him.
I used to do this myself but learnt that some guys think that you like this Benny Hill type stuff (no offence to Benny Hill, his reputation was that he was a gentleman in reality but I hope you know what I mean) if you indulge in banter with them so I don't any more.

No giving them the impression I'm game for a laugh. Or cheeky (pardon the pun) humour.

I'm really really surprised that any man who was with a random adult female he did not know woman who was not indulging in banter with him, at such a solemn occasion, would do this.

Serious sexual assault sadly occurs no matter what the current year is and while obviously much more devastating it's not so shocking IYSWIM as what this guy did.

I am not sure I'd go to the police about this. I'm not saying he should go unpunished, though.

I don't think that a slap on the behind necessarily means he's a sexual predator, but in the absence of any banter it does make him unhinged. Or seriously socially uncalibrated.

I think taking it further is a complete overreaction. He was wrong, he apologised. Move on.

Absolutely not victim blaming. I am pointing out the dynamic of the secondary trauma of the assault not being acknowledged by witnesses and what that has left op with.

Four of us were in the room having a light chat, making some jokes at the crem managers expense (he was in the room laughing too) about the quality of the biscuits he'd bought. Very normal light banter - we all get on so well in my local area. The bearer has met me countless times and I always share a chat and light humour- ive never given the impression to anyone that I would enjoy that kind of behaviour, especially whilst we await a bereaved family and their deceased loved one

It's sexual assault and especially shocking in the context of your roles and that you were about to actually officiate at a funeral. I would definitely report to the police. You say he has done it to others so he's a serial offender and he needs to be dealt with.

I do not believe in "banter" as an excuse for this kind of thing anyway but exactly what kind of banter do the excusers on this thread imagine was happening minutes before a funeral service? Even that would be completely inappropriate, let alone physically sexually assaulting someone.

This man needs to lose his job. It's disgusting behaviour.

Some men do this because they know women won't report it because of they are too nice and worry about upsetting the apple cart. Well fuck that for a start.
If some tosser gets a criminal record as a result or his wife partner dumps him / he loses his job, that is due to HIS behaviour and nothing else.
I was sexually assaulted at work and reported it, the boss laughed it off and said it was banter but I brought the police in.
The bloke got the sack - not my problem, then his gf who worked at same place dumped him, turned out he had been handy with other female staff members. Others came forward for the court case and he went on the sex offenders list.
You can definantly do something about this behaviour.

Oh god that is awful I am so sorry that happened to you. He took advantage of the situation which is a typical MO of predators. Relying on you not being able to respond. Maybe take some time to think about next steps and who to report him to.

Report him to the police. There are witnesses so it is not like it is just your word against his. I would also inform the person who owns the premises of what happened if they employ that man.

Ignore the advice of contacting him further, leave that to the police.

My guess would be as well that this is not the first time he has done this to a woman...

It's all very well telling her to report this assault (which is a criminal offence, whether it's considered sexual or not) to the police, but be aware that they may well not take any action at all. Yes, I know they could theoretically give the guy a caution, or even pass the case on for prosecution, but the police are pretty sexist themselves, and often don't take things seriously.

I have reportecd 2 such incidents in the past, and only because they happened to me while i was cycling (yes, along a road! with other traffic around!), and the men who did this were passing in vehicles, and I felt strongly about this also being a serious road safety issue.

On the first occasion, the police did nothing at all. Even though I'd given them the registration number of the vehicle involved. The second time, they actually found the guy, and had a chat with him, but despite him admitting to touching me, as I was riding along, and them having video evidence (this incident happenecd on the multi-lane Old Kent Road in London, which is covered by multiple cameras), they took no further action. He was not cautioned. He received no penalty points on his licence.

OP: I'm totally shocked by your experience, and can understand why you were too. Please ignore anyone on here blaming you for not reacting how they think you should have done. I think you handled it brilliantly, especially considering the setting & nature of your work, and it takes time to process something like this/ work out what to do about it.

I can't even imagine what sort of guy thinks that's an appropriate way to behave in any work setting, but especially not to someone who's just about to officiate at a funeral. Was he employed by the crematorium, or someone else? (I'm guessing that he wasn't just an unpaid relative of the deceased, based on what you've said) I'm glad to hear that those particular funeral directors will probably never use him again, and wonder if they'd help you take some further action to stop him getting any work in the industry?

And what do you think that the police will do? Have a word? Maybe but there isn't any way this is going to trial.

Sorry, the reality is that if women indulge in Benny Hill-esque banter with men those men then think that they're 'game for a laugh' and a slap on the bum may be OK in keeping with the bawdy humour.

Not saying it's right, just the way it is.

That's why I don't do it any more. No way.

As for your assertion that people in dark situations don't indulge in banter (not sexual), you've got it arse backwards.
My professional role is one most people wouldn't do and my colleagues and I have all developed a dark sense of humour. It alleviates tension.

As previously said have a chat with the fd and say that you don't want this man to be a bearer when you officiate again. I don't see who else you can report it to but I know it's a horrible feeling.
We had a chap at work who did it to me in front of our manager and I actually shouted at him that if he ever touched me again I would punch his lights out (I know two wrongs don't make a right) but I was shocked plus it hurt. He apologised and my manager asked if I wanted to report him for sexual harassment and I said no as long as he looked the other way if he did it again and I slapped him.
We did eventually ask a manager to have a word because while me and the older ladies could put him in his place there were a few younger ones who were a bit intimidated by his lechy behaviour. He did calm down but it's not nice.

You need to stop excusing/enabling the behaviour of men who assault women.

It is not about apologising, it is about men understanding that they should not behave in such ways in the first place and that if they do assault women there will be consequences to their actions.

Sorry this happened to you OP.
I would absolutely inform the crematorium manager that you were assaulted on their premises. I would also contact all the FDs I worked with to inform them I would not work with this individual again under any circumstances. They'll ask why - tell them. Much more effective than reporting to the police.

From someone who lived through the 70s and 80s - completely inappropriate. I almost agree with this post except the part to tell him how you feel. I don’t think anyone who would smack someone like that would take that on board. It would probably make them think along the lines of “effing snowflake it was just banter”.

I would just contact to say closer to “this happened, it was unacceptable, do not ever touch me again”. Legal action should happen but will probably end up being costly and overwhelming.

I still recall a similar violation when I was twenty. I dismissed it at the time because nobody would have taken me seriously and I would have lost my job. Fifty years later I wish I had slapped him in the face. Well done Op for getting an apology at the time.

Just seen your update, OP, about him doing this to at least one other woman.
And that he's pretty much retired - so not working that often/ maybe doesn't need the money, so it's more a hobby for him nowadays...

I'm now finding myself wondering if there are other ways he could be punished/ re-educated/ shamed for his behaviour, eg what would his grandchildren think about his actions? Or the people at his church/ bowling society/ art group? Is there a local paper which could run a story about his inappropriate behaviour? Or can you be bothered printing some posters and putting them up around town/ his local shops? It might be quite satisfying...

You're not to be messed with by the sounds of it!

Not that there's ever a right place for this. It would be wrong anywhere but I can't think of a more inappropriate place!

Is this not assault and a police matter?
I would think very seriously about reporting him for assault.