AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

Totally agree, if she wants it she pays towards it.

All or none. We had a similar situation and the partners with more money paid more. You really can’t expect your husband to favour your joint children over his own.

I agree that I wouldn’t want to pay towards someone else’s child. But that is why I absolutely wouldn’t merry someone who already had children. But you have, so you are now a blended family and should treat all the children equally.

If it does end up that your children go to private school but DSS doesn’t, DH should at least put the half of funds that would have gone towards his education into a savings account for when he’s older. But really they should all have the same opportunities.

You
Sound
Awful

Are we taking "insisting" as gospel though? If I were that mother I wouldn't insist as such but I would make it very clear what I thought of my ex husband and his new wife treating one child differently from the others.

If you are determined not to contribute anything for your stepson the best thing would be for you to pay 100% for your kids yourself and step son doesn't go at all. Your husband can't be implicated in treating one of his kids differently - even if the amount spent per child is the same, one still can't go on that basis. If he can't afford for all to go, he shouldn't be contributing to the others. You'll be worse off, but it will avoid any issues with multiple people paying for the stepson, which could go wrong easily.
If you're well off it might be an idea to be a bit more generous to your stepson though, he will be keenly aware of the difference in lifestyles between his mum and you, even without the private education for his half siblings.
You did marry a man with a child which always has financial implications, whether you like it or not. You're being a bit naive expecting to cover only your own kids' expenses when you're now a family unit with a stepson. I feel sorry for your stepson in this situation, he's stuck in the middle and can probably sense your resentment.

I don’t think it’s fair for me, as my children’s only mother, to take away money that would go to their future so that DH’s son can attend now. Especially when there are other alternatives, like tutoring and extracurricular activities (which DH already pays for fully)?

by DHs son do you mean your kids half brother. I think you’re looking at it all wrong here. You chose to give this boy half brothers so you have a responsibility to him.

How about you pay for your DCs leaving DH able to pay for his son. Then your DC equalises matters within your family unit by paying more of your mortgage than you do.

Does his stepson live with you? If not why would your husband pay more for the household expenses?

Why have you called them “my” children?

You have saying he is paying for them regardless I am simply saying if I were a parent I would never finance a situation which does not treat my children equitably.

I don’t know what the relevance is of nieces and nephews to a blended family situation. But I reiterate you were foolish to enter into a blended family arrangement. But you asked for views and we are sharing them. Personally I think being part of a blended family means acknowledging that some of your finances end up partly covering other kids. Which is why I would not do it.

And you are not being made to pay. Nobody is forcing you.

Your SS is 7 so already in school and so has already been treated less favourably than you are proposing his father treats your two children.

As such you should wait until your younger children are also 7 before they can go to private school. That will give your DH longer to save up so that they can all be treated equally.

Oh hang on. By the time your younger children are at that age, the cost of their year 4 is going to be more than the cost of your stepson's was. So actually he should get some extra money from his father to offset the fact that his fees for year 4 were £15k and theirs will be c£16K.

Do you see how your argument fails.

So the problem is that you think your DH should contribute equally to each child. He thinks each of his children should have the same outcome/opportunities.

Sometimes there is such a disparity in wealth between families that there is no way to make things equal.

I don't see the point in sending primary school age to private schools. Secondary I totally see the advantage. Why not sent them all to state school, giving your husband a chance to save up for a few years to pay his share?

Solution is you top up your kids or none of the kids go… that’s fairness as a father

The question should be can you as a household afford to send the three children in your household to private school, considering all income including any contributions from parents outside the household.

If it’s a no, then no children go. If you can afford to send all of your own children with finances outside of household finances then you can do that too. You absolutely cannot insist that a parent (your DH) provides funding that allows some but not all of his children to go to private school. He either provides funds and they all go, or he provides no funds and someone else funds some of his children to go in a way he has no influence over.

everyone picks their favourite child and takes sole responsibility for that childs education.

And if the mom can’t afford it she can’t afford it. Not everybody had jobs that can cover private school fees. Which is why only 7% of children attend private schools.

Jesus, he pays more to the household bills despite you being the higher earner? A woman in your husband's situation would be being told to leave you. Marriage is teamwork. This is like a business agreement.

I’m a stepmother so can see where you are coming from as things can’t always be 100% the same, but I think that all your DH’s children have to be treated the same when it comes to education.
If you insist your children have a private education, that your DH can’t afford for his eldest, then I would expect you to pay for the younger two entirely yourself.
Putting your DH in the position of treating two of his children so fundamentally different to another is only going to build resentment and could easily split up your family.

Sounds like you can’t afford it as a family as if he can’t afford to pay another half school fees, he won’t able to keep up with the inevitable increases that applies to his “half”

If you can afford it, I would pay towards your SS, assuming it's important to you that your children go private- maybe with an agreement that his parents will pay more if and when they can. Treating the children differently will destroy your family. It's not fair but it's the easiest way to prevent that happening.

I’d say nobody or all of them go this is sounding really cruel the more i read you can’t push the SS out.

My friends dd btw is a top accountant earning lots she went to state schools and worked hard and did well - people have this notion about private education but ultimately you can’t buy brain cells if they’re bright they’re bright and will do well wherever they go. Of they aren’t as academic they may be sporty or artistic and have other areas they excel in.

It’s unreasonable for him to be paying 50% for the two children you have together, but then his third child being unable to go as a third place is not affordable to him / child’s mother.

I don’t actually think you are unreasonably for not wanting to pay for your stepchild’s education - but, it is unreasonable to expect your DH to only support two places (and associated benefits) for your shared bio children, while his third child just goes without.

Honestly the cost of putting 3 kids through private from prep age is an insane financial commitment, unless you are extremely wealthy I’d query if this was a sensible decision anyway.

That boggled my mind too. He has another child so despite earning less still pays more of the household bills. Whut???

I’m also a high paid state schooled accountant that has far surpassed a number of my private schooled colleagues in my career…