AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

Thats the solution op. You pay for just your dc to go for now and your dh saves until he is in a position to pay fully for his ds and half for your dc . He explains to his ex thst you are paying for your dc and it’s not his decision and he is treating them equally by saving until he can fund all 3.

Initially I thought you were unreasonable but I have started to feel that the dss mother is the truly unreasonable one, unless he is very unhappy at his current school for a reason such as bullying.

To be honest though I think you should start off with your dc going to the local state funded school for a couple of years and see how they get on. Many children have at least one school move.. A few children at my dcs school moved to private during primary but the majority who went private did so at secondary year 7 because they were happy at the primary and doing well. You could save the money until your dc can all go to private school.

Also check with lawyer if you see one to see what you could be on the hook for with regards to education of your stepson if you're subsidizing part of her funding share by that 10% and accepting less than half from your husband for your 2. You might want to rescind that 10% offer. Be careful about setting up future financial obligations with them for yourself.

You might want to see a financial advisor with fiduciary duty if you have that where you are to explore financial goals and run this by them.

@CherriBerri honestly stand your ground. Mine go private and im a single parent. My ex couldn't afford to help but we were separated anyway. I have to say I resented him because he couldn't get his shit together to help me but it was important to me.

Let your ex sort it out with his ex. She needs to pay half. If they want to split it unequally between them, that's fine, but it has to be between them.

You fund the rest of the cost for your two kids ie where he can't make up the difference. But at that point id be splitting up because of the resentment. It would eat away at me.

Just seen that you have come to an arrangement where your DH puts away the money for half the fees for his DS while paying half the fees for your joint children. I get why DSS's mum may still be put out that his children aren't being educated the same but I wouldn't give it too much thought so long as you and DH are on the same page. I would work on making sure DSS doesn't feel left out and understands when he is old enought that his Dad has treated them all equally. If your DSS needs tutoring or any additional support or extra curriculars he is missing out on by not attending private school, then your DH will be able to use some of that money to help with that. He may even be in a position to move DS to private school at a later date after saving up if his finances/his exes finances improve.

I hope it all works out and there is no resentment from any of the children further down the line (or between the two of you).

The child came before the woman. When you set up your life with someone with a dependent then that comes with responsibilities that unfortunately will impact your life. If you don’t want this in your life meet someone without kids

Overall I agree with you OP. I would propose a tie breaker.

You pay individually for both your kids to go to private school. It’s absolutely no business of DH’s ex how your kids are educated.

Clearly that will deplete your money rather significantly!

So your dh stumps up for all the extras like family holidays, holiday clubs and after school clubs, clothes, food, and kids savings so that HIS money is fairly split three ways across the kids. When the kids have a special event like a school trip or want to have an extracurricular then this comes out of their individual savings pot.

Behind the scenes if you can’t now afford to fund the household as much as you could before, then your dh makes up the shortfall.

That way no one is getting more from their dad - and you aren’t funding your DH’s ex’s responsibility to pay school fees.

No-one has to do anything much if they really don't want to.

But I think what the op was asking - and what people are saying - is what do posters feel is decent behaviour.

Only five year olds say "don't have to!" or "make me!" and think that's clever.

what can DS1’s mother afford ?
Shd really has no say in this game, she doesn’t get to make demands.
This will happen again, over holidays, sports & other things you pay for

I agree with this. I think it really is that simple.

A stepparent is a legal stranger. Marrying a parent comes with zero responsibilities for their child. Said child remains the responsibility of their actual parents.

A stepparent may choose to assume some responsibilities, but it is entirely up to them to decide what they want that to look like.

If a parent wants a partner to be all in when it comes to any existing children then the onus is on them to not partner with someone who isn’t offering that.

I still don’t get why this has suddenly become an issue. If there was no mention of private school before how has this come about?

I don't fit into any of those groups.

I'm putting myself into the shoes of a child whose parents separate, dad goes on to create a lovely family of four with someone else, he lives with and sees those children everyday, pays for private school for them while the oldest goes to state school... it's not something I could do to a child. Even with logic and reason to justify why.
However the dh was irresponsible to not think about this and what he could afford, before bringing two more children into the world.

Looking at this differently op, how would you feel if the ex approached DH and said she feels she can afford private education but she'd like DH to contribute 50 percent and DH and his ex then decided to fund the eldest 50/50 to have a private education, but DH wouldn't send your younger two because you couldn't afford to stump up your 50 percent?

If he can afford it and you can afford it is be inclined to be delighted to offer all of themt he same opportunities. That's said I think private school is bad for everyone so I'd be inclined to say all go or none go and if I was your husband that would be my stance.

However the dh was irresponsible to not think about this and what he could afford, before bringing two more children into the world.

Normally I would heartily agree with this comment but actually in this case the DH is not the one pushing for the extra expense and is in fact putting his foot down about parity of treatment. So I think he's off the hook this time ... He seems able to afford them up to the point the OP brought private education into the equation.

I would not care as long as the same is being financially invested for the younger two.

By the time they’re old enough to notice the difference, they’ll understand that they have the money saved for them instead. They’d also have access it tutoring alongside extracurricular, and if it’s suitable for them, perhaps grammar would be an option.

These things are already available to his son.

You find a way for all 3 to go to private school or non do. You knew he had a child when you decided to have children with him so you need accept responsibility here.

If your DH can afford to pay 50% of the fees for all three children, this equates to roughly 150% of the price of schooling for one child (ignoring the fact that school fees will vary depending on age and school).

@CherriBerri, would you be prepared to conceive of an option where he puts 50% of what he can afford (i.e. 75% of the price of schooling one child) to pay towards schooling for his offspring from his previous relationship, and the other 50% towards schooling for the offspring he has with you?

In effect this would mean that he paid 75% of the school fees for his son with his ex. You have already kindly offered to pay 10%. Could his ex afford 15% of her son's school fees?

Your DH would then pay 37.5% of your shared DC's fees until the time when his elder son leaves school.

It might not be fair as you see it, but it's a version of fair and that may be what you need to work towards as adults. Could you live with this option if it could be made to work? The truth is that your own DCs will still end up with more than his eldest son, including riding lessons, school ski trips, private tuition etc. But in years to come there may still be an outcome where his eldest son does not always feel like the poor relation.

I hope you collectively find a way forward.

someone always gets less. Usually the step child. Her kids have the benefit of a 2 parent household who both love their kids equally, they don’t have to adapt to 2 different set of rules, 2 different step parents and they also have to watch 2 siblings being closer to each other than they are to them. So whilst we all think of the monetary fairness, which must be fair and split down the middle no one is actually considering the emotional unfairness. So for these 2 already privileged kids (statistics back me up with the outcomes of nuclear families staying together) they’re about to be catapulted even higher in their advantage of their half sibling. As that child’s dad he should be providing all 3 kids with the same chances. She got with a man with a kid so she should also be prepared that this will also mean being out of pocket. She already stated they can afford to send all 3 private if only she put more in,

Bottom line is his ex wants her son to go to private school but she wants you and your DH to pay for it.

I think it would be fairer if DH pays for 100% of his first child and 25% of the cost of his other two children, with OP paying the other 75%.

It’s much cleaner and more simple if she doesn’t make any kind of financial commitment towards her stepchild, because who knows what the future will bring.

at this point she’s planning on having to pay 100% of the cost of her two children going anyway, so having that 25% contribution, while imperfect, will be a relief.

That is indeed true, they don’t have to. Seeing as you are apparently capable of grasping that concept, I’m not sure why the repeated insistence that OP ‘needs’ to do what you think she should.

Neither OP nor her husband have ever expected OP to act as a mother to his child. She explicitly did not sign up for that, and nor has she assumed that role.

Her husband was in full agreement when it came to their shared children’s education, and this has been their plan for years. The only reason he had a problem is because his ex objected. He’s now decided to go with their original plan anyway, so ultimately caused OP stress for absolutely no reason.

Yes, these same parents decided that I wasn’t to be a parental figure. This was agreed before marriage and children.

He knows he has three kids and he needs to provide for them equally. I know that I have two, that I am responsible for and I pay extra for their futures. The eldest’s mother has one that she is responsible for, and cannot pay.

If I’m not allowed shared parental responsibilities, why must I pay? It’s not free money, but I pay for his regular daily expenses without issue. Since when did stepparent become synonymous with adoptive parent?

There are always going to be money issues in this relationship because you and him can give your shared children more advantages than he and his ex can for their son. I would have thought of this before having a child with someone who already has children. This will come up time and time again when it's time for their driving lessons ,getting them a car etc.

In this instance I would want him to pay half the fees for the shared children and ypu pay for the other half. For his son he should put away what his half of the fees would be for his son and put it towards extra curricular like music lessons, swimming, football and tuition if he needs support with learning.

That is a good idea too. I don't know if either option is "fairer" than the other, but both are good options if they work for all the adults involved.