Page 37 | AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

CherriBerri · 2026-04-17T10:40:43+00:00

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2). I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other. The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three. My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school. However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right. There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

NamelessNancy · 17/04/2026 19:17

Sparklingwaterornothing · 17/04/2026 16:38

What job does your husband do OP? Is there a compromise where he could work extra hard and manage the fees for all three? A second job?

is this argument about more than just the fees, sounds from your original post that you work the hardest!

I genuinely cannot imagine any scenario where a child would benefit enough from a private primary education to warrant a parent getting a second job!

For one thing surely they benefit more from a parent's time at this age, and for another the money could almost certainly enrich their lives more spent on travel, clubs, fun. Absolute madness imo.

ThatAquaRobin · 17/04/2026 19:25

As per the votes.
Your husband should pay the full fee for his eldest.
You can cover the fees for your blood related children yourself, and perhaps he reduces how much he contributes for the younger two's fees. That's the only fair way.

DOI- privately educated myself.
Divorced with two kids in state education but I'd pay myself if I needed to educate them privately (due to academic issues or bullying etc) No kids with my current partner.

wishfulthinking25 · 17/04/2026 19:25

lovealieinortwo · 17/04/2026 11:46

This is why I would never have a blended family, so much trouble for the dc.

Completely agree.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/04/2026 19:26

FlowersInTheWindows · 17/04/2026 19:01

I don't fit into any of those groups.

I'm putting myself into the shoes of a child whose parents separate, dad goes on to create a lovely family of four with someone else, he lives with and sees those children everyday, pays for private school for them while the oldest goes to state school... it's not something I could do to a child. Even with logic and reason to justify why.
However the dh was irresponsible to not think about this and what he could afford, before bringing two more children into the world.

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This is spot on.

the op can argue and ruminate etc till the cows come home,

but I would put my child first if I was the husband in this relationship and leave any adult that was complicit in making my child feel second best to his siblings. Well, to be fair if I was the husband, I wouldn’t blend families ever, always, always shit for the kids.

they all go, or none go.

Zanatdy · 17/04/2026 19:29

No you shouldn’t have to fund it. If his ex can’t afford her share why on earth should you pay. I agree with you.

Ticktockk · 17/04/2026 19:30

Seems a bit mean. You married him. He has a son. Send them all to private school if you have the means.
Seems weird to me that your money is yours and his money is his.

FTMaz · 17/04/2026 19:30

PenelopePinkerton · 17/04/2026 16:56

I’m with the OP here. DSS mum needs to step up and earn more. Why should the OP subsidise her?

Not all jobs allow you to earn the type of money needed to go to private school. For example if I split from my husband I wouldn’t be able to afford them alone as I work in education. I work more hours than him and studied more than him but my career does not pay as well as the private sector. So if we split up and he had another child with someone else it would be okay for him to send them to private school but not our son together? Get real.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/04/2026 19:30

CherriBerri · 17/04/2026 13:58

You can see my comment history, I have suggested all these alternatives already.

The issue is that the mother refusing alternatives, because she wants him to go now. In turn my husband is trying to encourage me to pay, because the mother is complaining that it’s unfair that I won’t help pay, despite the large assistance she already receives from us.

I’m displeased with my husbands reaction, even though this was not shared with her, it’s the principle behind it. As father of all three kids, he should give equally - what he doesn’t give in custody he pays as CMS, that’s fair. What’s not fair is expecting partners to excessively contribute for children that they don’t have a meaningful say in.

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Why is she so insistant that her son goes to private school now? Your kids aren't even at school yet so it isn't as though he has to watch his half siblings going to private school when he doesn't.

If she agreed to wait until her finished primary school, she and your DH would have time to save up the fees for a private secondary school when he is 11.

I think that she is cheeky to expect you to pay for her son's private education. She lives with her parents who pay the rent and bills so she must have quite a lot of disposable income, even though she only works part-time. She could also work full-time and she could then probably pay her share of the school fees quite comfortably.

Original poster

CherriBerri · 17/04/2026 19:31

ThatAquaRobin · 17/04/2026 19:25

As per the votes.
Your husband should pay the full fee for his eldest.
You can cover the fees for your blood related children yourself, and perhaps he reduces how much he contributes for the younger two's fees. That's the only fair way.

DOI- privately educated myself.
Divorced with two kids in state education but I'd pay myself if I needed to educate them privately (due to academic issues or bullying etc) No kids with my current partner.

He can pay the full fee and save nothing for his son, I’ve never complained about that option and I’ve offered to over any additional expenses.

If he doesn’t want to, I don’t see any circumstance where the youngest children receive less from their father. Why should these children pay because the adult mother of the eldest could not pay for her own child?

My children and I haven’t caused any losses for his son, he doesn’t see his father less, and contrarily, he has access to much more funds. I don’t see how a reverse situation, where my children suffer losses is better - the eldest isn’t in a losing position by any means.

OP posts:

Ticktockk · 17/04/2026 19:31

NamelessNancy · 17/04/2026 19:17

I genuinely cannot imagine any scenario where a child would benefit enough from a private primary education to warrant a parent getting a second job!

For one thing surely they benefit more from a parent's time at this age, and for another the money could almost certainly enrich their lives more spent on travel, clubs, fun. Absolute madness imo.

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Honestly, I teach at a state school and my children go to private school. I would do literally anything to keep them there for the opportunities and experience they get over my state school class.

Tiddlywinky · 17/04/2026 19:31

I'm with your DH. The most sensible solution.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 17/04/2026 19:34

FTMaz · 17/04/2026 19:30

Not all jobs allow you to earn the type of money needed to go to private school. For example if I split from my husband I wouldn’t be able to afford them alone as I work in education. I work more hours than him and studied more than him but my career does not pay as well as the private sector. So if we split up and he had another child with someone else it would be okay for him to send them to private school but not our son together? Get real.

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If she was paying for it, of course it would! The issue isn’t just that she doesn’t have enough money, it’s that she’s insisting he and OP pays.

Whatado · 17/04/2026 19:34

CherriBerri · 17/04/2026 18:20

Thank you, for understanding why I find this so unfair, and for clearly articulating what I have failed to do so. He has said that he will pay for mine, and save the share for the eldest, this was always the plan + alternative arrangements if the mother couldn’t afford her share.

I’m posting because this is being brought up every time the mother complains; it’s constant. It’s as though I’m being intermittently encouraged and pushed into an unfair, large financial commitment beyond what I already offer. I don’t think it’s right, and I wanted to hear other perspectives.

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In your position I would think my husband was a really poor father if he thought that was an appropriate solution.

Him not paying for your joint children wont stop you being able to send them.

If he or you left each other tomorrow tomorrow your joint children would still have that opportunity. You dont need the money for your children that's the point.

Gtfto2024 · 17/04/2026 19:36

How can you not be in your stepson life when you live with the father? You complain the boys mother can't contribute to school fees, but when is she supposed to work if she is the sole parent bringing up her dc as his father has shocked up with another women, had a second family and doesn't appear to be assuming parental responsibility for 50% of the child's life?

Dead beat dad will be complaining in 15 years that his son thinks he's a twat and wants nothing to do with him or his new family.

If your husband wants his second family to have private education, then he should do the same for his first family. Anything else is disgusting behaviour and shows a total disregard for his oldest. Treating dc as equals is the very least a step parent should do.

Applecup · 17/04/2026 19:36

CherriBerri · 17/04/2026 16:14

Hello, I appreciate your answer and I think it is fair position from your perspective and what your family mutually value. Thank you.

Personally, I apply the same equal spending principle to my children. Outside of living expenses, which is proportional to the age and needs of household members, I have an amount reserved for the schooling and savings. From there, I’d pay their fees and save the rest. Because of this, I wouldn’t have another child if I couldn’t afford to maintain the investments of the older two, to provide for the youngest.

For my husband, when we discussed this, prior to marriage and children, he was fine with saving the entire amount for the eldest. But this has changed following backlash from the mother and the subsequent guilt - this is why I feel betrayed as he reversing from our marital agreements to placate his guilt, despite all the children are receiving the same from him overall.

So while I do understand him, asking me to pay £100k+ for years of the eldest’s school fees, is unfair, while the biological mother contributes nothing and my children lose out. This is on top of me offering to pay an extra percentage, and agreeing to help him with extra expenses associated from private school. Those expenses would be in the aforementioned joint account, where we split household expenses. You also have to consider that because I’m the step-mother, I don’t have a say a major decisions making in the eldest’s life. And in that scenario, why should I be expected to fund decisions I can’t influence - this is where the sentiment of being used comes in?

So it is not fair that the eldest does not have the same parents as his siblings. Neither he, nor the father, can control what resources each mother has financially and what arises from that as a consequence. But as the father, he can only compensate by doing the best he can to afford equal financial support for all his children. So paying more in favour of one child, may equalise opportunities on the surface, but in practicality it means that he offered less to the youngest two. The same way the oldest didn’t ask to be here, the same applies to the younger two.

And in regard to my nieces and nephews, I actively helped raise them from birth, prior to my own; I sincerely dote on them as my own children. With my husbands child, I care and love him, but I have no active role in raising him nor have I been allowed any meaningful say in his upbringing - for him I’m just an adult figure who shares a home with his father. Of these two, how would it be reasonable for me to pay for the schooling of one and exclude the group?

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Why do you keep banging on about your niece and nephew. It’s hardly the same.

NoisyViewer · 17/04/2026 19:37

CherriBerri · 17/04/2026 19:31

He can pay the full fee and save nothing for his son, I’ve never complained about that option and I’ve offered to over any additional expenses.

If he doesn’t want to, I don’t see any circumstance where the youngest children receive less from their father. Why should these children pay because the adult mother of the eldest could not pay for her own child?

My children and I haven’t caused any losses for his son, he doesn’t see his father less, and contrarily, he has access to much more funds. I don’t see how a reverse situation, where my children suffer losses is better - the eldest isn’t in a losing position by any means.

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Because your children have the benefit of a full time dad. His other child doesn’t. Your kids are already way more advantaged

MyMonthlyNameChange · 17/04/2026 19:38

Ticktockk · 17/04/2026 19:30

Seems a bit mean. You married him. He has a son. Send them all to private school if you have the means.
Seems weird to me that your money is yours and his money is his.

Well it has to be separate money for precisely this reason. Otherwise OP ends up subsidising the ex's choices not to work full time.

Caddycat · 17/04/2026 19:40

I see both sides of the argument, but at the end of the day it is not your responsibility. Will you pay for school trips, cars, house deposits if you do it for your DC and she can't afford to do it?

I would suggest you and your DH pay half for your joint DC, then DH puts the same amount of money in an account for your DSS, so things are fair. Unless DSS lives with you, in which case I'd probably say you should pay for the other half of the fees so that you dont take 2 to private schools while he walks to the local comp.

Original poster

CherriBerri · 17/04/2026 19:41

Applecup · 17/04/2026 19:36

Why do you keep banging on about your niece and nephew. It’s hardly the same.

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Because I raised them like my own children and see them just as often as his son, across a year. I don’t raise his son because I have been disallowed from doing so.

How does it make sense for me to pay for the eldest and not the others - they’re both not my biological children and I have no legal responsibility for them, but I raised my blood nieces and nephews and am accepted as their family member. I haven’t been treated as a family member to the eldest’s by his parents.

OP posts:

Whatado · 17/04/2026 19:42

CherriBerri · 17/04/2026 19:31

He can pay the full fee and save nothing for his son, I’ve never complained about that option and I’ve offered to over any additional expenses.

If he doesn’t want to, I don’t see any circumstance where the youngest children receive less from their father. Why should these children pay because the adult mother of the eldest could not pay for her own child?

My children and I haven’t caused any losses for his son, he doesn’t see his father less, and contrarily, he has access to much more funds. I don’t see how a reverse situation, where my children suffer losses is better - the eldest isn’t in a losing position by any means.

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Because their parents decided that they would have them as part of a blended family.

As we are both SPs if we ever broke up I would never put our younger children in another blended family situation. This risk of ending up in a blend that actually is incredibly toxic in the long term for all the children is too high.

Its like winning a lottery ticket to actually have spouses who genuinely work together for supporting long term relationships at their core.

Ultimately the ex can say she wants his son will grow up see with his own eyes how he was treated in his fathers family unit versus his siblings. And it will be for him to judge and decide as an adult what type of relationship he wants with his father and siblings. Just like all of us do as adults with our parental families.

Original poster

CherriBerri · 17/04/2026 19:43

NoisyViewer · 17/04/2026 19:37

Because your children have the benefit of a full time dad. His other child doesn’t. Your kids are already way more advantaged

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How is that the fault of me or my children, and why should we pay for actions his parents have caused? It’s unreasonable.

OP posts:

TheSassyPinkJoker · 17/04/2026 19:43

CherriBerri · 17/04/2026 19:41

Because I raised them like my own children and see them just as often as his son, across a year. I don’t raise his son because I have been disallowed from doing so.

How does it make sense for me to pay for the eldest and not the others - they’re both not my biological children and I have no legal responsibility for them, but I raised my blood nieces and nephews and am accepted as their family member. I haven’t been treated as a family member to the eldest’s by his parents.

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No OP your just a walking bank for the grabby ex. Tell her to go full time after all she's got ready made childcare at her parents

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 17/04/2026 19:45

IWaffleAlot · 17/04/2026 11:48

Same. And I would never ever ever see my kids lose a penny for someone else’s child.
dont get drawn into it op. Stand your ground. If the mother can’t afford her half then thats not your problem. Fees are a very huge long commitment and you don’t ever want to touch that with someone else’s child.

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If I was her DH I would just say ok none of them can go, then OP will be responsible for paying for both children’s full fees if she wants to send them. Two can play that game can’t they?

Butchyrestingface · 17/04/2026 19:45

Tableforjoan · 17/04/2026 18:42

No because I’m too selfish and wouldn’t want someone else’s child living with me on and off either.

Thus my attitude here of not ops child not ops purse.

and yes I was / am a step child and no we did not get everything exactly the same as we both understood we had our own extended families. Also there is no hard feelings or even the word half between me and my sibling.

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But that's fine, IMO, because as you say, you wouldn't have married someone with a kid.

This OP did willingly marry someone with a kid. So I think it's reasonable that some of the choices she would otherwise have been able to make had she chosen differently are now somewhat curtailed. Which is not the same as saying I think she should pay for her stepson's private education (I don't).

Ilovelifeverymuch · 17/04/2026 19:47

AgnesMcDoo · 17/04/2026 17:56

You are supposed to be a family and should be pooling your resources together.

And you can’t private educate 2 out of 3 children. They all go or none do.

Do what is best for the kids.

That's on DH and the fair thing for DH to do is spend an equal amount for each child which is half each. DSS's mom doesn't get to demand that OP must pay the other half to keep things fair for her child.

So either ex wife gets a full time job to make up the difference if she really wants her son to also go private or reach a deal with DH to save/invest the half for her son for something else. Put it aside for him and maybe fund future education or something but she doesn't get to demand OP make up the short fall especially as she works part time.