AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

Because he belongs to the man that you married. I’m assuming you didn’t marry him on the very day you both met, so surely you were fully aware of the circumstances and chose to give his son siblings? It seems like you don’t see his son as an extension of the man you apparently love so why marry him? If I there was a private school close to me I would have absolutely sent my kids private, don’t blame you for that! But if I was a parent with a previous child? Over my dead body would I be agreeing to only two of them going.

Why does OP have to make any amends for that though? It was her DH and his ex who made it that way by breaking up in the first place.

So much guilt and responsibility for everyone's happiness is heaped on the shoulders of step mothers but (unless in the case of affairs) it's not their guilt to shoulder.

Don't want your child to be part of a blended family? Don't split up with their parent. Or, if you do, don't start a new relationship and have DCs. This is all on DH and his ex.

It's not a step mother's job to to fix what she didn't break or make things fair when she didn't make them unfair.

Logically, I’d say that he is the only person who is the common parent for all three children, so this falls on him. If he can’t work out an arrangement where all three of his children get an equal opportunity to each other then none of them should have it. That is fairer than excluding one of his children from having that opportunity while giving it to the other two.

It’s muddied because you want the best for your own children and don’t see why you should make sacrifices to pay for a child who isn’t biologically yours, or stop your own children from having a private education purely make things fair for what you view as someone else’s child.

The thing is, you’re married and your family is knitted together. You can’t split this so ‘his’ child is treated differently to ‘your’ children. There are three children in the family and they all deserve to be treated equally because it’s not their fault there’s not enough money to cover them all.

That seems like the most obvious approach. OP insists they are going even if she has to pay full whack. So the natural response from her husband would be "Okay, you do that then" ... and then he takes the contribution he would have made to children no 2 and 3's education and pays the entirety of his eldest child's fees. All three end up in private school. Which is surely a win-win from his point of view.

Is it the same private school, have you negotiated the price for 3 children. Explain the situation and negotiate. You might get a good deal that allows all 3 of them to go.

Poor boy. Having such a cold hard stepmother.

I think you’re getting a rough ride on here OP. I have 2 DC at private school and the financial commitment is huge. It’s not the same as ensuring all 3 DC get a new pair of trainers, or go on an expensive school trip. It’s hundreds of thousands of pounds, spread over years and years.

The reality is OP’s 2 DC have two parents, who between them, can afford private school for them. OP’s step son, has two parents who can’t. Part of the decision when DH and I chose private school, was could we still afford it, if one of us lost our job. Because taking your DC out of school because you can no longer afford the fees is an awful situation to be in. If OP’s DH lost his job, it sounds like OP would be in a position to continue paying fees for their shared DC. Would she then be expected to pay full fees for all 3, because he could no longer continue paying his son’s fees? It’s not just about who pays what now, but you need a solid contingency plan because this is a 10 year + financial commitment.

OP and her DH are treating all 3 children equally in terms of £ spent - DH is paying 50% of the school fees for all 3 of his children.

OP is paying 50% for her children.

DSS's mum can't pay her 50% share, so he can't go to private school now, but could either go for secondary school, or keep having his school fee money from his dad mount up in his savings account for when he's older.
His mum has options - get a full-time job; ask her parents if they can help; apply for a bursary; use some of her CMS.
But she doesn't seem prepared to do any of that.
Also it's worth noting that DSS is happy in his state school, and there was originally never any intention of him going to private school

I can totally see OP's point.

If she and DH were to divorce, then she would have no right to see her DSS, and no obligation to pay anything towards any of his needs.
Her DH would still be obliged to pay towards all three of his children's living costs.

Perhaps if the dh nd his new wife had been having hos son 50/50, then his dm could have built a career that paid enough for her to afford school fees.

Dead beat dad chose not to though.

You sound awful OP. You should ensure your DSS has the same opportunities as your children.

Blended families are tricky, but I'd be very reluctant to pay half so that two of my children could attend a private school if it meant one could not.

I'd honestly rather all three went to state school and I'd put the money into (equal) saving pots for all of them.

OP can afford to send both of her children to private school without her DHs support. Her DH can afford to contribute 25% of their fees and afford to send his eldest to private school too. If that’s not acceptable to his DW then her DH can just say ok I won’t contribute anything then. If you’re paying anyway I’ll just pay for my eldest. OP is being spiteful. He is a parent to three kids and splitting the money equally doesn’t mean they are being treated equally, as one of his children won’t be able to go to private school. The equal thing to do is arrange his finances to allow all of his children to go

Yanbu- it's absolutely reasonable for the father of the three children to give x amount towards his 3 dc schooling/tutoring/whatever. Then if the mother of the children can put in enough to fund private schooling then so be it. You can, she can't. That's life. I think your dh is being a dick when he expects you to fund his child's private school. He's just as entitled as his ex.

Yes… the money not currently spent on fees is being deposited into his savings, for him to utilise as an adult, in addition to tutoring and extracurricular activities…

It is such an unfortunate situation… to be around a person whom enables their access to large sums of money, giving a massive head start in life. Life is so hard when you’re privileged.

I do think the rest of your points have validity but only view from your own perspective, this point seems absurd. You did not make a marriage commitment to your sister knowing she had children and then choose to have two more children with her. Neither you nor your sister are the parent to all 4 children. It is not remotely the same

Having said the above I still think that private school is ridiculous before secondary

thats not equal for OP

I'm not understanding, op, how you don't see that you made a choice to enter into this family. You seem very focused on the ex being the problem, but you chose to have children with this man and you must have known about the ex when you embarked on this family arrangement.

Tbh several of your comments make me feel this is about your resentment of the ex even more than about the child going or not going. You seem terrified she will somehow benefit from the situation.

Why wouldn’t the eldest son mom sacrifice some of her child support money? She sits back & lets the step parents pay for her contribution that is so not fair.

Why isn’t it? She will be paying 75% of their school fees, which she can afford. Or she can pay 100% and lose her husband and 50% custody of her children after they split up

I am not a parent to either, nor did I make any commitments to any of them, nor did I have a role in their creation. But I provide to some extent for all of them, and only raised some.

I understand what you’re saying, but it’s not as though I am treated like the eldest’s parent.

This is what I would do. It is not fair for one child to be disadvantaged. To be honest I couldn’t live with myself if I treated one child differently from the other two.

This is where my thoughts went too. OP, you say you don't want to disadvantage your biological children (by allocating funding to your stepchild that could be saved for them instead (how far does that thought permeate your day-to-day living by the way?).

I'd encourage you to zoom out and think about the bigger picture - imagine your family 10 years from now if you choose to help fund your stepchild's schooling, and the same in the context where you didn't (and your biological children went to the school you have chosen).

If you are struggling to reframe your thinking away from 'what's fair on you' (and not seeming to even consider your step child's needs) -which of those future scenarios do you think is in your biological children's best interests?

It’s naive to think getting with a man with a child will not impact your life and that of any children you have. That boy had no say in the breakdown of his family, yet he lives with the consequences of it every day and will do for the duration of his parents lives. He already navigates 2 homes, he’ll also have the headache of any special occasion being tarnished by the logistics of having 2 separate parents and how to make arrangements fair.

to think your choices should have no impact on either yours or your kids lives and yet the DSS should is unfair. You made the decision to get with a man whose responsibilities are always going to be split & yes the guilt he feels for not providing the same chances for each is a fair feeling. You made choices to and that will impact them

they keep their finances separate. Are you saying if OP on her own decides to buy her dc a car from her own savings when they are 18 she should pay for her DSC car as well? Even though they have two parents of their own