AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

Are your local state primary schools really that bad? Do you fear that your DC will be corrupted by people who don't drive SUVs, or who might wear tracksuit bottoms in public?

I think you should be considering state schooling at least at primary level.

Have you not considered the fact that, had your partner not had two further children with you, then he would be able to afford to send the eldest son to private school? Surely you can see how your comment of “taking money from the mouths of your children” is precisely what you have done to this boy, by having two further children with his father.

So he can't go.

You don't get to pick and choose when it is ok to be considered a equal party in raising a step child

Course you do. Being a stepparent is complicated and nuanced, there's a lot of compromise and negotiation involved in finding the right balance.

Read the op's post. This is exactly what is happening

You married someone with a son. In my opinion you are a team and his son is part of that team and you shouldn’t be so possessive over your money for your kids and not your stepson. I agree all should go and if you want this for your children it should be all of them - your stepson included.

I love all the "he's your stepchild" comments 😂

Any other thread it's "you're just his step mum, back off".

I don't get involved with finances between my DH and his ex. That's between them, but I do expect him to pair his fair share to our joint DC. After that, what he does with his money is up to him.

I think is appalling you can’t see the issue. All 3 children should have the same educational opportunity.

i can understand your DH not wanting his child from a previous marriage to not have the same educational opportunities as his children from your marriage.
I dont like the idea that children lose out because the parents marriage breaks down.
I think the fairest thing would be for your DH to work out how much he can afford to spend on the education of his 3 children and split it evenly and decide how that should be spent considering the other parents ability to pay .
i think if you marry someone who has child you should treat that child as a child of the family and treat all the children equally.
if your husband couldn't afford half for your 2 children to go to private school would you a)let neither go ,b)let one go ,c) pay the shortfall ?
If the answer is pay the shortfall i think it reasonable to pay the shortfall for a child of the family.

You are ridiculously naive here

Stepparents have absolutely no right to be involved in the parenting choices for their stepchild (i am a stepmum twice over). They are also not responsible for financing their stepkids.

Yes he can, and he is doing it already.

I already save for my children, besides the school fees, he saves equally for all 3. I’m not worried about how large the oldest son’s savings are, I just manage what I can, and save for mine.

Rubbish.

They are a family. You don't have to pay for the private education of another woman's child to be a family.

we're not talking about them all having a new pair of trainers or a day out. We're talking thousands of pounds on private education that his mother won't/can't contribute to or even try to or compromise.

They have.its not the op's fault her dss's other parent doesn't have the facilities to pay for a private education

Idealistic.

This doesn't always happen in nuclear families.

It's not her place to comment. Her son's two half siblings and their upbringing is nothing to do with her. If she wants private education, she needs to fund it, not leech off another woman who can.

Will they all go to the same school?

If yes you may get a sibling discount. Often more for the third child.

You could at least ask for one. You may get 5-15% off.

Could you take this off the 40% you want the mother to pay? Then get DH to pay an extra 5%? That would take it down to 20%.

You aren't being looked at as a piggy bank. You are being looked at as a step mother to a 7 year old who can clearly more than afford to do the right thing and ensure that he has equal opportunities to his step siblings. You are married. He's part of your family. Not some random child.

Exactly!

I’m team OP. He should be treating his children equally.

OP, do you own a house? If so, can you change to tenants in common with unequal shares, and his lack of contribution to schooling can mean he gets a lower amount in case of a sale?

Also, how’s he going to be able to afford fees when they’re teens? That could be easily double or triple what a pre-prep place costs.

It would be exactly that, it’ll go to their savings equally. The money he isn’t paying, is going to his savings instead.

Your kids are only 2 and 3 so not at school yet? Could all three kids go to state primary which will delay the costs of private school until high school? You could save the spare cash for when they all reach 11 and have a bit more spare for going on holidays etc.

If you have decided that your children have to have a private education then you should pay for your two children as you have said you can afford to do so.

Your DH then can then pay for his eldest should he choose to do that.

My niece currently goes to a private school but her half siblings did not. We all think privately that this was a very shitty thing to do.

You also seem quite annoyed that the Mum can’t afford it. That’s not necessarily the Mums fault.

And by the sounds of it, you are the one pushing for a private education so why would the Mum have planned for that as she would have known it was outside of her budget and your first child was only born 3 years ago and it probably never crossed her mind what you would or would not do regarding education.

The biggest question here is ‘how the hell can you afford to send 3x kids to private school simultaneously’.

Thats going to be £75-100k round here now - a serious commitment for the next 15 years.

But how? OnlyFans? If she can't afford it, she can"t afford it. DSS is no less OP's DH's son than her own children.

Your DH should give 1 total figure for what he can afford to contribute to the private education of all 3 of his kids. This figure gets split into 3. It's up to you to fill in the balance for your 2 and his ex to fill in the balance for their 1.
I'm assuming you're the higher earner here.