AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

YABU. You married a man who already has a child - he will need to treat all 3 equally, and you will need to make allowances for this.

If you're earning more than him, you can afford to put more money into your own 2 DCs school fees - think of it that way instead. Then he can pay for his first DC in full, you pay for your first DC in full, then fees for the 3rd child are shared. I could not in all conscience see a stepchild treated less favourably.

The ex will not be entitled to a bursary because of your earnings - if she applied, they take step parents income into account.

Your nieces & nephews argument is a red herring - it's not about how much you love them, it's about who is in your household. Your household is blended and includes your stepchild.

Or maybe just send them all to state school and set up ISAs for them instead - that would be one hell of a nest egg for them!

If you can afford to pay for both your children then why not let your husband pay for all of his? I see hear your position of fairness to your two but if you put yourself in your husband’s shoes or how would you and how could you help your husband also be fair to his son? All three are pretty young kids so a long way to go yet. Your relationship with your husband will determine happiness, not his ex not whether or not the kids go to private or state.

How do you see yourself in the life of his son, do you consider his son your family? I think when you marry someone with kids you marry the family if that’s not you then it won’t be a good set up or for long.

I guess it depends on what you think is best for your children. Is it better for them to have a good relationship with their older brother, or to have a relationship grounded in resentment and bitterness? Your children will reap what you sow.

Send them all to state school otherwise the eldest will feel less than. Yabu

I’m not a “part time parent” to his son, I’ve been relegated to more so of an aunt role.

I lived with my sibling whom was a single mum and helped her raise her children, whom she had full time, during that period. I was there for their births, birthdays, nappy changes, school runs, etc. None of that applies to the oldest son.

In all instances, both sets of children have biological children that are legally and biologically accountable for them. None apply for the oldest son, but I assume some care for him, and love him, like any normal person.

OP, well done in keeping your finances seperate.

Your husband should pay half for each of his children.
If his Ex cannot pay, that is 100% on her.

It doesn't become your responsibility, no matter how much they would like it to.

Your step son must already be in school and it wasn't a part of their plans originally, but they want to piggy back on your decision to go private.

Do not offer anything.
You are setting a precedent that is not your responsibility.

Continue to keep your finances strictly separate.

Oh, and the suggestion that his Ex's inability to pay half, should somehow dictate the education your children receive, is frankly batshit.

I would be looking at divorce before I would entertain this.

Then pay for it without your husband. Then he is not paying for any of his children to go private.

Then there is no issue is there. Dss stays at his state school and dh and ex are happy.

Dh and op's shared kids go to private and dh & op are happy with decisions for their kids.

But he's not (solely) paying. He's offered the same to each child 50% it's not the OP's responsibility to pay for private education for his ex wife's child. If the Ex wife wants their child to go she finds the other 50% as the OP is doing for her children. If she can't he can't go, that's life. It's what he'd be doing if the OP couldn't afford to send her kids.

Can’t lie, as you can afford the full fees I’d probably reach a compromise so third child can attend too and not feel left behind.

@CherriBerri

"I’m not a “part time parent” to his son, I’ve been relegated to more so of an aunt role."

I can't think why that is...

One of the adults has said she won't pay for her child though and is expecting the step mother to pay instead.

He's her step son and her children's half brother. He's not a nephew who's turned up.
They should be a family.

It's your shared childrens half-brother.

So much 'mine', 'my kids', 'someone else's child'.

A 7yr old little boy...blimey. If I could,I would. This isn't an 18 year old you see out of term time for a few weekends a year.

Oh do fuck off.

As step parents we are forever preached to that we are not the child's parents and that we should mind our own.

You don't get to pick and choose when it is ok to be considered a equal party in raising a step child.

Exactly this. It’s about more than money. It’s about their future relationship.

You agreed to "take away" from your children by marrying a man with a child. It comes with the territory.
It would be good for the mum to contribute but I think your DH actually has the most fair solution in the circumstances.

Stick to your guns. There's nothing wrong with what you are saying!

It's not @CherriBerri's fault either and it's most definitely not her responsibility. The child has two parents.

No, he’s still paying like, I said. And the money that’s not being spent, is still being kept, like I said.

I just don’t appreciate being looked at as a piggy bank, because when it comes to other daily issues - i.e, where to go to school, custody arrangements, parents evenings - it’s between the two parents to decide/attend.

@Rainbowdottie "I’m absolutely sure you want the best for him"

How on earth have you reached this conclusion?! She doesn't give a rats ass about him as far as I can see

Mum isn’t saying she won’t pay. She can’t pay.

Does your husband have 50/50 and is he paying maintenance?

Private school isn't just fees. There's add ons that are going to add up and frankly, his mom isn't going to be able to afford those either.

Why did you guys not talk about what schooling, like would look like before you had kids? You've thoughtlessly created a situation where there's going to be a big inequity of privilege in your not so blended family and that sucks for everyone involved.

As stepmom, you shouldn't be forking over your money to pay for his son's private schooling given you keep separate finances. But the reality is that basic inequity between his older child and your kids is going to cause fights and resentment and I doubt your marriage will last.

You want your kids in private, you pay. He's ok with his kids in your public school system since one already is.

Why don't you put off private school for all until they're older?

My dad's wife's kids all went to very expensive private schools because she paid. I didn't and it was no big deal.

This

Yes, but he isn't able to GIVE the same to each child. You can't pay half of school fees if the other half isn't being paid. Would OP be happy if her DP paid the equivalent of 50% of school fees into a savings account for DSS for when he leaves school? So DSS gets a lovely chunk of money and her kids get nothing? I doubt it.