AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

If the mum hasn’t planned for it, the kid doesn’t go. It’s that simple.

Your husband should but right back on expenses at home, maybe even downsize, UK holidays every 3 or 4 years for a long weekend or better, monday-thusday. That way he can afford all fees.

This is a mess really.you’re not talking about holidays but something that will likely cost upwards of £300k per child if you go from reception to 18. Fees at prep especially early years pale into comparison to secondary. You would be making a massive commitment to fund the older child, possibly at the expense of your own. Do you have 50:50 or lower custody then that?

How helpful.

That is indeed a very relevant detail! If she’s only interested in private school as a response to your decision I have more sympathy for your position. Another relevant detail would be whether there were married ie did she have good reason to expect that he and all his resources would be focused on their shared family forever? You’re viewing her child possibly going to private school as taking money away from yours, but she could reasonably view every single cost associated with your children as taking away from what rightfully should be for her child (assuming a reasonable expectation of long term commitment from H to that first family).

It’s only on Mumsnet where people seem to have an expectation that step parents and their entire families must treat the step as the same as a bio.

In real life most people actually just get on with it and understand half and step siblings will have different opportunities because they have different families.

You dh should support all his children equally so offered 50% school fees for all his children fair. One can’t go that money should be used for that child for other educational purposes. Fair.

Basically each child gets 20k a year educational funds from their dad. How that educational fund is spent is then between dad and the mother of each child.

Not giving one child 40k budget while two get nothing.

Then he doesn’t go? Like most kids?

Funny because if I was the DH I would also be looking at divorce.

I certainly wouldn't put 2 of my 3 kids into private education. I would divorce before my kids were treated differently by someone who is supposed to love them and willingly chose to become a step-parent.

They’re not just her kids though, are they?

You can love them without paying for private education.

Totally agree with this, he shouldn't be treating his children differently.

If you don’t want to pay for your stepchild can’t you just fully fund education for your 2 children and let your husband pay for his other son?

I know, it's astonishing, isn't it?!

WTF. Usually on here someone will have to look after their stepson in the holidays because the dad can't get time off work and its uproar that it's not the stepmums responsibility.
Here step mum is being called selfish for not paying her step sons private schooling...this place is mad, truly mad!

Then I can see why he may choose to not pay for any of them to go.

As I said previously this is more than money. It’s about fostering good relationships between the children. Without resentment. The stepson is already feeling othered as he goes between houses. No child likes that.

It's almost as if there are different posters responding to different situations

Therefore he can't go. The parents can't afford it. I have quite a poor view of the ExW who hasn't considered private education until someone else might pay.

Exactly!!

And you are ridiculously simplistic

Of course stepparents can be involved in some parenting choices. They also have some responsibilities towards those kids. If marriage vows and common decency mean anything to them, I suppose.

He can put the same money into an account for each child (like it sounds as though he already does). The mother of the child can decide how it’s best spent. What’s the problem with that?

Does DSS live with you Op? If not (or he is only present at weekends) then his schooling is not your issue.

But your chance to say ‘it’s not fair’ was BEFORE getting married to and having children with a man who had a young child.

that was your choice.

now you’ve made that choice, your husband has 3 children who must be treated fairly. It would be abhorrent of him to have 2 of his children in private and one not. So abhorrent, that it can’t be an option.

if I was him, that would be what I was sticking with. ‘I will contribute so that all of my children go to private, or none of them. His mother can’t contribute so that’s not an option. The rest is up to you.’

the two of you have created this problem, so it’s too late now to start moaning about it.

And neither do her DP's other kids. Like most kids.

This seems to be the best solution.

I voted yabu but changed my mind as the money that would have gone to private school is being saved. You cannot ask your husband to contribute more to your joint children than his sole child and that's how I read it. But as his son will get the same support but differently I think it's reasonable.

For a child who's thriving in school with tuition and extra curricular, I think state education with what sounds like a house deposit in the end, is going to be better anyway. I also was the child from the impoverished home who went to a very wealthy school (state grammar). I think being the poor child reluctantly funded by step mum would be unpleasant.