AIBU to expect my husband to split school fees equally between my children and his son?

[CherriBerri]

I have a husband, who has a son (7) from a previous marriage. We have two shared children (3 and 2).

I earn enough to afford to send my children to private school next year, and I will be doing so. My husband has agreed to pay for half of the school fees, and I’d pay the other.

The mother of his son cannot afford to pay the private school fees, even with my husband’s offer to pay half, because of her earnings. She has asked my husband to pay the full fee, and argued that it wouldn’t be fair for him to not be able to attend. However, my husband cannot afford to pay the full fees for his son AND half the school fees for the both of our children, just half for all three.

My husband has been guilt-tripped about the “unfairness” by the son’s mother, which resulted in us having disagreements. Because he knows I could afford to pay the full fees for the both of my children, he thinks I should be paying one full fee and half of one fee, so that he could pay the other half and full fees for his son. This way, he says it’s fair so that all children can attend private school.

However, I think that this arrangement is the actual unfair one; as the father of ALL three children, he should be providing equally. I don’t think it’s fair for him to forgo his responsibility for one child for another. I pay my half for our children equally, his son’s mother should do the same for her only child. I don’t think it’s fair for them to push the responsibility of her finances unto me. I grew up disadvantaged and I worked like a mule to afford this; paying extra so that his son can go literally is taking money from the mouths of my children (via their savings), it’s not right.

There could be other solutions, where the mother could save to provide private education for when their son is older (at year 10 intake for example), instead of making me pay.

I honestly believe it’s because they like villainise step mothers, it’s my fault for posting to the wrong group.

If I was posting about how I’m not allowed to enforce household rules on DH’s son in my
home, everyone would say I’m unreasonable because he is not my son, and that it’s between the two parents to manage his upbringing. But when it comes to optional expenses like schooling, I’m now a parental figure and should pay.

Does your dh also pay child maintenance to his ex? If so then that needs to be accounted in with the school fees and extra lessons etc. personally think he needs to stop paying private school fees etc and just send ALL children to state school until they are older and it’s actually necessary unless you find a good state school.

I have one sister, one half brother, one step brother and one step sister. My sister, step brother and half brother went to private school. Me and step sister went to state school. It has not left a chip on my shoulder at all. They picked the best schools suited to our abilities.

Do you and your dh earn a similar amount?
its reasonable all three go. Look at it as he pays for his son and a third of your shared childrens. You pay 2 thirds.

Hypothetical posts about your step parenting don't help.
He's your children's half brother and you can't treat him differently.

Not the op creating a smokescreen and trying to tell us her nieces and nephews are the same as her step-son 😂

OP - unless you were also part-time married to one of their parents.... in which case this would be the weirdest and most insane drip-feed EVER.

That is not what’s happening here though. It’s nothing to do with ability. OP doesn’t want to contribute to the costs of his education, which, in theory, is fair, but would still not sit right with a lot of people.

How old was his child when you got together

😂😂😂

I think you need to strongly consider the resentments that you may be facilitating between your DC and their sibling if you send them to private school and your DSS doesn't get to go. These kind of decisions affect sibling relations for the rest of their lives. I'm not sure I could drive that wedge, personally. I think it would be worth the money to avoid it, if I was set on private school.

The only possible thing your DH could do is place an equivalent amount to that which he pays in fees (or average of both kids, I guess) every year into a savings account for his DS1. Even then, I'm not sure its completely fair.

I think you could have anticipated this before you decided on private school for your children, and should have proceeded on the basis that the household would be paying for all three or none at all.

No. They were together for a year and both had median wages. His current wealth has nothing to do with her, and I could afford this without my husband.

If the mother feels so strongly about it she could get a second job and pay for her half. I wouldn't pay for a child who isn't mine, it's up to the child's parents to sort out, given the father can't afford it either he won't be able to go.

My husband has a rele who married someone who already had a child, he paid half to send his daughter to private school (his ex wife paid the other half) but my husband's rele couldn't afford to send their own child to private school so their own child went to a normal school. When children have different parents they can't always be treated exactly the same.

The OP is not picking the schools after looking at abilities - the op is picking the school based off financial reasons... and the fact he is a stepchild and she does not feel they should all be treated equally... if that is how you feel too then i understand why would come to this conclusion.

You didn't marry your nieces and nephews parents. You didn't start a family together.

You are massively disregarding what it is to be an actual parent. Your nieces and nephews are entirely irrelevant. Your husband is the father of all three children. They are siblings. You married him. This is your core family. Your nieces and nephews are your extended family. It is not the same.

Your financial agreement with your DH is disgraceful. He has really let his children down agreeing to this lifestyle.

I think you are failing to think about this from your stepson's point of view. All he is going to see is his dad's other kids being treated better than him. It really will be quite damaging to him and his relationship with your husband. Would you be comfortable with that?

She can't 'make you pay' just say 'No I'm not paying'. He's her son, not yours. You can care about him & care for him without paying for 20 years of private education for him. If they hadn't divorced he wouldn't be going private.

Whether you like it or not, this will create division within the family.

The question is how much division you’re prepared to absorb, which judging by your posts, is a lot.

I’m the last of five in a blended family and my parents sent me and me only to a private school. This has created untold resentment in my siblings. Saying they should improve their attitude doesn’t hold water. How cold and harsh. I had access to opportunities they never had, from the education to the confidence and mindset. Now I put earn them massively. As I’ve grown older I’ve personally held guilt for that. Private school puts you amongst different social circles and ways of living and attitudes. Within siblings it can push them further from each other. It also doesn’t guarantee success.

Children pick up on these differences especially from year 6. It will create hurt and make SS feel he is of less value, and it seems you are OK with that as you will probably continue with the cold logic articulated in your posts.

I hope your husband puts his foot down and says either none or either all his children go to private school.

Oh my god, you will not fucking listen, will you?

They are all 3 his children. Your husband. You knew he had a child when you married him! It's not your DSSs mother's fault she can't afford half the fees. It's not your DSSs either. All 3 go to private or all 3 don't. Simple. If you aren't prepared to make that happen, none of them go.

How can DH and his ex solve the issue, if neither can afford it?

And - neither of them are actually set on private education either, it’s the new wife who wants to do it.

So your ex-DH’s new wife wants to privately educate her kids so you have to do what exactly to fund yours, when you haven’t got the cash?

You didn't choose to marry your siblings though so nieces and nephews is VERY different from a stepchild

Honestly the more you write the more it's evident you aren't cut out to be a step-parent and I hope your DH learns from this debacle

If I was the DH here this would be giving me the ick.

Ok retired teacher here with state and independent experience. Years of it.

the biggest thing to say, if you’re falling out now, it will only get worse. Independent schools are completely different to state schools and I don’t have the time here to write every single difference. As sad as it is, they do offer a different type of education. But remember children who have never attended one don’t know any different and there are very many outstanding state schools.

I say it’s only going to get worse because fees increase year on year, year group by year group.Every extra curricular activity has to be paid for (if you choose one outside of a teacher led one). Children need to be equipped with all sorts of uniform plus other equipment. There’s a lot to keep up with.

If you’re struggling for fees between you now, it will only get worse. Many parents can’t afford independent all the way through. Many take their children out in various years…only to put them back in X amount of time later because the child found a state school a stark difference. Not every child, but I’ve seen it happen often. Even doing until year 6 and going to state secondary is like entering a different world for some children. It’s a lot to think about when you’re considering fees. Even at this early age.

from what I understand you want the mum to pay 40% with you giving her 10%. Are her mum and dad involved? Are they able to put some money in…even if she upped her share to 20% and they pay 20%? Lots of grandparents are involved paying school fees. But it’s a huge commitment for everyone involved.

with regard to what you should do, I don’t know. Obviously you knew he had a son when you married him. I presume you’ve welcomed and loved him as your own. It is unfortunate that you’re in a couple and evidently the mum is still a single mum…it’s unfortunate she doesn’t have a partner to “share the load” too. Ultimately there’s 3 adults involved with him and together as a collective you need to make the best decision for him. I’m absolutely sure you want the best for him. Not only because he’s your husbands son but equally he’s a small child, you must want him to have the opportunity too? It’s not his fault what has happened to him re his parents relationship.

Ive know loads of half and step siblings who are in the same school at independent level. I even knew one family who put the girls into independent and the son into a local comprehensive so “he could learn about life”, and they see the same family . Of course I don’t how the blended families have worked out the fees or who’s paying for what. They might be well off and it’s no problem, they might not. I’ve known lots of people who literally scraping pennies together to send their kids. As I’ve said I’ve known lots of grandparents chipping in.

Of course you can impose household rules when he is in your house. My step dad did this with me. I don't understand why blended families make things so difficult. All the adults should be working together for the sake of ALL the children. Not all this financial tit for tat.

Do you get on with step son's mum?

Firstly, it's not the same as your nieces and nephews, it's your children's half brother so that's a rubbish argument.

I agree with your DH's position in that he needs to treat all of his children fairly in a way that they don't comparatively speaking have significantly different opportunities and experiences in life. Irrespective of how fair it is that his ex should find 50% if she can't, then she can't.

Look at the principle a different way, The 7yr old is a few years head of your children in education. He will therefore finish earlier.
Calculate the cost of educating all three over the term of their education. Your DH works out what he can contribute assuming he is solely responsible for his eldest child and 50% responsible for his 2nd and 3rd child. With your 50% added in, what is the total size of the pot and at what age does it allow the children to start private school with equivalent funding from your DH in total value terms.

Then if that means your own children don't start in private until 7/8 it is your choice to pay more to start them in private school too. It may be the case that the actual outcome is that all three start in say Year 5 at a point where they can get additional help for secondary school entry or simply in Yr 7 or Yr 9 entry for GCSE's.

Financial circumstances may change, the child may get a bursary, his GP's may fund some, he may not be educationally capable of keeping up in a selective private school or indeed any of your children may have SEN and all your priorities change again. The ex may remarry or get a massive promotion and her circs change.

Your attitude to the brother of your children frankly sucks. No one is trying to mug you here. You married a man with a child, did you think he would not want to provide the same quality of life for him as any further children [allowing for financial input from his ex]?

And if we reversed this? So a woman with one child married a very wealthy man, had 2 more children with him and then despite earning much less was expected to pay 60% of household expenses and was told her husband would pay for the 2 younger children to be educated privately, but not her first child? How many would think this was fair? And if he referred to this child as ‘her child’ and ‘the child’?