To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

I would take a stand too. I understand that you aren’t owed anything, or your eldest daughter, the difference here to glaringly obvious and it is horrible to single out one child.
Never share the reason why you left with your children or it’ll build resentment between them. ❤️

I am a step parent with two of my own and none together. Dh had money and I had very little so we could have easily have had the same situation as you. But.. there is no way I would have had the children treated differently by dh if they were under the same roof. I would not expect his family to treat my kids the same as his (and definitely not financially!) as the blending wasn’t their idea, but dh? Yes. Our kids are all adults now and all had the same opportunities from the time we were married.

OP, if you’re the poster I think you are then this was inevitable. You’ve always know the score, that was made clear to you by your husband and in laws before you married and had another child, and you chose to go ahead and do both anyway. You are responsible for that.

You clearly cannot live with the reality of the situation, and this was never something that wouldn’t constantly be an issue for you. It still will be, regardless of whether you divorce or not, so the most you can do is split and keep your eldest daughter separated from your former husband and in laws.

If your DM is so upset about the situation can she not pay for her own Grandaughter, your eldest daughter to do the hobbies?

Because they are a family. Obviously GM shouldn’t have to fund a grandchild that isn’t hers, but by the same token she should have some sensitivity to the situation.

Look at the bigger picture. What’s more valuable to the youngest? The activity or having a happy intact family?

Can you just postpone, tell younger daughter it’s just on hold until you can afford the hobby for her sister. How old is she, surely she’d understand?

My two would hate the other being left out and would happily wait.

Depriving your youngest will not fix the fact that your eldest doesn't and will not have the same financial privilege as her for at least some years.

You're going to have to address the inequity and that life isn't always fair. That's fact.

There's going to be resentment. You've made choices that guaranteed that. Maybe with your youngest spending custody time at her dad's can ease that a bit. She will have you 100% of the time and youngest won't.

Sorry what’s the inheritance issue? Your husband isn’t being given money because he has a stepdaughter? What?

Also tbh I think you’re right to separate. It might not be up to PILs to pay for your eldest, I see that, but I couldn’t have that inequity. It’s too damaging.

I think I remember this poster and a PP is correct. The couple did not intend to marry because of the complications of a blended family. The OP’s mother insisted they marry ( shades of Jane Austen). The husband’s parents are fearful that their granddaughter by the first marriage would become disinherited by the husband and his new wife( the OP). I think the in laws are wealthy. I think they have decided to leave their money to the grandchildren and not the husband so his first daughter is not sidelined. The OP’s mother is furious at her daughter missing out on this nebulous ‘inheritance’ ( shades of Jane Austen).
In the end it is about money and the OP’s fury that she isn’t getting her in laws money.
I do wonder if the money was on the woman’s side if there would not be an issue.

She cannot force her in-laws to spend more on her daughter.

Eh this is you two the problem not the mil...you clearly say sorry but we won't be doing the hobby because we choose to include all our children in things....your the ones not putting your foot down so all are treated the same and I feel really sorry for oldest

But they're a mangled family.

Youngest is 5. Don't even pretend guilting a 5 year old to give up something she likes because oldest is jealous and resentful is healthy, much less going to keep these people together. They're already separate due to privilege and inequity and resentment.

You’re being quite unclear OP. Are you saying your in-laws spend money on the children they are related to but not your daughter?

You don't have the same family build up as op.
Her DH is treating all the girls the same. It's his family that isn't.

You said yourself.

Your DH family don't treat your girls the same as his. You also said this.

The problem would occur if you had a kid with him.

Your DH treats your kids and his all the same. But now his family treats the shared kid between you differently but not your first 2.

And that is the issue here.

As others have said divorce won’t changes things as the ILs will continue to spend money just on kids they are related to.

But in the future. Is her grandma not allowed to fund her uni fees/ give her a deposit for a house/ or give a large gift for a wedding- in case it breaks the family apart?

And you really think her grandma should do the same for the Stepgrandchild?

OP’s in laws, and her husband, were very clear prior to the marriage that her daughter was not theirs, and that they didn’t and wouldn’t consider her to be. OP was under no illusions here.

They were never going to be able to be a ‘happy intact family’ in which there was no disparity. That disparity always existed, and will always exist.

The youngest loves her paternal family. Bear in mind she also has a sister on her father’s side she’s close to. She shouldn’t have to miss out because of some misguided notion of ‘fairness’, when the reality is that their familial and financial circumstances are never going to be the same.

Oh. The plot thickens!

I still think the ILs could give some money to their son. It’s hurtful to bypass him completely.

See I just can’t agree with this point of view. I understand MIL isn’t obligated to pay for SD but they are children! If I were the MIL there’s no way I would dream of leaving a sister out, regardless of biology. It’s just a cruel and spiteful thing to do. A step family should mean just that. Family.

Husband sounds like a twat.

Yes!! And if they couldn’t afford expensive things then 3 cheaper things.

I think the problem.is.

Older child. Is not in touch with her paternal grandparents. And Op doesn't earn as much.

Whereas the MIl family are rich as well as the DH first child has a rich mother.

I think you’ll find the grandmother can ‘cherrypick’ and choose her ‘blood’ granddaughters over an unrelated child, and the ‘honorary granddaughter’ title is irrelevant and fluffy nonsense. Just because her child decided to marry someone with a child by another man, doesn’t mean she needs to jump in and play granny, what a ridiculous suggestion, and has wide ranging implications from hurting her eldest granddaughter, to inheritance. And OPs husband has no say in how his mother treats her grandchildren, particularly as the eldest has a mother of her own. He can’t force her to pay for and bring OPs child to Disney, or force her to pay indefinitely for an expensive hobby for a child she is not related to? Would you have him disadvantage 2 children, including one of his own, just because OPs eldest feels left out? That’s just outrageous.

As far as I can see, this is all on the OP. She was surely with this man for a number of years before she married him. She would have seen the difference in treatment between her daughter, and her future husbands eldest daughter first hand and still chose to marry into this family, have another child and put her eldest daughter in this position.

Im sorry it’s not worked out for you OP, but honestly what did you expect?

But she could decline and explain that her two girls must be treated exactly the same. We had precisely the same situation in our family. My brother's wife had a daughter from a previous relationship and then had two more children with my brother. It was decided at the outset that the stepdaughter would be treated in exactly the same way as as any future children. She was an integral part of my brother's family and thus an integral part of the wider family too. The situation the OP described would never have been allowed to happen. Children have no choice in these cases but the adults do - they can behave well or behave badly. OP's MIL and husband have behaved badly and he's now paying the price.

Sorry, what? If the oldest’s father and his parents were around, you’d expect them to treat OPs other child, who is absolutely no relation to them, as well as OPs stepchild, who really really is no relation to them, the same way as they treat OPs eldest child???

What planet do you live on that that seems like a reasonable expectation 😂