To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

I’ve RTFT and I’m a bit confused as to what the actual issue is because to me it seems to be solely about your in-laws money?

Your older DD has her own set of grandparents and you say your DH treats her equally, so why is it anyone’s business what your in-laws do with their grandchildren? Has she not been brought up understanding they’re not her grandparents? How old is she? You mention your DM, so she has a grandmother.

FWIW, I have similar set ups in my extended up (and my own DD has half siblings) and this has never been a thing, because of the understanding of who’s who when it comes to grandparents.

but they are children! If I were the MIL there’s no way I would dream of leaving a sister out

Depends. If you take kids to park of course you pay for all ice creams. But I'm not so sure about school fees and e.g. music lessons £50 for an hour.
Also the elephant in the room is if MIL likes OP and her eldest, if she believes her DS is happy with OP etc. We'll never know but OP might be entitled unpleasant women and her DD might be poorly behaved rude teenager and MIL doesn't want to spent her time with them but just being polite when she has to.

Whist I can understand why you feel the way you do, splitting up with your husband isn't going to resolve this particular issue though? His family will still want to treat your youngest in a particular way - and you won't have any control over that. And presumably she will still live with you, and your elder daughter, under the same roof, so there will still be a huge gulf between their life experiences?

Sorry hold on I thought the idea was we treat all the children equally or we will fuck them up for life?

Yes, she can and should decline... but she has said she won't do that either.

Basically she entered into a very blended family, knowing in advance (from what other posters have said re her previous threads) that her ILs won't financially support her child in the same manner. Then decided to marry and have a child with this man. And now is complaining that exactly what they said would happen will happen.

I don't see how this situation has arisen. arises. Surely children living in the same house need to be treated the same. The whole thing is being thoroughly mismanaged. The mil has far too much influence. She isn't the parent of any of them.

And interestingly enough MIL was wise not to give OP's DH any money - he'd lose at least half of it in divorce now.

What a god awful situation. I’m nor surprised that you have had enough. What a vile woman your MIL is. I’m so sorry. 🌺

Why is she vile for only paying for her grandchild’s hobby?

No matter how you word it, this is basically what it boils down to. Its a family, and in a family everyone has equal rights - so either everyone has the benefits, or no one. Bringing up older girl knowing she is is a worse position to her sister is cruel. Of course MIL can leave the younger girl money etc but I would stop anything else that is excluding the older girl immediately.

I'm still really weirded out by the OP having another child into a family that treats her eldest like this.

In any case, just another thread demonstrating that "blended families" are shit and do not work.

But you don't have the money for everyone!

Honestly you cannot force your ILs to pay for any child. But you can decline or say "maybe next term if we can put together money for DD1". Even if you seperated the situation would be the exact same except you wouldn't see your DH and you'd see your youngest less.

Either you & DH find the money for the eldest child, you decline MILs offer to pay for youngest, or you explain to the eldest that unfortunately that life isn't always fair unfortunately and her sisters will sometimes do things she can't.

What's the age gap between your two daughters?

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.
Who’s your mother angry with—you, DH, or MIL?

Did MIL create wedges in DH’s previous marriage too?

@GeorgeClarkefan

It sounds like that even if the OP or the OP and DH paid for the activity that the eldest DD wouldn't be welcomed . And if it is riding that aunt and niece share , it's unlikely that the DD would be included. What if they buy the DH daughters a pony each ? It just sounds impossible.
You can say that your shared DD can't attend either but that's another problem. And if you divorce you will have no choice where your DH will bring your shared DD .

Your DH can't force his family to accept and certainly not expect to pay for your DD . I guess what he was hoping was that you and DD wouldn't make a fuss. How old are these girls ? Do they get along or are they acutely aware of the biological to differences ?

So the DH family wouldn't leave any inheritance if he married a woman with children or is it just you ? I do understand why the family wouldn't consider them family and maybe not fund things like uni , cars, inheritance. But by then your DD would be older and at least comprehend the difference in treatment. What I think is incredibly unkind and downright cruel is to do this to a little child . Especially their GDD sister .

She is basically rejecting her husband's stepdaughter and is demonstrating she in not part of a family. In a normal, not weird and fucked up family like this one, all kids are treated the same - no matter where they came from.

She will find the reason. Unless you try to block her from any contact with DH's family. Which you can't, he will take you to court if you aren't amicable.

How old is your eldest?

You don’t have a MIL problem, it is a husband problem. I understand why you are splitting, it is unbearable to see your child discriminated against while the wet blanket husband just shrugs it off and allows this treatment to continue. I would lose any respect I had for him too. He cannot and should not ask his mother to pay for the eldest girl but he shouldn’t accept gifts that disadvantage one of the children.

He can say no, he is choosing not to. I’m not sure how it will work after divorce, or if you will end up making the situation worse for the 2 girls by splitting but, if you cannot see him as a team player anymore, so be it, your child will know you had her back.

I do expect, however, that once he sees that you are serious about leaving he may hopefully grow a spine.

If you're saving the money by having two paid for can you not pay for the third? My family are not like this, blood is irrelevant and everyone is treated the same but it's common for it not to be that way, the argument being your eldest has her dad's family too, so if she got the same input from your husband's parents she'd potentially have 3 sources of treats etc whereas the others have two.

This, if it is, not surprised, just surprised it’s taken this long!

She isn’t “rejecting her”. She’s just not her granddaughter. And she isn’t. If OP and her husband divorce do you really think she will have the same contact with her as she does her actual grandchildren?

It’s very normal for grandparents to only fund things for their grandparents. It’s not their fault that OP made a bad choice for her eldest daughter’s father.

True, but OP lives in the house with shared DD now, yet still has no control about how ILs treat shared DD, because DH says nothing and facilitates the visits/activities anyway.

He can say no... but the OP doesn't want to say no so it's not necessarily a DH problem either. The OP doesn't want the youngest to be told no.

I don’t know how would that work then, what the MIL is doing is not on, but trying to force the MIL to pay for both if she doesn’t want to is ridiculous.

Yep. I think what OP simply wants is for MIL to fund her daughter too but that’s not going to happen.

People really don’t have to be dicks. The last time my stepmum saw my DD, she hugged DD and said, “I’m so proud of you, and I’m so glad you’re mine.” My heart melted. ❤️

Yes, I agree.
OP and her DH need to have a discussion about how this is treated in their house.

In an ideal world (IMO) they would just decide how much they can afford, and pay for DD1 for that value of activities and let MIL pay for the other 2 and then just decline anything further for all children.