To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

I see it as the OP throwing a strop demanding her child who is not the biological relation of her in laws and her husband, gets treated exactly the same.
I do wonder the reaction from some posters if it was her parents who were funding the eldest and the youngest . Very different I suspect.

With kids, it’s simple, either buy for all or don’t buy at all.

Birthdays are different. No one expects a present for someone else’s birthday. So limit expensive gifts (including paying for hobbies) as a birthday gift.

What a good idea @CautiousLurker2
If a couple marry and become a blended family. The other parent has to adopt their step children and be required by law to treat them equally.
Can you imagine the outcry from step mums on here? :)

Only that DHs 1st daughter doesn’t live with them. If she did I’d expect OPs family to treat her exactly the same as the other two.

So no, not very different at all.

Last year we went on a big expensive holiday for one of my parents' big birthdays which they paid for. My step child was absolutely included in that because she is part of my family and my family is their family. She has received the same number of presents and invitations to meals and holidays and days out, they have watched her sports and shows, and taken an interest in her exams and work. I cannot imagine them acting any differently and I'm sorry that your eldest daughter is not experiencing the same bonus family that my stepdaughter has.

As others have said, divorce or separation won't actually make any difference to the experience of the three girls in terms of the amount of money, energy or care given by your MIL.

At the start of your post I thought maybe the eldest had missed out because she's much older so just hasn't had the same opportunities as the younger two but the more I read, the more this sounded like a modern retelling of Cinderella.

Why is your mum cross? At you? At the MIL?

But we are told they don't have anything to do with her and that really is the issue. If her father and grandparents paid for a similar hobby then all would be fine. So the step grandmother is expected to cough up because the biological family won't.

So because a step child lives part time with her mother, it's ok for them to be treated worse than the other children in their father's home. Seriously?

I agree with this. All three girls will have two sets of grandparents. Surely if one of them has grandparents that aren’t paying for something for them then it’s for their own parents to pay if they want them to attend, not an unconnected set of grandparents to be paying for them.

Do your parents pay for anything on the same scale for their step-granddaughter?

Nope no requirement for all step parents in anyway - rather mindblowing that you would extrapolate that from my post. It was a reply to one individual in relation to HER individual circumstances. But nuance is a bit lost on this site these days.

It was merely a suggestion based on the fact that OP mentioned DD1s father/family are not involved and that DH claims to treat (love) DD1 as much as his own and has walked out do to being offended at the suggestion he doesn’t that - perhaps - this may be a solution. It solidifies publically that he loves DD1 as his own, ensures she is legally recognised as such, and puts paid to MiL shenanigans.

@GeorgeClarkefan stepdaughter only wants to see her dad and half sibling, ex wife is insulting him because she is paying for her DD’s schooling. DH is not going to get inheritance because he has a stepdaughter. This is his mother who is targeting her step grandchild and son for daring to marry OP with a child of her own! This is a very divided family on husband’s side so I’m not surprised OP wants to separate from them. It’s toxic

OPs 1st DD doesn’t have her father’s side. So just one set of GP.

Anyway, I think it’s just an error. MIL should have checked with OP/DH first if it was okay to do this. They could then decide if they could afford it themselves for the other child. If they could, great. If not, decline and maybe say, they should give it later in the year as a birthday gift.

No one is suggesting MIL pay the expensive hobby for all 3 kids.

The OP mentions her own mother so the grandmother to two of her daughters. Does she give equal gifts to all the children? Perhaps she could fund the expensive hobby?

I’m an eldest, we often miss out.

I can’t see how you are helping her face life to come.

MIL prioritises blood relatives …that happens.

People have favourites that happens.

People are often poor with older children and more established financially with younger ones ..who then receive better things or maybe they fall on hard times and the situation is reversed. Life happens.

The teaching moment is to work hard and buy yourself thing things you’d like in life without dependence on others. The teaching moment is that not everyone has the same things.

Surely your eldest wants her sisters to have nice things even if she can’t. I do as an eldest sister.

It’s a whole lot of drama about jealousy…not love

I think it’s ok that your eldest had a different experience growing up as YOUR circumstances were different.

The blended family now is complicated and I see your side of things. You say your husband treats your eldest the same way- but is this true if he lets all the above happen. This is the crux of things for me. However a grandma should be able to treat her grandkids how she wants - sadly the eldest is not hers by blood as she’s being mean - but I understand that too. Your husband needs to step in here!

Is the eldest old enough to understand family dynamics?

You can't force your MIL to pay for things for your oldest. MIL does not see your oldest as part of her family.

Your husband doesn't want his bio kids to miss out on the activity. He's not going to deprive his youngest because they're not paying for your oldest.

Your older daughter feels entitled to do the activity. Why don't you pay?

It sounds like your husband tried to blend your kids but his family hasn't and that's their choice. Now he's losing out on things his full sibs are getting and he's resenting you as the cause of that. Your oldest feels she should be doing the same things as the others but you can't afford that.

Honestly, his family is funding extracurriculars and your oldest isn't entitled to that. That's just how it is. His family is not going to share the wealth with you and your oldest and there's likely more going on behind the scenes here. Why did you not discuss just these kinds of situations before marrying? Just because you married someone from a more well to do family doesn't mean you and your eldest are entitled to jack from his side of the family.

This. At the end of the day, this.

Instead, you have grown ups, including OP's own husband who has allowed his step daughter to be treated as 'lesser' in her own home in comparison to her own half sister and step sister.

How awful.

Personally, I think you'll be well rid of him and his family, OP.

No not worse. It’s just different. Absolutely equal treatment on the days she’s with DF and OP though.

If the hobby is being paid for by MIL for two of the children why can’t you pay for the eldest yourself?

I think you've posted unde a different name before.

With the same scenario.

If yes then YABU.

From the start you've been unable to understand that your eldest will not be treated like one of their family by your inlaws.

They are not going to spend money on her and she will not inherit from them.

But you've got a younger daughter who is treated like one of the family.

And you have to navigate how you are going to deal with this.

Because regardless of what you do. Your youngest will be more privileged compared to your oldest and there's nothing you can do to change that.

And keeping your youngest away from one part of her family is not the answer

So many threads on here where children from a first marriage are ignored when their father remarries and they acquire a step mother. Posters claim that if the Dad does not have his biological children with him all the time, they should be treated differently. A recent thread on here was from a mother not wanting to marry her partner because her children come first and she wanted her house and assets to go directly to them alone. She did not want her children to share their inheritance with her step children. Lots of support for her.

I looked back at OP post around Disney- look it’s never going to change, your in laws don’t see your eldest daughter as part of their family, your H hasn’t stood firm and said treat them all the same or that’s the end of our relationship, if that’s what you wanted then he could have done that.

How would getting divorced help except add another layer of complexity. Your youngest would surely blame your eldest for separating her from her dad. Or are you going to up and leave with only your oldest?

How's he gonna stop stuff for step daughter if her mum is happy with it.

I'd be livid if my daughters extracurricular activities were stopped cos my Ex's new wife wasn't happy with it.

Why Is Your DM mad at you?