To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

Well you’re making things as clear to the MIL as you’re making on this thread, which is zero!

When you are muddled and vague it gives more forceful people a way in. Assert yourselves. ‘We can’t take that handout because it means one of our children is disadvantaged’, ‘thank you for the offer, but on consideration….’ Etc etc

Many people have suggested this but the issue is OP wants the handout. She refuses to turn it down. So I just cant see how the MIL or DH are at fault anymore.

I am not in a position to ‘turn things down’ as people say because I am not the only one involved.

I don’t favour my elder daughter; I love and adore both of my daughters.

And there is the small matter of what I would say to my younger daughter removing her from extra curricular stuff that will give her massive advantages in her life.

My mother never misses out my stepdaughter at Easter, Christmas or her birthday, she gets thank you cards for her trouble but my stepdaughter while polite in a formulaic way has no interest.

What I think and what I feel are two different things. Logically I know my MiL has no duty to my elder daughter but the effect on my daughter is heartbreaking.

But your elder daughter also gets the exact same treatment in terms of Christmas etc from your MIL as your SD gets from your mother.

The only different treatment is in terms of big family trips and extra curricular activities paid for by MIL.

You say you are not in a position to turn things down but in other comments you've clearly expressed you don't want to turn them down so don't now try to turn it on your DH.

The simplest solution all round is that you turn down some of the gifts and find thr money for some for your elder daughter, or plan something else with your eldest (they dont need to always have the exact same things). But instead you have chosen to incite divorce and probably cause more hurt by dividing up the family again.

If the extra curricular is for example horse riding could the girls share it i.e one week the eldest go, the next the youngest, if MIL doesn't like or withdraw it's too bad. You can explain to her that girls need to be treated the same as otherwise it's damaging for their relationship.
Of course she's entitled to leave money only for your youngest in her will, there's nothing you can do about that.

But the horse riding is with youngests aunt, cousin and half sister? Organised and facilitated by the aunt, do they get a say in the switching of ops eldest dd to attend? Why doesn’t ops mum pay for the eldest to attend?

I have never mentioned what the hobby is.

The hobby is shared with two of the cousins and my stepdaughter has had lessons but does not participate regularly.

My daughter goes to another venue with my MiL.

It would be completely unacceptable to them if I tried to shoehorn my elder daughter in at the expense of my MiL and the progress of my younger daughter.

My mother does not have the capacity to pay for my elder daughter as she has other grandchildren, and in spite of working full time, neither do I.

I posted earlier on this and I said I found it sad as a grandmother, and I still do.
i do think however blended families do need to be explained to children. I used the example in my earlier post of my husband’s brother marrying a woman who had a small child at the time of meeting, they went onto have 3 of their own, and that the little girl was involved all things from our side of the family…although granted I’m not sure my ILs would have paid for activities for her, although they doted on her, like all the grandchildren. But the little girls paternal side was very involved with her, so maybe that’s different.

the point I’m coming to, is the other 3 subsequent children all knew that …let’s call her Sarah….that Sarah sometimes went to her dads. That sometimes she’d be taken away with her dad and they weren’t going, because that’s “Sarah’s dad”. That every Christmas Sarah “won’t be here one of the days because she’s going to her dad’s house”. Or “Sarah’s dad is picking her up today from school but grandma spike is picking you up and usual “.And so on.

I think you could apply the same logic here. “X is going to dance today with grandma fluff because that’s her grandma. Sure we share her, how lovely…aren’t we lucky , but sometimes grandma fluff takes X out. That’s ok, we can do Y instead! How exciting!!!”

children pick up on adult cues. If you’re sad and unhappy about it she will be. If you’re excited and upbeat for a “that’s amazing, X will have a great day and you and I will have a super day doing Z!!! I can’t wait!!!”.

I know you’re disappointed that they have don’t have the same equal opportunities, but blended families are complicated. I’m sure you’ve even said that the mil doesn’t even have that much money, maybe it’s just not possible to extend that to your elder DD. As long as your mil is including her in family occasions, birthday, Easter, Christmas, family dinners…giving her presents, Easter eggs etc…then really she’s not doing much wrong. You’re breaking your marriage (and your own heart) over something that could be solved if you just changed your mindset about it.

really your disappointment and sadness should be at your DDs paternal side of the family. They should be stepping up for her. I know they’re not and I know that’s sad…but really your anger should lay there (if they’re not deceased ).

OP as I understand it, you didn't particularly want to marry your husband. Your mother made you insist on marriage. His parents were worried that his daughter your step daughter would be written out of your lives.Your husband rightly wants his first born daughter to be an active part of his life and family.
You are angry that your MIL pays for a hobby for your step daughter and now pays for your younger daughter. You write that your MIL isny wealthy but prioritises her granddaughters. Your mother is highly critical of your in laws but does not want to pay for your eldest to do the hobby as well.
You are very enmeshed in your mother's views and attitudes and she has expressed fury at the MIL paying for things for her grandchildren. Why doesn't your mother step up and do more for her eldest granddaughter. She can give her time if not money.

To be honest, the fact that you are so easily prepared to walk away from the marriage and take your child who you admit your husband has treated as his own away to never see him again, is precisely why your eldest is not seen as part of the family by your MIL. You’ve just proven her point!

@ForCosyLion
You are so critical of the MIL. What about the OP's own mother, the eldest biological grandmother. Neither of the grandmothers are wealthy according to the OP, it is just that the MIl prioritises her granddaughters. By the OP's admission the MIL treats the grandchildren the same when they are together, buys them all ice creams etc. It is her funding a hobby that makes the OP and her mother so angry even though her mother is the biological grandmother of the oldest daughter.
So many posters want to criticise the MIL whilst totally ignoring the huge part played by the maternal grandmother. The maternal grandmother clearly has loud and vocal criticisms of the MIL. A desire to decide how the MIL spends her own money while being openly critical of them.
The eldest daughter has her very own grandmother who is very involved in her life. She is fortunate in that relationship. It is one the stepdaughter does not have.

It would be completely unacceptable to them if I tried to shoehorn my elder daughter in at the expense of my MiL and the progress of my younger daughter.
But is that not the whole premise for the divorce being set in motion?

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

@Hotandpointy
Exactly! a brilliant point.

My mother has never in my earshot criticised my MiL.

She wanted me to be married like most posters encourage on Mumsnet. She thought my younger daughter would be troubled by having half sisters whose parents were married but hers weren’t,

Far from criticising my MiL she thinks I am overacting.

Your coming across very snide about DSD, I wouldn't be surprised if she is picking up on it too, so instead of worrying about treatment in a GP relationship you should worry about how SD is feeling in her own home. I wonder what her mother's view if it all is

I wonder that as well @MrsKateColumbo
The OP hasn't said anything positive about her stepdaughter .

Your mother by your own admission put a lot of pressure on you to marry your husband. It was clearly the wrong decision because you now want a divorce. Why do you take so much notice of your mother? Does she always tell you what to do?

I think many MN posters do not encourage a second marriage if they have children already because they don't want their own children to lose out in terms of inheritance.
There was a poster yesterday who said she would never remarry athough she was happy to date because she did not want her children to miss out on inheritance.

Thats because he does...

Its unreasonabke to expect your mil to pay for things for your daughter.

Maybe try your inlaws via her father

I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t.

I don’t mean to sound unkind, but reading this thread (and I do remember reading your first thread at the time), it strikes me that the problem is that you do expect them “to step up” and the problem is that they haven’t.

Theae things are inherently tricky. In the olden days, there wasn’t divorce, so step parents meant that a parent had died, taking out one layer of complexity. And there were pretty strict rules about who inherited what from whom, taking out another. But these days, families come in all shapes and sizes. One of my DDs has a friend who lives most of the time with her mum and stepdad and half sister from her mum, with her stepdad’s DD coming on some weekends. And the rest of the time she goes to her dad’s and stepmum’s house, where she has a half sister from her dad and a stepsister who lives there most of the time. The idea that all five kids in that scenario are treated exactly the same is completely impossible, but it all seems relatively harmonious. Two of the kids go to private school (paid for by their shared dad(; another goes on fancy holidays with her (own) maternal grandmother. But everyone knows that everyone else has their own set up. if your older DD saw her dad and paternal grandparents, I doubt this would be such an issue as things would “balance” a bit. And I can understand your frustration that they don’t, as your older DD must feel left out as a result. But - to be fair to your MIL - that isn’t her fault, not is it really her problem to solve. You say they are ”always kind, and always polite” - so, while they’re maybe not the heroes in this story, they’re not the villains either.

I suspect that, from MIL’s point of view, she’s seen her son separate from his first wife and been worried about losing touch with her granddaughter (your DSD). So she’s probably put extra effort into her and that relationship. And then another grandchild comes along (your younger DD) and she’s keen not to leave her out. And, harsh though it sounds, your older DD won’t be at the forefront of her thinking in all of this. Just as you are focused on your two DDs, she will be focused on her two granddaughters. You have different perspectives on the same situation.

I think I would try to reorientate your - and your older DD’s thinking - on this. If you think of and refer to your MIL as “Rosie’s granny” it probably seems simpler. “Rosie is doing X with her granny, so we will do y or you could do Z with your friends”. They don’t see her as a grandchild. She isn’t their grandchild. Take away the expectation on all sides that she should be treated as such and it probably becomes easier. And, of course, it’s perfectly possible that you arrange a treat for your older DD while Rosie is having a treat from her granny. But I think you need to change the expectations here or you are setting everyone up for upset and disappointment.

I agree with your mother - you are massively overreacting. It’s not your MIL responsibility to treat a girl that is no relation to her the same way as her grandchildren in relation to this hobby, and your expectation otherwise is completely unreasonable! If you want your eldest included then it should be out of your own pocket. I think if you had been a lot more reasonable then perhaps your DH may have sympathised more and contributed, or even your own mother if finances allowed.

Otherwise you should be a lot clearer to your daughter (age permitted) about the dynamics and perhaps do something else that’s special between you and her.

you have handled it appallingly, thrown your marriage away as a result, and made it explicit to your daughter about the difference with your attitude. Your negativity towards your DSD as well is shocking.

She thought my younger daughter would be troubled by having half sisters whose parents were married but hers weren’t,

There's no longer social stigma about unmarried people having babies. The legal protections it grants are the main thing. What odd thinking. And it gave no consideration to your eldest and the possible inequities that would arise if you married someone who was from a family with more money and whose family did not see her as a member of their bio family.

You and your mom are not in a financial position to gift your eldest experience gifts and extracurriculars. Why not do something cheap or free with your eldest while your youngest is doing her activity? Maybe a get together with some of her cousins on your mom's side?

It's really obvious that you do resent your MIL not paying for your eldest to do things she's paying for her bio grandkids to do. That's why you give lip service to her not paying your eldest's way but then say you could never treat a child like that. Your mom treats your SD the same way your MIL treats your eldest. She's polite and nice and the relationship is superficial.

Your eldest has apparently gone from putting a brave face on things to be completely distraught and making your life miserable. How is your youngest handling her sister making the home miserable? Will she be guilted into giving up whatever her sister doesn't get?

You didn't blend families. You have groups and subsets and blending isn't possible. Just getting your husband out of the home will not address your eldest's jealousy. You have to be straight with why little sis gets things that she doesn't. You expected your husband's family to step up and replace the paternal family she has no contact with and that's an unreasonable expectation and entitlement on your part and your eldest has absorbed that from you.

I grew up with various halves and other partner's or spouses kids and we were kept more separate. We didn't think they were automatically family just because our parents hooked up or got married. I didn't go to my brother's grandparents' house, and vice versa. Because relationships were more adhoc and frankly, temporary, the bio relationships took precedence.

I agree with all the above posters except that I do think your marriage is over. You have such resentment to your in laws and stepdaughter that it is not fair to continue with the marriage.
Don't do what your mother tells you or even what MN advises. Do what feels right in your heart and stick with it. You clearly have lots of family in that you mention your mother, who is very present in your life, has other grandchildren. So your oldest daughter has a lot of family on your side anyway.
This is perhaps a text book case about why people who already have children should make them a priority and not complicate things by trying to blend unwilling existing families.

i Know I’ll get flamed for this but when you have children by different men that means they have different families.

You don’t just get to force children onto the relatives of new partners because that’s what fits for you.

This is just the reality of having children by different men, like it or not.

Your eldest has her own relatives it’s not your MIL’s problem if they’re not involved in her life and she shouldn’t have to make up for that financially or otherwise. That’s up to you to compensate for. No one else.

Posters saying OP should force them to include her eldest daughter are missing that the in laws are intentionally creating an opportunity for OPs stepdaughter to have time with her younger sister without OPs daughter. That's the whole point.

OPs stepdaughter clearly has no interest in bonding with OPs daughter, and wants time with her dad and sister without her. She's not allowed that (she was "obviously jumped on" for saying so previously) so her dad's family are engineering it for her.

Things would have gone much smoother if OP just accepted this and allowed it, and enjoyed the time with her daughter.

I was a stepchild and I naturally understood my stepdads family were not mine, and his children were more important to him, even though I lived with him and they didn't.