To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

I agree with this, SD has her own relationship with her grandparents and op has no right to dictate what that looks like,
ultimately this is an example of “blending” beware but people look at it with positive outlook when they “blend” a family but can’t force everyone to mix and it doesn’t always work out best for the kids

If it the poster I think it is.

I think her mum is disappointed in her. That she has let this treatment of her daughter cause her marriage break up.

@GeorgeClarkefan why is DH not getting any inheritance? What did he do so wrong to be excluded like this. That’s awfully hurtful of his parents.

I think thats part of the reason he's been disinherited.

MIL didn't want her cash going to the step grandchild. So he is going to inherit less now. Maybe she'll give it directly tp her grandkids. But she didn't trust him not to give to the stepgrand child and she didn't want her money going there.

Both of you parents should have the attitude that you both treat all 3 girls the same and do not accept gifts like MIL paying for hobbies. Ever. By not doing this you are splitting your family apart even if you do not end the marriage.

The poster's mother was the one pushing for marriage, if it's that poster. The husband did not want to marry, the poster was meh, but the mother said them not being married would make the youngest feel lesser than the other kids. OP might want to ignore her mother, she hadn't steered her too well.

I think OP is actually doing the right thing to divorce here. Her eldest feels entitled to things she will never get from her stepfather's relatives. She'll resent everybody. Now the youngest can do things with her dad's relatives that eldest isn't included in and do activities without worrying about the home atmosphere and eldest being upset. OP's husband is becoming resentful that he's missing out on money and inheiritance because of his marriage. That's not going to resolve and makes for a poor marriage.

While I understand your reasoning (and if the marriage is over then it's over), I don't think the separation is actually going to improve anything as regards the disparity.

Your SD is still, obviously, going to be paid for by her father and his family, and so is your youngest. The hobbies won't cease. Your eldest is still going to be the odd one out. Your youngest is always going to have advantages she doesn't, by dint of having present and apparently well-off family on her father's side.

It will carry on throughout their entire lives - school, university fees, house deposits or help with rent, inheritance....

I don't recall if you said how old your eldest is, but it may be best to have some age-appropriate chats with her about how everyone's circumstances are different, and trying to redirect her to activities you can afford. Otherwise, she'll resent her younger sister for life.

Stepmothers - no, its not their job; but its definitely the job of a parent to make sure their child is not ending up being a Cinderella in this fairy-tale blended family. So OP should have made sure her child is not underprivileged in this situation. I would not have another child with a man who treats my existing kid less than.

Another issue is that eldest girl lives at home and is literally left out of all the activities (along with her mother, it seems). She does not seem to have "two parents" or anyone at all and is basically treated like a second class child.

If it was the other way round and OP was a man it would still be a shit situation. Husband's family are deliberately cruel, and clearly dislike the OP and her daughter. In this situation, I would leave, too.

Not exactly the same but …
my DS had very wealthy grandparents on his dads side of the family and my parents were also reasonably well of as well
He was also the only grandchild on his dads side and his dad was also quite wealthy

when I met DH he had 2 boys similar age to my son

we / I decided that we wouldn’t have children together as it wouldn’t be fair that my 1st son would inherit a lot of money & property
( which he has already with more to come )

and any child we had wouldn’t get as much as his brother did from his paternal grandparents

I know it sounds cold and cynical thinking like this but I didn’t, even many years ago want to be in the position the OP is in now

So my son inheriting and his step brothers not inheriting anything wasn’t an issue as we had no joint child to complicate things

my parents rarely saw my stepsons
they would take my son on holiday with them
but not his step brothers as they didn’t really know them which was fair enough but they always gave them birthday and Christmas cards each year and would invite them to family meals

my son had private schooling paid for by his paternal grandparents

I can imagine it would have been a lot harder if we had a shared child who wasn’t getting expensive holidays and stuff like his brother and grandparents or my son went to visit his grandparents abroad and his half brother wasn’t invited
( not that they would have done this as they were genuinely lovey people) but it wouldn’t have extended to paying for private schools , house deposits and inheritance for a child they aren’t related to which is what my son had from his dads side of the family

OP should have thought about this before getting married and having more kids

The joint child is what complicates this

and the grandparents are perfectly within there rights to not want to pay for other children

The youngest will spend considerably less time in this toxic set up, the eldest girl will be removed from the horrible situation she is in now and the OP will hopefully be able to trat her daughters the same and allow them to bond properly.

I would not have "chat" with the eldest daughter to explain she is a pauper compared to her younger sister and should know her place. Instead, I would pour all my energy into making sure two sisters grow up loving and caring about each other. This is an incredibly unhealthy situation that could damage both girls and their relationship forever.

Also to add - my best friend has a half-sister, she is really wealthy by marriage/ great job and her bio grandma left her quite a bit of money. My friend was struggling (money issues due to illness), so her sister gave her all the inheritance as a gift. She said she has enough and she wants to see her sister happy. They are incredibly close and I always envied their bond.

I feel so sorry for you, I’ve been the step daughter and I never felt part of the family it’s awful when it is so obvious but I feel for your husband too his family don’t have to treat them the same but I couldn’t do this to a child if I was your mil

What should be happening is that the spineless man tells his mother that she pays for all the children or none of the children - she doesn't get to cherrypick and choose her 'blood' granddaughters over her honorary granddaughter and if she's so thick that she can't see why that's a problem there's no hope for her
He's the one causing the problem and the OP is right to bin him.

I think you and your husband weren’t a strong enough union against the rest of his family.

He could have stopped this but he chose not to. It wasn’t possible for you to fix this alone.

And your mil has been allowed to run things too much.

No winners here, I’m so sorry for you all, but especially your oldest daughter.

Why should the husband have to deprive his youngest of activities funded by his mom because his current wife had a child with a deadbeat?

It's like making youngest pay for OP making a bad choice of her eldest's parent.

There was a thread a couple years ago where a mom had diminished her youngest kid's contact with her relatives because an older child kicked off that they didn't have the same setup and the youngest went no contact with the mom and eldest when she hit adulthood and resented that she hadn't been allowed around her relatives. It really showed up the long lasting consequences of trying to make things "fair" by depriving the youngest in a blended family situation.

Why can't the OP tell her that the youngest won't be participating though?

I highly doubt the husband snuck the kids out the door behind her bac
There's 2 parents here who can and should open their mouths

We are a blended family and I wouldn’t expect grandparents from the other side to support the other children. We have 7 between us and mine are much better off financially due to inheritance and that’s accepted by everyone. It generally means that we will pay for my partners kids and mine will pay for themselves for things. Works out fine.

Why can't the OP tell her MiL that the youngest won't be participating though?

I’d be more worried what I would tell the younger one. I will come back tomorrow as don’t have time.

How old are the girls?

Your mil should have asked you if it was alright to pay for the youngest. At that point you could have decided if it was feasible for you/your husband/your mum to pay for your eldest daughter. I don't think you can expect your mil to pay for all three.

You tell the younger one... we don't have the money, sorry.

Your kids aren't entitled to everything and anything. You and your DH need to.grow a bit of gumption and parent the kids how you can / want.

If you don't have the money... you don't have the money.

How long ago did you call time on it?

Probably because the husband wants his youngest to do this activity, especially if it's also spending time with his oldest.

When I say have an age appropriate chat, do you really think I mean "tell her she's a pauper and should know her place". Is that really what you took away from that, or are you just being obtuse?

The differences can't be hidden. Sooner or later, they will come out. Especially as the girls get older. Better to deal with it now rather than let resentment build for decades.

OP’s husband isn’t going to allow his daughter to miss out because they cannot afford the same for the eldest. That isn’t ’fairness’.

But younger one knows Grandma is paying and would blame me and potentially elder one if she found out reason.