To have called time on my marriage. A family of two halves.

[GeorgeClarkefan]

I have called time on my marriage.

I love my husband who is a genuinely nice guy but it’s all the extraneous stuff that gets in the way. It’s his daughter, my daughter and our daughter and never the twain shall meet.

My eldest does not see her father or his family which is no fault of mine. I never expected my new in-laws to step up and they haven’t. They are always kind, and always polite.

My stepdaughter and younger daughter have many advantages which we simply cannot afford for my elder daughter. She doesn’t understand and gets upset.

I posted about the Disney debacle where it emerged that my MiL feels she can’t act normally around her grandchildren if my daughter is there.

Latest spat has come about because of an extracurricular paid for by MiL.

My husband has said that that is it and he is insulted and won’t beg me. He has walked out.

I am going to potentially lose some time with my youngest but I can’t go on like this.

My mother cannot look me in the face she is so angry.

He will have to pay you child support and you won’t have to expose your eldest to unfair treatment.

Him walking out is showing his immaturity.

It's an inherently unsolvable situation.

Your husband cannot really be expected to turn down opportunities for his daughter simply because you cannot afford to offer them to your daughter. But your daughter cannot be expected to be the poor relation in her own home and watch her half and step sisters enjoy lavish hobbies that you cannot offer her.

I can see how splitting up would be the fairest way to tackle it so that your shared child can partake in the activities when she is with him, and your own two children can have the same lifestyles when they are with you.

It's a shitty situation to be sure, and presumably there will be even less money in the pot for hobbies once you're maintaining two homes.

Your husband is a shit stepdad. And you are failing your dd while you let him get away with it, sorry.

Not having been in your position I don't know if you could have forseen this before you married, but just saying "his hands are tied" and you going along with it are both pathetic. As pps have said, it's both your jobs to make things fair between your girls. You are both harmfully passive about all this.

Completely agree @Hallamule
If it was the OP's parents, there would be lots of support for them favouring their biological grandchildren.

PS you didn't say what your mother has to do with it all but why is her opinion relevant?

Oh absolutely. Women are not expected to take their time or resources away from their children for a step child but it's a whole different expectation on here for men and their families.

Do hope some of these posters jump on the threads where a wife refuses to treat her step children fairly. I doubt it.

My marriage is over. Husband feels completely insulted and told me there is no going back from what I said.

He says that he has been disadvantaged in relation to inheritance etc because he has a stepchild and not once asked to divorce but I now have, over a hobby.

My MiL does not control the situation but husband has a say and he feels that rather than have one advantaged I want both disadvantaged.

if I could withdraw younger one I would have her distraught while not helping elder one.

Elder one is completely distraught and my life is not worth living.

Husband feels inadequate in relation to stepdaughter as he cannot afford school fees so his ex pays and is insulting to DH even though this was her idea in the first place.

He doesn’t want gulf between his daughters but thinks it’s inevitable for a gulf between my daughters.

We can’t all go out and have a good time as stepdaughter only really wants to see husband and younger one. Last weekend he nipped her to his mother’s and younger one wanted to go in car and they ended up with nieces and nephew and MiL and SiL at this carnival thing leaving me and eldest twiddling thumbs.

j am utterly fed up.

It’s horse riding - isn’t it?

The girls that did horse riding in my city had a reputation.

My cousins did horse riding and were gifted horses of their own - they were either very spoilt or antisocial.

So entitled.

Your MIL has two granddaughters - your husband's child from his first marriage, and the daughter you have had together. She is funding a hobby for her two granddaughters and you are having a strop because she won't do the same for her step-granddaughter?

As others have said if you want to make things equal then you refuse the funding. Your older daughter does have paternal grandparents, the fact they're not interested is not down to your MIL to "fix". They are kind and polite which is as it should be, anything else is a bonus and you cannot demand that they buy into your fairytale of happy blended families.

Parents who have children with multiple partners are opening their kids up to this sort of thing, it;s unavoidable. And now you're splitting up with your DH and making the children's life even more complex? Go you.

Could you and DH afford to pay for your eldest?

I'm still confused about what has been said and why OPs mother is so angry.

Im not sure what divorcing will achieve? Your youngest daughter will still be treated differently to your eldest daughter because of her Dad and Grandparents? Her Dad and biological Grandparents will still pay for her do hobbies and activities that your eldest won’t be able to do, and you describe your husband as a lovely man who himself treats your daughter the same, it’s your In Laws who don’t?
In an ideal world yes all children would be treated the same, in your shoes I wouldn’t have allowed to the younger one to an expensive hobby that your eldest would love to do if you can’t afford for her to do so too.

OP isn’t planning on living with DD2, just DD1 if she divorces.

Your MIL feels she can't act normally if your daughter is there???? That's just another way of saying "I don't want this child around." How absolutely AWFUL!

Is there ANY way you could fund the hobby for your daughter? More work? Sell something?

If your mother is so angry OP why can't she contribute so her granddaughter isn't upset.

Your DH's mother doesn't have to treat your eldest the same. She is no relation to DH's mother, why should she? Does your mother treat your DH's daughter who is no relation to her the same as the your eldest and youngest?

While I agree it's a crap thing to do... perhaps the grandparents don't have the financial means to pay for both of the OPs daughters.

I think it could easily be resolved by saying "Hey we can't afford it this term, but if you could pay next term we will save the extra fee and all the girls can attend" or just "Thabks but we can't afford it right now so the girls will have to miss out this time"

I really think it's not marriage ending... just a communication issue.

No one comes off well in this story!
MIL - controlling via financial levers (inheritance)
DH - wet, grabby and unable to take responsibility
OP - unrealistic and slightly grabby that non blood relatives would offer to fund hobbies/lifestyle
I feel sorry for all the kids involved, splitting up is the right thing to do IMO as at least eldest is spared feeling like she’s bottom of the heap 50% of the time!

@GeorgeClarkefan why is your own mother so angry with you?

Poor kids. Why wasn't a fair position and protocol agreed and established prior to the marriage.

👏👏👏

Stepmothers are always told they should never got involved in doing anything for their stepchildren, how stepchildren have 2 parents who are responsible for funding, providing and disciplining them but suddenly because it's a woman's child, the man's parents must fund her daughter's lifestyle?

How can people not see the hypocrisy here? Of course, all the children must be treated equally emotionally but financially, it is impossible for things to be equal when the children's grandparents come from different levels of wealth.

Can you imagine if a woman's parents wanted to give her children something and couldn't because of the woman's stepchild? I think I remember a thread where a poster's mother wanted to take her and her grandkids to Disneyland Paris but wouldn't pay for her step grandkids and the overwhelming majority agreed that she should go and enjoy herself and that it wasn't her mother's job to fund her stepkids.

It might not be like that.

MIL may have treated ‘joint child’ over the Easter holidays to the activity. Child loved it. MIL loved that she loved it and offered to pay for her to continue. That’s it! SGD didn’t even cross her mind in this and MIL has no idea of the ructions it is causing at home for OP and SGD. So isn’t meaning to control anything.

OP is understandably upset. DH has to realise they are a 4. They provide equally for both children, anything else coming their children’s way is a bonus. But nothing should negatively impact their family of 4.

This expensive hobby is impacting their family unit as it isn’t fair for both kids. Therefore, it should be gracefully declined until it is a hobby OP and DH can afford for both. There is nothing wrong with declining the offer, for now, until their finances improve. DD2 can be told it’s on hold until they can afford for xyz to go too. It shows both girls they will always be treated equally and that will mean a great deal more to them (in long run) than doing an expensive hobby.

SD is irrelevant in this situation as she doesn’t live with them.

Perhaps there should be a law. When a couple remarry, both the husband and wife have to treat each others children as their own. So many threads on here where the wife demands her children are treated as the primary family and the husband's children as occasional weekenders.

I'm wondering what would be said if the oldest's father and grandparents bought her expensive things? Would they be expected to buy for the other 2 girls?

Just a thought, given you say that your DH treats DD1 the same and DD1’s father/family have no contact - could he not simply adopt her? Then IL’s would have to acknowledge her as his daughter and the place DD1 holds in his esteem?

I only suggest this as I was the eldest, like DD1 (with no contact from my bio dad and was even known at school by my step dad’s surname) but my step father never got around to formally adopting me. Years later it has made me feel (or realise) I really was never as much loved as my half sisters. If your DH truly feels she is the same as his two other daughters he should put his money where his mouth is as make her legally hers. Then MiL cannot treat them differently without being an overtly evil old bat?